Posts Tagged ‘ relationship ’

That Was Yesterday

There’s this line from a song by 50 Cent where he says, “if it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have luck” there are many times in my life that I have felt like that was the gist of my world. Why am I saying this? I’m glad you wondered (lol)! I have come to a point in my life where I refuse to dwell on things and especially people that I cannot change. If my power is limited then so is my concern in a sense. By this I mean, I won’t stress myself out over things that are truly out of my hands. All I can be is there at times.

“…I could really use a wish right now…” -B.O.B.

I always loved the quote by Ghandi, “be the change you want to see in the world”. In my experience, those that have taken such a statement and ran with it added a possibly subconscious expectation to Ghandi’s words. Just because you choose to be the change you want to see in the world does not mean that everyone else will. As simple as it sounds, it is a difficult reality for some people to accept. I notice this in every type of relationship. Some people are tick for tack with everything and will not let you forget that you “owe them one”. There’s this episode The Office where Dwight goes out of his way to do favors for people that they didn’t ask for just so that he can say that they owe him one (http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/video/double-date-clip-two/1173102/ <–clip link). Though it was a funny scene, the reality is that there are many than live this way. As I already stated, you can never expect for other people to do what you would have done, how you would have done it or to think as you do. It is unfair, unrealistic, and immature.

“…a friend once said, which I found to be true, that every day people, they lie to God too, so what makes you think that they won’t lie to you?…” -Lauryn Hill

There’s A Difference. At times people will say that they feel unappreciated, which is common. Others will say they have been taken for granted and they might be right. My issue comes in where people say that they have been taken advantage of. I don’t understand how any fully able adult can say that of a person over periods of time and still think they are the victim. I do not throw pity parties. If you choose to allow people to take your kindness for weakness and any of the like, that io\s your own decision. The saying goes “fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me”.

I realize that sometimes people cling to poisonous relationships for multiple reasons and a lot of the time it’s loneliness or they are afraid of losing someone. Though it is surely understandable and I can empathize, however, it is not an excuse. It is a choice and will always be a choice. No matter what, we always have a choice in this life, the options may not be to our liking, but we can always choose something! Consequences may also very.

“It may not be a choice you like, but it is a choice.” -Michelle Pfeiffer, Dangerous Minds

“We must never claim that our relationships with others do not affect us deeply: they do” -Dr. Larry Crabb

At some point, one has to take responsibility for both what and who you allow in your life. You can’t play the victim forever and you can’t live in past glories forever. My old pastor used to give the example of people that maybe won awards or were very successful at some point and how they live in yester-year most likely because they haven’t done anything beyond that one thing since then. That is a sad existence and I wish it on no one.

“…one shot to your heart without breaking your skin, no one can the power to hurt you like you kin/friends…” -India.Arie

I hope that everyone realizes that even though some people may promise you forever, this does not always happen. That can be painful, especially with those closest to you, but it’s a matter of learning how to let go of people who do not want to be kept. That doesn’t mean you can’t care about them anymore. This also doesn’t mean for you to walk through like with a rain cloud over your head and take your frustrations out on those who have done you no harm. There are healthier ways to grieve and let go of a lost relationship. Some things in life you may never get over, but there are ways to manage that as well.

“…in this life we all know that friends may come and they may go, but through it all I know I will stay…” -John Legend

There are three thoughts I hope you take from this: 1) Be mindful of what is actually going on around you before you attempt to play the victim when there are alternatives to your predicament 2) Let your present accomplishments overshadow your past everything 3) Don’t dwell over things you have no control over. It is a given that in life people will hurt us in different ways and a majority of the time it will be those you love the most. I have learned that usually when something bad happens to me (which is more often than not lol), it might get to me at the moment, but typically by the next day (at the latest) I’m fine for the most part. I think to myself, “that was yesterday, I can’t do anything about yesterday”.

