Posts Tagged ‘ thoughts ’

I’m Writing… Because…

I’d like to share some thoughts and letters that I believe are relevant to everyone in a way and also personal to me. This is a little unorthodox in comparison to my other writings, but I’m an unorthodox individual so I guess it fits. So I write…

Dear Karma,
I’m writing you this because everyone says you’re a bitch, but just like the days when I worked in retail and had tough customers, I realize that you are simply doing your job. I understand.

Dear Hype,
I’m writing you because I think we need to end this. It’s not me, it’s you. I don’t need to be caught up in you and the facades associated with you. It’s nothing personal. Maybe it is.

Dear Thrill,
I’m writing you this because I seek you often; you fascinate me.

Dear Hollywood,
I’m writing you this because you make life come alive or at least I thought so. I used to think everything was perfect some place on this earth and that I was inadequate to fit in such a world because I didn’t look like you.

Dear God,
I’m writing You this because I need to and most importantly I need You. It doesn’t even seem fit to call You Daddy anymore these days because things have changed between You and I. I used to “bring You more than a song”, we used to kick it, I used to tell You everything, but I made some choices that shifted that. I traded Your beauty for rags, made my prodigal child return and took flight again.

This world puts You in this box of being this convenient, understanding and no discipline god or so formal that no one ever really knows You. You are my constant reminder of humility when I get beside myself in cockiness and I look at how I treat You and see that I ain’t shit. In the midst of trying to find balance in between “religion” and rebellion I am at a crossroads, fork in the road, limbo.

It’s crazy to claim to love someone so much, but hurt them so often. Everything I claim to hate in others are the things I do to You: lie, leave, cheat, inconsistency, drama, distant, always sorry but never really changing, etc. At times, I find myself looking for everything in others what can only be found in You. I know this, I knew this, yet I continue to do it. A part of me wishes things went back to what they are. A part of me sees that this is merely a season and something good is going to come out of this point in my life. It’s good to know that no matter what, I’m Yours, I can cry to You, shout, scream, vent, be truly naked, be me around You. Your love will endure forever. You never leave. You are my only guarantee. I don’t know how to end this because it’ll never really be finished. I guess I could say I’m grateful for Your grace. I surely don’t get what I deserve.

-Signed, Me

“…Since my date of birth, I bought you nothing but hurt…” -Jay-Z
“…I told God I’d be back in a second, man it’s so hard not to act reckless…” -Kanye West
“…I’ve come undone, but You make sense of who I am…” -Red
“…tell Him I love Him… tell Him I need Him…” – Lauryn Hill
“..You search much deeper within, through the way things appear… You’re looking into my heart…….I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it when it’s all about You…” -Matt Redman
“….are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples with walls around our weakness and smiles that hide our pain… …the performance is convincing, we know every line by heart, only when no one is watching can we really fall apart…” -Casting Crowns
“…I’m a puzzle, yes indeed, ever complex in every way… …I don’t know why You love me and that’s why I love You…” -Beyonce
“..You’re my only reason, You’re my only truth… I need You like water, like breathe, like rain… I need You like mercy from heaven’s gate…” -LeAnn Rimes


“…dear lie, you suck…” -TLC

Advertisements

That Was Yesterday

There’s this line from a song by 50 Cent where he says, “if it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have luck” there are many times in my life that I have felt like that was the gist of my world. Why am I saying this? I’m glad you wondered (lol)! I have come to a point in my life where I refuse to dwell on things and especially people that I cannot change. If my power is limited then so is my concern in a sense. By this I mean, I won’t stress myself out over things that are truly out of my hands. All I can be is there at times.

“…I could really use a wish right now…” -B.O.B.

