Posts Tagged ‘ role models ’

Mama’s Boyfriend

“You know it makes me unhappy, when brothas make babies and leave a young mother to be a pappy” -Tupac

Single mothers have become the norm for many of us. The reason and responsibility of this reality is not solely on one person. There are many children that grow up with people coming in and out of their lives as if there is a revolving door. If we fast forward to young adulthood from this sort of upbringing and (possible) instability we see the scars that will have broken or made these once innocent kids. Let me make the following clear before I go on: Not all experiences with step parents are negative. Not everyone that has had a bad experience with step parents continue the unfortunate cycle. What I am about to address is not limited to step fathers.

Mommy, Where Daddy Went? Some people have never met their fathers, others can count on their hands how many run-ins they’ve had with pop, and still others could say he was “around” as in knowing who he was. There are many mothers that have those heartbreaking conversations with their children trying to explain the absence of their father, attempting to make excuses for his excuses, doing their best to fill his shoes, but no matter what mom says, nothing takes away the question of “why didn’t he want me? why doesn’t he love me?” Some moms look at this as more reason to hurry in a male figure to try to fill a void that is already permanent unbeknown to mom.

“Look what was handed us. Fathers abandoned us… …Sometimes I feel no one in this world understands us” -Kanye West

Who’s That? In some situations, some of you can remember as a child that some guy kinda popped up and suddenly lived in your house and you can’t sleep in mom’s room anymore. Or for others, maybe this occurred on multiple occasions and you received no warning, explanation or support concerning mom’s decision. Maybe you were too young to understand so you didn’t understand the change in the current. Maybe it made you angry. Maybe you wanted things back to what they once were, because your world just got rocked and you’re wondering in your young mind “who’s that?”

Trust Factor. In some cases, some people get tired of their singleness and meet someone rather sporadically and they become daddy (or mommy). Suddenly a child is left alone with a stranger regularly. Another concern that comes along with these situations is that there are a lot of perverts in this world. There are many women and also men that can remember being violated in their childhood by someone that they were introduced to by someone they trusted.

Under the Influence. Children are like sponges, they absorb their surroundings. If children see fighting, violence, instability, addiction, and so on, that impacts them for life. The mentalities gained here could be used for betterment or a continuance of an unhealthy cycle. There is good reason for there to be two parents in a child’s life, because regardless of how much love a mother has in her heart, she could never teach her son to be a man, and to have another man that is just simply “around” doesn’t help much either. In some cases, boys grow up either hating or disrespecting women because of what they saw or were/weren’t taught. There are young girls giving their bodies and hearts to anyone that would take them because “daddy” wasn’t there to assure them of their worth in the way that only a father could.

“I remember being kicked out the house cuz I looked just like you… Said I’d be nothing but a crook just like you” -Beanie Sigel

It is understandable for a parent to desire companionship. It’s natural. It’s human. But there are others to take into consideration other than self when children are involved. Your children didn’t ask to be here and it’s not their fault nor their responsibility in regards to the circumstances you may be under. It is not their job to raise themselves either. Some parents do not consider the impact (or the dangers) of bringing a new significant (or insignificant) other into their child’s life for the sake of loneliness. Every relationship has risks, but I implore all (single) parents to really take into account who they bring into their children’s worlds.

-Signed, Cycle Ends Here

“You ain’t interested in me, you just trynna f*ck my mom” -Kanye West



“But you left me, now I’m goin to court just like you. I would say “my daddy loves me and he’ll never go away”. Bullsh*t, do you even remember December’s my birthday? Do you even remember the tender boy you turned into a cold young man?” -Jay-Z

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Is Anything You’re Doing Brand New?

This post is so personal that I’m just gonna give y’all words. No pictures, just real heartfelt words. We are all teachers whether we know it or like it or not. We teach people about ourselves. Regardless of what we say, which also teaches if we keep to our word, people learn of primarily by our choice/course of action. The things I am about to mention are only from the world through my eyes. Things I have witnessed and/or experienced on some level. Something I am very passionate about, to the point that I don’t even understand it is relationships. Interaction, reaction, communication, miscommunication, ups, downs, smooth beginnings, rough endings, endurance, commitments, and so on. For some reason relationships of all kind fascinate me. It’s interesting that the type of relationship that attracts me most is the one I’m most hesitant in pursuing which is love. In my world there is a majority of men that don’t know how to be men and women that don’t know how to be women. They may not have told me this verbatim, but they show me this explicitly. What follows is just a snap shot of my life in its entirety as far as influence is concerned in this area. The sad thing is, these things are not just a thing of the past, but is still very prevalent, if not worse. The more unfortunate part is majority of the following is within my family.