“When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. ” -TD Jakes

-Signed, I wish you well


“…when the dark clouds arise, I will stay by your side… I know we’ll be alright… I will stay you…”

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The Funny Thing About Rain

Life changes like the weather. It can be random, possibly predicted, and occasionally be in your favor. We can plan, plan, plan, but we don’t ultimately get to tell “life” what to do. It is true we can control ourselves and oversee certain situations, but there are many things that come our way that we have no power over, we can only control how we respond to it.

Cloudy, With a Chance of Meatballs Rain. As I said already, life changes like the weather, but not all of us get the same type of weather, even if we are side by side. Rain is usually used to describe the hard times in life, the storms. I had a pastor say years ago that you are always at one of three points in life: 1) about to head into a storm 2) in a storm 3) just getting out of a storm. I guess there is truth to that, I don’t disagree, but I’m also not totally sure, so I guess (lol).

I realize storms are usually looked at in a negative light, which is understandable because  it sucks when bad things happen. I also realize that we need rain, and we also need the rain in our lives, the pain and hardships. I don’t want to go into the cliches we are all aware of when it comes to hard times. Yes, I know “joy and pain go together like sunshine and rain,” I love that song, but it’s saying those things at the wrong time that can ignite a fire in people (personally speaking).

In my experience, the worst things that have happened to me have made me stronger. The things that have brought me to the lowest points of my life and made me wonder was all this suffering worth it. Why? Mainly, because I survived and it was worth it, even when I thought it would never end. I learned to endure when there didn’t seem to be any light in darkness. Storms are not easy, but necessary. I know that some of the rainy days of my life were self-induced. I learned from those as well. I know that I am young. I also know that I don’t want to be afraid to screw up, but this doesn’t mean that I want to live recklessly either. I am still looking for that balance. I may be searching for that balance for a while.

“..if I begged and if I cried, would it change the sky tonight? would it give me some light?..” – Beyonce

“..I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.. but once again, I say amen and it’s still raining.. – Casting Crowns

Living a life of no regrets is, of course, easier said than done. I look at my past and know that it is anything but pretty, but then I look at me today. If that was what it took for me to get to the road I am at, then as I grit my teeth, I would do it all over again, if necessary. I have learned that misery doesn’t necessarily always love company. In my experience, when I get to those points I prefer to be alone to get a chance to think and regroup.

“..when I’m lost in the rain.. in your eyes, I know I’ll find the light to light my way.. – Christina Aguilera

Cheap Umbrellas. There are also times when we don’t have to walk alone. These are usually the times when we find out who is really here for us (*Ray J voice* lol), but seriously, this is when you weed out the posers. I am certain that I am not the first, last or 15th (random number) person who was told from different individuals at some point in some way that they would be there for you no matter what. I also am certain that I am not alone in noticing that some of those same people were the first to disappear when it began to drizzle. Those moments impact us and if you are saying they don’t, you have proven my point.

“..on a perfect day, I know that I can count on you.. when that’s not possible, tell me can you weather a storm?..” – New Edition

I read in this book by Dr. Larry Crabb about relationships and he said, “we must never claim that our relationships with others do not affect us deeply: they do.” Just because something doesn’t have a major impact on you doesn’t mean it didn’t do anything to you at all. These disappointments should give you wisdom as to how you evaluate your relationships, that would be my hope, unless you are interested in unhealthy cycles. When you begin to allow people to show you who they are, it lightens the load a lot. Personally, I experience this a lot when I meet new people (particularly males, but I digress lol), but male or female, it happens! Notice our circles flourish when it’s all good, but my how the crowd scatters when the climate is altered. Lest we forget, in the words of New Edition (lol), “..sunny days, everybody loves them.. can you stand the rain?..” This may be a rhetorical question, a rare few would say “no.”