I always loved the quote by Ghandi, “be the change you want to see in the world”. In my experience, those that have taken such a statement and ran with it added a possibly subconscious expectation to Ghandi’s words. Just because you choose to be the change you want to see in the world does not mean that everyone else will. As simple as it sounds, it is a difficult reality for some people to accept. I notice this in every type of relationship. Some people are tick for tack with everything and will not let you forget that you “owe them one”. There’s this episode The Office where Dwight goes out of his way to do favors for people that they didn’t ask for just so that he can say that they owe him one (http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/video/double-date-clip-two/1173102/ <–clip link). Though it was a funny scene, the reality is that there are many than live this way. As I already stated, you can never expect for other people to do what you would have done, how you would have done it or to think as you do. It is unfair, unrealistic, and immature.

“…a friend once said, which I found to be true, that every day people, they lie to God too, so what makes you think that they won’t lie to you?…” -Lauryn Hill

There’s A Difference. At times people will say that they feel unappreciated, which is common. Others will say they have been taken for granted and they might be right. My issue comes in where people say that they have been taken advantage of. I don’t understand how any fully able adult can say that of a person over periods of time and still think they are the victim. I do not throw pity parties. If you choose to allow people to take your kindness for weakness and any of the like, that io\s your own decision. The saying goes “fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me”.

I realize that sometimes people cling to poisonous relationships for multiple reasons and a lot of the time it’s loneliness or they are afraid of losing someone. Though it is surely understandable and I can empathize, however, it is not an excuse. It is a choice and will always be a choice. No matter what, we always have a choice in this life, the options may not be to our liking, but we can always choose something! Consequences may also very.

“It may not be a choice you like, but it is a choice.” -Michelle Pfeiffer, Dangerous Minds

“We must never claim that our relationships with others do not affect us deeply: they do” -Dr. Larry Crabb

At some point, one has to take responsibility for both what and who you allow in your life. You can’t play the victim forever and you can’t live in past glories forever. My old pastor used to give the example of people that maybe won awards or were very successful at some point and how they live in yester-year most likely because they haven’t done anything beyond that one thing since then. That is a sad existence and I wish it on no one.

“…one shot to your heart without breaking your skin, no one can the power to hurt you like you kin/friends…” -India.Arie

I hope that everyone realizes that even though some people may promise you forever, this does not always happen. That can be painful, especially with those closest to you, but it’s a matter of learning how to let go of people who do not want to be kept. That doesn’t mean you can’t care about them anymore. This also doesn’t mean for you to walk through like with a rain cloud over your head and take your frustrations out on those who have done you no harm. There are healthier ways to grieve and let go of a lost relationship. Some things in life you may never get over, but there are ways to manage that as well.

“…in this life we all know that friends may come and they may go, but through it all I know I will stay…” -John Legend

There are three thoughts I hope you take from this: 1) Be mindful of what is actually going on around you before you attempt to play the victim when there are alternatives to your predicament 2) Let your present accomplishments overshadow your past everything 3) Don’t dwell over things you have no control over. It is a given that in life people will hurt us in different ways and a majority of the time it will be those you love the most. I have learned that usually when something bad happens to me (which is more often than not lol), it might get to me at the moment, but typically by the next day (at the latest) I’m fine for the most part. I think to myself, “that was yesterday, I can’t do anything about yesterday”.

“When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. ” -TD Jakes

-Signed, I wish you well


“…when the dark clouds arise, I will stay by your side… I know we’ll be alright… I will stay you…”

When I’m Gone

I lost a cousin around this time last year and I decided to read her facebook wall as I tend to do occasionally. We weren’t close, but that was still my fam so that doesn’t matter. Though I know she will never access that account again, I just cannot delete her off. As I read I saw messages other family members and her friends still write on her wall. Though they know she’s gone they still write her. I admire the idea of it and still accept the reality. It really made me think.

“…how long will they mourn me…” -Tupac

I try to remain optimistic about life, but I try to stay away from being idealistic. I have the strangest thoughts at times. A recurring one is: What if something happened to me? Who would know? If I were in the hospital, who would call, visit, be around? I consider those around me now and then I consider those who I’d honestly think would make that effort and the numbers change drastically. It’s an eerie feeling and it actually stings a little bit.