What I learned from women: Complain about how you feel to everyone, but the one who is actually your problem. Look for things you know you don’t want to know about or see. Cover up for him if he hits you because you can’t let him go. There is nothing worse in the world than to be without a man, even if it is at the expense of my children’s safety, time, and/or feelings. In order to get a guy’s attention, sometimes you have to sell yourself a little cheap. If I trap him with this baby, he will have to stay or he’ll have to pay for it. It’s okay to be second, third or even the fourth woman in his life, just as long as I’m apart of his world. I will settle, even if it means I am miserable. Sex is all I have to bargain with, that’s what will make him stay. Even if I have to hurt myself, I need his attention. I’m not worth working nor waiting for. It isn’t considered prostituting myself because we are both getting what we want. I don’t care if this baby isn’t his, he’s paying for this abortion. I don’t care if my kids are with me, if I see that b*tch he’s f*ckin’, then it’s on. TI didn’t want to do this and I said no, but it wasn’t rape, and I don’t want him to go. He doesn’t see how much I cry and he won’t, because that means he wins. He makes me feel worthless, I can’t leave him now because I believe it. Well at least he isn’t as bad as “so-and-so’s” man.

What I learned from men: If she lets me get away with it once when I’m caught, then she always will. When trouble comes, I’m out. I don’t care how what I do affects you or my daughters, it’s about what I want. I don’t care if that’s her best friend, I want to try her too. If I hit her, I will take her to the hospital because I love her and will hang my head when the doctor asks why she’s here. I think I love you, but I don’t respect you. It is never okay to say I don’t know what I’m doing or that I’m scared. I never have to change if she accepts it, I don’t need to grow up. I will make a great effort in the beginning to reel her in, then it’s whatever I want. Any woman can be bought. There will always be at least one woman on the side. Why work for anything when others will give it up for free? I lie because the truth requires me to take responsiblity for my actions and choices. I have no staying power. Women are things. Any conversation I pursue with a female will be about her body and/or sex. I’ll come home when I feel like it, it doesn’t matter who is worried. If she doesn’t give me what I want in the time I feel she should, I’m gone. I really don’t need a reason to walk out.

“…where’s love? other than inside of my mind.. I’m trynna find peace in this lifetime.. ..tired of being treated like a cute little thing with no brain..” – R-Swift

Ball of Confusion. A question that I get very frequently and consistently is “why don’t you have a boyfriend?” and the above has a great amount of reason to do with that. I have blogged about this question specifically before so if you’d like, check out “Matters of the Heart: Can You Handle This –> http://wp.me/pw1qn-1i

I have no role models. I do know that I don’t want to be a repeat of any of these things. I won’t say that sometimes it isn’t tempting to be this way because it requires less effort, but it’s just not me. My hope is to teach my possible future children what a woman is and that they’re father would show them what a man is. That my husband will teach my little girl that she doesn’t have to settle for a “boy” that thinks her body is right and act as if she owes him something. My hope is he instill a worth and standards in her, that she only consider a young man that will love her appropriately. My hope is he would show my son how to value and cherish a woman’s worth, to protect his sister and to respect his mother always. That I play my role as well and end this destructive cycle that has polluted my world view.

I am always the first to say to a guy that’s interested in me that just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t know or notice anything. I give people a fair shot, but am very aware of the signs, even in the smallest areas that challenge character and show me truly what kind of person they are.

Skim the Book. We have all heard “don’t judge a book by its cover,” yet we all do. Some of us are honestly not interested in any sort of “reading” at all, but I feel as though it is at least fair to skim the pages with some people, because nobody does anything for no reason. I challenge you all when you first meet people to ask them about their family, parents and who had major impact on their life whether good or bad, because chances are those people had a lot to do with why the person does certain things or maybe doesn’t do certain things. Sometimes we get too quickly and easily offended that we don’t attempt to figure people out a little bit. We walk around as if we don’t have the ability to long-suffer or short-suffer people, but are selfishly seeking instant gratification then on to whatever else is in our path. I challenge you all to push yourselves beyond your comfort zone. This generation claims to “not be like everyone else” but do what everyone else does. So ask yourself, “is anything you’re doing brand new?”

-Signed, Hesitant

“..like I ain’t tell you from day one, I ain’t sh*t, when it comes to relationships, I don’t have the patience.. ..I’m still young and I aint ready.. ..this is ugly, ___ please don’t love me.. ..soon you’ll understand..” – Jay-Z

“..Hold on, I’m not really trying to go through this again,
I’m not jumpin up and down about lovin (excuse me if)
I don’t wanna dive back in to that pool of love, I’m done swimming I’m done,
See I don’t feel like getting to know you,
What you like to eat,
What you like to do,
See that’s too much information to deal with,
Play the love game with another cuz I quit..”

“..Can you forgive me, I know it might sound crazy,
But right now my hearts a little lazy,
Tired of opening up tired of caring,
I don’t feel like lovin you, don’t feel like lovin you,
Can you forgive me, I know it might sound crazy,
But who knew love could be so draining..”

Bridge:

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