“..when the sun shines, we’ll shine together.. told you I’ll be here forever, said I’ll always be a friend.. took an oath Imma stick it out till the end.. now that it’s raining more than ever, know that we’ll still have each other.. you can stand under my umbrella..” – Rihanna

Don’t get me wrong, there are also in existence the “ridaz” (slang explanation: people that will be by your side no matter what lol). Though they are few and sometimes far between, these are the ones you truly appreciate. This is the way life works, never has anything that is too big been totally loyal, not necessarily saying it’s 100% loyalty in small circles either. Anyways! We luck out and get these people in our lives that will not only be with you through all your drama, attitudes, and storms, but not care if you all have an umbrella. They just want to be where they said they would be, and that place is there.. for you! I can only speak for myself, but apart from God, those people in my life helped me learn what it means to cherish something. The only way to really have a good friendship is to also be a good friend. One must also be mindful as to personal ‘operations’ in dealing with people and maintain your own character. Many of us are known for seeking out qualities that we do not possess, let’s not do that!

5-Day Forecast? We are an instantaneous generation. We want everything right now! The idea of waiting 30 seconds for certain things might make us want to burst into flames. Am I over-exaggerating? Maybe, but how often have you waited 30 seconds for a website to upload, a channel to change, or have been on hold on a phone call. We want to know everything now. Waiting, is unfortunately becoming archaic. This mindset is becoming how we expect life to work. We need detailed predictions that are accurate, at least almost always. Just typing about this is pathetic lol.

Call me old-fashioned, but I like the anxiety of waiting and not knowing most times, especially when it comes to a love interest, ha ha. I love the nervousness and weird insecurity it brings because it is that exciting. Believe it or not, I somewhat feel this way about my storms. They aren’t bad every day, because I don’t allow it. Just as the saying is, “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade,” well, I say, “when life give you rain.. learn to play in it sometimes and grow!”

For those that know me, know that I am a big movie buff. I don’t watch television from the same perspective as everyone else. I try to understand the characters, the purpose of the script, etc. I always love pulling out quotes that are applicable. I don’t remember how it was said exactly, but in the movie “Troy”, Brad Pitt’s character says something about how the gods were jealous of humans, because we don’t know our fate and that it was more beautiful that way. I agree. For me, the uncertainty of life excites me, even when it hurts. In this way, I feel as though I truly live! Imagine how Noah felt when he saw rain for the first time.. one word: wow!

“..and I’ll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I’ve cried, You hold in your hand.. You never left my side and though my heart is torn.. I will praise You in this storm..” – Casting Crowns

And remember.. after the rain, the sun shines and the rainbows come (the reminder of the Promise), but through the storm, the Son shines.. be encouraged!

-Signed, No Matter the Weather

“..I was alone, but You found me where I was hiding.. my love I’ve never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest nights, and I’m the One that’s loved you all your life..– Meredith Andrews

“..what you want might make you cry, what you need might pass you by if you don’t catch it.. when it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good?..” – Lauryn Hill

Matters of the Heart: Can You Handle This?

I wanted to blog about anything but this topic… love/relationships. It’s the very thing that finds its way in and out of my thoughts throughout the day that I simply don’t want to bother with.. Why? I’m glad you asked (for once), because I get that question more than I’d prefer. And by that, I mean the “where’s your boyfriend at?/why don’t you have a man?” question. For starters, I would like to acknowledge the fact that..

“I don’t need a man to complete me, but to compliment me (and by that I don’t mean terms of endearment)”

So let’s address this question: Why am I voluntarily single? Why have I temporarily quit on this thing called love? I will give my top 3 reasons:

  1. I’m only 22! I cannot lie. I used to want to be married young and get out of this “dating game” and just have my one to give my all to. This is still something I want, but then I think about the vision I have for my future and a relationship would complicate that right now. I’m not a part-time “lover” lol… but seriously, with the goal of marriage being the purpose of any romance, I believe marriage is the highest relationship you can have with any human being on this earth, which means, my little pleasures would have to take a back seat. I don’t mind that, but I realize I don’t want to give that up right now. I still need to get a better grip onto who I am and what I like/want… I want to be a whole person for the man I marry and I expect the same.
  2. I’m still in recovery. Just like anybody else, I’ve had some heartaches and major disappointments, so I’m not exactly trying to be shopping for my next ex-boyfriend. I’ve been through a lot in life in general at very early stages that have had greater long-term impact than I’d thought. I am evaluating some choices I’ve made in the past (and present) to hopefully make my future a little smoother. I realize I give… a lot and possibly on the dating level, maybe I have given too much. The funny thing is, even in all that past giving, that isn’t even the half of it… Mr. E man, you have no idea what you are in for lol! Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to anyone to hop from relationship to relationship, feelings and attachments don’t just suddenly drop for me so I don’t move on until I have really moved on. Fortunately, I can say I have moved on from all my past relationships and can honestly wish them well.
  3. I honestly don’t think I have encountered anyone that can handle me. I know the first thought would be to think that was a sexual reference… not necessarily. I realize I have a lot to offer and also much going for me. I would not dare waste that on someone who shouldn’t be apart of that. On the more “negative” side of that statement, I also realize that I am a handful, not in a crazy way, but I just am lol. I need somebody that doesn’t do what most have been good at doing, which is leaving. I know when it’s for real, I willingly walk through the fire.

So what am I doing in the meantime? Living it up (lol). Trying not to be anxious in looking for “him” and trying not to be possessive over the “hims” that don’t belong to me. I’m learning how to really be a friend, especially since I want to marry my best friend, so I figure if someone is intimidated by being in the “friend zone”, that is more than I need to know (red flag!). I’m adjusting to being comfortable in my own skin and embracing my flaws in the midst of trying to figure out this thing we call life. So I would just encourage you all out there that may be in the same boat to not make emotional decisions to satisfy fickle feelings and temporal loneliness that may go beyond a male/female companion, because there are many lonely people in relationships/marriages. Don’t be a zombie and try to act as if you aren’t a human being though, it’s natural to feel and want these things. Don’t settle for “right now” but expect forever. Know your worth. Keep your faith/values. Be encouraged!

-Signed, Crazy/Beautiful

“…she lives in a mindset that you could never move to…” -Drake

“One for sorrow, two for joy.. sometimes you win or sometimes you lose. I don’t wanna lose you, don’t even own you. I just wanna stay right here until never dawns yeah” -Corinne Bailey Rae

Don’t awaken love before its time (Song of Solomon)


Where I Wanna Be

As I was thinking of this title, this song came to my mind… On the contrary, the answer to my own question of where do I wanna be was… the beach lol. I need to go to a few this summer. Just relax.

But since the song is here… why not mention love. It’s pretty relevant to where I am on the relationship tip these days. The reality is… I don’t wantneed one… not right now. I wanna do too much and don’t need the worry (of any kind) of SOS (someone special). I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes and I’ve also learned a lot about the effort and work that goes into this thing called love. I give a lot. I am certainly in no condition or position to give like that right now, especially because it seems as though every time I work even harder, therefore the fall is even greater. I don’t want that. I consider my past experiences like mini divorces if they lasted a nice length…

like:

  •  who gets the “friends” instead of kids…
  • should I still talk to your family and vice versa…
  • how long should I wait before I bring someone else to places we’ve been
  • should I call or text on ya b-day (or should I still have your number?)
  • anniversary
  • what will I feel like if I run into you after a long time
  • how do I know the next one will be different (if I want a next rela)… and many other factors

I have really learned to count the cost in this thing and it is not a price I am willing to pay right now. I just wanna have fun and friends. Experience the world and travel. Learn new things and figure out who I am and wanna be… I think D.C. (Destiny’s Child not Dane Cooklol) said it best… ain’t no feeling like be free (when your mind’s made up and your heart is in the right place)…

-Signed, …I’m sorry if ya dig me (especially if I dig you too… lol-not funny)