“…So hold me when I’m here, right me when I’m wrong…. Hold me when I’m scared and love me when I’m gone… Everything I am and everything in me wants to be the one you wanted me to be…” -3 Doors Down

I try to be mindful, grateful, and loyal to those I should appreciate and yet show love to everyone. It’s strange. It is as if it isn’t that I feel the necessity of the involvement or presence of those that are flaky, but I guess I get in a “why don’t you love me” Beyonce kinda mode like “what’s not to love?” (lol). Though I smirk as I write this, it’s an honest thought that I have. Don’t judge me lol.

“…I’ll never let you down even if I could… I’d give up everything if only for your good… So hold me when I’m here, right me when I’m wrong… You can hold me when I’m scared, you won’t always be there… So love me when I’m gone…” -3 Doors Down

I don’t like to think about death. Every time I think about it I have to catch my breath. It’s so…… final. I know my faith, but death is still a mystery. I’ve never been there before. I went to my great-grandmothers funeral that I had never met about a month ago and thought “wow, there will be people at my funeral that I may have never met nor cared for”. Then the thoughts escalated to who would be late? Who wouldn’t make it there? What assumptions will be made about me by those that goes through my things? How long will they mourn me? Who would miss me most? What could be said of me, my life, my legacy, my influence? Have I impacted at least one life?

“…it’s been too hard living, but I’m afraid to die… ‘Cause I don’t know what’s up there beyond the sky…” -Sam Cooke

I really hate thinking about these things, but to ignore it would be ignoring a very real thing. It’s an uncomfortable aspect of life. As a child when I first thought about death I began to envy the cartoons because I thought they got to live forever. The Terminator movie didn’t help my young fears because I was convinced I would be set on fire in the playground. But, yeah, this post is making me uneasy so I’ll end it here!

“…And when I’m gone, just carry on, don’t mourn…. Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice…” -Eminem

-Signed, Live Like We’re Dying

I Hope You Dance

The metaphor I am about to present may be a little farfetched, but I ask that you stay with me and hopefully grasp a few points from it. Many of us have heard “everything I needed to know I learned in a shopping mall” or something similar to that. Well, the experience I just had would be “everything I needed to know I learned in the bath tub”, so stay with me, let me explain.

The Literal. I ran a bubble bath to relieve some stress, lit some candles, got my playlist together. I let the water run on really hot because I knew I would take a while getting the perfect playlist together and figured the water would cool down by the time I was ready. When I was finally ready the water was really hot, but I kept putting my foot in every few seconds as if it would change or with the slight hope that maybe I could bare it. I was unsuccessful (lol). So I ran cold water and tried to mix it up. Fail #2. I ran the shower in ice cold water hoping it would even it out and left out for a little while. When I returned the water was still hot.

I had a choice, a few actually. I could hop in that tub and burn, I could wait it out and let it cool off, I could say forget the bath altogether, or I could pull the stopper out and let it get to half full and run some more cold water. I chose the latter which is probably the choice I feared most because the water was so hot. I left for maybe 2 minutes and came back and ALL the water was gone lol. Part of me said to forget the bath after all of this drama. Another part said run another, but the same thing could happen if I’m not monitoring what’s going on. Another part of me said run the bath but sit in the tub this time while the water runs so that you know it’s right. I chose the latter.

The Figurative. I know you’re probably thinking “this girl puts too much thought into her baths” lol and that is and isn’t the case. I thought about all of this once I finally relaxed (lol). Many times in life when it comes to routine things in life it seems as if it is embedded in us to do things the way they have always been done. In some ways it might feel as if things have to be done in that way, so much so subconsciously we may feel as if we have no choice, but we do. We always will have a choice, it may not always be preferable options, but still we have choice nonetheless.

As I sat there I thought. I could’ve quit and decided to just not take my bath considering all the drama I had to go through to get it right, but I was glad that I chose to figure something out because it was well needed and well worth it. Then I took it a little further as far as how I decided to change water temperatures. This is random but I have a point. If I’m already in the tub, I’m not getting up to change the temperature with my hands so I use my foot. I went further and thought, “you know, if I wanted to I could’ve worn a bathing suit in here or even my clothes. It would be strange but I could have if I wanted to”. There are plenty of things I could have brought into this scenario that didn’t make sense, but I could have done it if I wanted to.

“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder… you get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger… may you never take one single breath for granted, God forbid love ever leave you empty handed… I hope you still feel small
when you stand by the ocean… whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens…”

“…promise me you’ll give faith a fighting chance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance… I hope you dance… I hope you dance…”

What’s The Point? Many times in life we may subconsciously or consciously strip ourselves of the power we have over our own lives for various reasons. Also, many times we like to play the blame game as for why we are the way we are, but that can only go so far. At what point do we say, “yeah this or that influenced me, but that isn’t who I want to be anymore, so I won’t”? At what point do we do things that don’t make sense, but do them because we just simply had to and don’t feel the need to have to explain ourselves? Why do we fear being so misunderstood or criticism yet constantly audibly proclaim we don’t care what people think? Who says you have to live this way?

My point and encouragement to everyone and also myself is to follow what you’ve yearned for. Go after what keeps you up at night because you want it that bad. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t understand so how can you expect everyone to always understand? Why constantly feel as if you need them to understand you? Pursue your dreams. Embrace your mistakes. Acknowledge but do not be crippled by your failures. Appreciate those that support you. Refuse to think otherwise about your goals because of those who don’t. Cling to those who love you. Flee from those who mean you harm, but never hate them. Never be the cancer to your own passions. Be unconventional, influential, humble, extraordinary. I hope you dance.

“…I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, never settle for the path of least resistance…”

“…living might mean taking chances, but they’re worth taking… lovin’ might be a mistake, but it’s worth making…”

“…don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter, when you come close to selling out… reconsider… give the heavens above more than just a passing glance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance… I hope you dance…”

-Signed, For me givin’ up’s way harder than tryin’


“…I hope you dance…”

All Falls Down

There was a solid concept for this blog, but even as I write this, I still don’t know what to write. I’ve been thinking about in this short time of being on this earth and the life I have lived so far and how much I have compromised in ways I didn’t even know I did. In the past maybe five years or so, I have led to dramatically different lifestyles, yet behind them both, my mindset remained the same. Many times I’ve asked myself “why am I doing this?” Whether it had to do with morals, personal preference, things I’ve supported or places I went. I’m not sure if I would say I consider myself a people pleaser because I rarely go all in. I guess I would say that there are many times that I’ve done or said things just to alleviate some drama, even if I chose to lie. Though I despise lying with everything in my being, sometimes I get to points of not wanting to hear it that I give someone what they want to hear because in most cases the truth wasn’t good enough.

“…they love it when you smile unaware that it’s a strain…” -Drake

“…so with a painted grin, I’ll play the part again so everyone will see me the way that I see them.. are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeple with walls around our weakness and smiles that hide our pain…” -Casting Crowns

“…I do what I hate like everything’s great, but everything’s not, everything’s incredibly fake.. ..I know I need You, just not sure if I want You, it’s not easy I like this deceit, I like being weak, I’m confused…” -Lano Medina

I’ve noticed some habits I have acquired over the years, especially my coping mechanisms and I have always realized how most of them don’t benefit me, but it is as if I cannot help it. This is what I do, this is what works for me whether it’s temporary or not. I don’t like getting too much advice because most of the time others don’t know what to tell you either and end up giving you well-meant but bad advice which would only add to the already prevalent confusion.

“…whoever spottin’ me is playin’so I’m liftin’ all alone tryin’ not to get a strain…” -Drake

“…she got a black girl name, she livin’ black girl pain… growin up days as a black girl scarred in so many ways though we’ve come so far, they just know the name they don’t know the pain…” -Talib Kweli

“…people say I’ve got my hands in too many things, keeping time with paupers just as well as kings… …here I am, I’m just a fragment of my God, heavenly Father here me, sometimes life gets so hard…” -Teena Marie

I have always been very observant and have always said just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t know. It is a gift and a curse because it seems as though I notice everything, even things I don’t want to know and I realize there are many instances where I’m not supposed to say anything at all or I shouldn’t say it yet. It’s hard for me to watch people live to please the masses, the same masses that will scatter when things go in another direction. It’s a struggle to be the faithful friend/support when those you extend your hand to are pursuing people that are obviously using them and taking them for granted. The thing that alleviates some of my frustration in these situations and humbles me, even, is when I think about how I do the same thing to God many times. Why do we tend to avoid the ones that love us most? I’m trying to learn to be more intentionally appreciative.

“…they’ll hail you then nail you no matter who you are…” -Lauryn Hill

“…feelin’ so distant from everyone I’ve known, to make everybody happy I think I would need a clone…” -Drake

“…and every time I tried to be what someone else thought of me, so caught up, I wasn’t able to achieve…” -Lauryn Hill

…and I made up my mind to define my own destiny…” -Lauryn Hill

“…only when no one is watching can we really fall apart…” -Casting Crowns

Another big compromise that is consistent for many reasons that I am aware of is my many times obvious bad choice in the males I allow in my life. I can notice a red flag from miles away, but like everything else I’m a “chance giver” even to those who obviously don’t deserve on. Another coping mechanism that fuels the endless cycle of fuckery that is in my life. I learn from both my own and others mistakes, so when it comes to me putting myself in foolish situations, I can at least say I make sure it is short-lived because I just refuse to be bothered with it but for so long.

“…I keep letting you back in, how can I explain myself?…” -Lauryn Hill

“in vain you make yourself beautiful. Your lovers despise you; they seek your life.” -Jeremiah 4:30

“…found out the man I’d die for, he wasn’t even concerned…” -Lauryn Hill

“…when am I ever gonna learn that it burns to kiss the sun?…” -Lano

“Lord, I apologize for what I’ve done to You… …every time that I needed You, You’re by my side, every time that You needed me, I ran to hide…” -Rell

I realized in the midst of all the things I don’t understand and am trying to figure out, one thing has remained consistent and that is my faith. This always surprises me because I have tried many of times to convince myself otherwise and it just won’t happen, despite my anger, unanswered questions, disappointments, and the list could go on. When all else fails and when everything is great, I realize that Jesus is all I have whether I like it or not and whether I want it or not. It’s comforting to know this His forever means forever regardless of my thoughts and actions. It’s also comforting to know that no matter what He is the only one that truly knows me despite those that think they can figure me out because of a few facebook statuses (shots fired? maybe, I don’t care).

“…forgive me for my disrespect, forgive me for my lies… …I’m sick of n*ggaz lyin’, sick of b*tches hawkin’ as a matter of fact I’m sick of talkin’…” -Biggie

“…see this song is not about You, because I tried to live without You… …look at my life and how I manage, don’t You see the way I damage You?…” -Rell

-Signed, I Know You Like To Worry, It’d Be Better If You Don’t…


“…because a rose is still a rose… baby girl you’re still a flower… he can leave you and then take you, make you and then break you… darling, you hold the power… …don’t believe that life is over just because your man is gone… without him your life goes on…” -Aretha Franklin


“…single black female addicted to retail and well…”

Lost, But Searching…

The song “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day will always be dear to my heart because I can relate so well. It’s not so much the lonliness addressed in the song but the “lostness”. I will never pretend that I have life figure out, though I will say there is some wisdom instilled in me. I understand that I will never know it all and that is a releif. I once expressed to someone my desire to move out of my city but also acknowledged that I doubt I’d permantly stay wherever I choose to move. The person disagreed completely because of my commitments here. I responded, “How will I know where I belong if I never look for it?” and that was pretty much the end of that conversation.

“I walk a lonely road… the only one that I have ever known… don’t know where it goes, but it’s home to me and I walk alone…” -Green Day

“…Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and it’s gonna take so long for me to get somewhere… …can You send an angel to guide me?…” -Alicia Keys

Don’t get it twisted, I’m no trouble maker, I just will never be the type of person to do something because that’s what everyone else is doing, I will always want to know why. At certain points in life I realize aside from God, I may be the only one looking out for me or have my best interest in mind (sometimes). In realizing this, I try to be careful about who I love. I’m an all or nothing person so once you’re in, it is difficult to let you go. This is true with all of my relationships, this will never be limited to romance, my rationale is, if you can’t be a good friend to me, it will never need to go beyond that point.

“…here I am, I’m just a fragment of my God, heavenly Father hear me, sometimes life gets so hard..” -Teena Marie

“…one shot to your heart without breaking your skin, no one has the power to hurt you like your kin/friends…” -India.Arie

I’m not trying to “fit” anywhere, I just want to know where I belong. I don’t want anything that isn’t mine. I don’t want to be one of those people that are merely existing, I want to really live every day despite circumstances. I know that God has put me through a lot for good reason and has equipped me to be strong enough to handle it, though it is a struggle to be strong so often. I will never settle for an ordinary life, I bore easily and am easily distracted, yet faithful. I am always trying to see what is new and interesting, yet loyal. At this point in my life all I have is my character and that’s still developing. I realize there are many roads and that I don’t have to choose only one, I can try one and maybe it’s no good for me and I can go another way. I refuse to be boxed, refuse to be silenced, and refuse to settle, I will continually pursue the beautiful wherever and whatever it is.

“…she lives in a mindset you could never move to… …throw your ones up in the air for ‘her’…” -Drake

“…I drove by the fork in the road and went straight…” -Jay-Z

“…please don’t ask me where I’m going… ’cause I don’t know… anymore…” -Corinne Bailey Rae

-Signed, I dont want to be famous, I just want to be great


“…he’s there for you when he shouldn’t be, but he stays all the same, waits for you and then sees you through… there’s no way I could describe him… all I say is, just what I’m hoping for… but I will find him sittin’ on my doorstep… waiting for the surprise… it will feel like he’s been there for hours and I can tell he’ll be there for life…”

Willing

I figured I would share my thoughts today… Hope you guys enjoy 🙂

Willing

The makings of me,
A blessing and a curse it seems,
An abundance to offer,
But no worthy heir to give it,
Dreamed a life and hope I live it,
I just want to be…

Be comfort to stress,
Quiet to noise,
Faith to uncertainty and doubt,
Music and inspiration to writer’s block,
Rhythm to blues,
I just want to help…

Encourage your dreams,
Play my role, know my place, give you space,
Explore limitless levels of passion together,
Discover desires and needs,
Remind you of your potential,
I just want to know…

Your favorite song, because it matters to me too,
Your middle name, have your last name,
Where you want to go and how I can be there,
What you want to eat regardless of the time,
When you need space and not take it personal,
I just want to…

Explore sensuality and creativity,
Make you feel masculinely beautiful,
Touch finger tips and feel electricity,
Kiss you good morning and then on your lips too,
Entertain you while you watch the game,
Make you laugh when it hurts,
Nurture your children,
Fall in love with the things I can’t stand about you,
Know that I can work your nerves,
Penetrate your brain and vibe with your mind,
Clean the house in just heels,
Be honest even when it hurts,
Persevere through drama,
Agree to disagree,
Make you smile when you wonder if it’s all worth it,
Do chores that I hate, but realize your comfort supersedes that,
Be your lover and best friend,
Make vows and maintain them til the last breath…

So here I am, willing,
I’m just missing ‘worthy’,
I was once told I need a man not a boy,
And I need a husband not a project,
I’ll wait…

“..if you can’t make me c-o-m-e in my m-i-n-d, then you ain’t got me..”

“I want to fall in love with the medley of the phone when your number dials into it type love”