Posts Tagged ‘ reflection ’

I’m Writing… Because…

I’d like to share some thoughts and letters that I believe are relevant to everyone in a way and also personal to me. This is a little unorthodox in comparison to my other writings, but I’m an unorthodox individual so I guess it fits. So I write…

Dear Karma,
I’m writing you this because everyone says you’re a bitch, but just like the days when I worked in retail and had tough customers, I realize that you are simply doing your job. I understand.

Dear Hype,
I’m writing you because I think we need to end this. It’s not me, it’s you. I don’t need to be caught up in you and the facades associated with you. It’s nothing personal. Maybe it is.

Dear Thrill,
I’m writing you this because I seek you often; you fascinate me.

Dear Hollywood,
I’m writing you this because you make life come alive or at least I thought so. I used to think everything was perfect some place on this earth and that I was inadequate to fit in such a world because I didn’t look like you.

Dear God,
I’m writing You this because I need to and most importantly I need You. It doesn’t even seem fit to call You Daddy anymore these days because things have changed between You and I. I used to “bring You more than a song”, we used to kick it, I used to tell You everything, but I made some choices that shifted that. I traded Your beauty for rags, made my prodigal child return and took flight again.

This world puts You in this box of being this convenient, understanding and no discipline god or so formal that no one ever really knows You. You are my constant reminder of humility when I get beside myself in cockiness and I look at how I treat You and see that I ain’t shit. In the midst of trying to find balance in between “religion” and rebellion I am at a crossroads, fork in the road, limbo.

It’s crazy to claim to love someone so much, but hurt them so often. Everything I claim to hate in others are the things I do to You: lie, leave, cheat, inconsistency, drama, distant, always sorry but never really changing, etc. At times, I find myself looking for everything in others what can only be found in You. I know this, I knew this, yet I continue to do it. A part of me wishes things went back to what they are. A part of me sees that this is merely a season and something good is going to come out of this point in my life. It’s good to know that no matter what, I’m Yours, I can cry to You, shout, scream, vent, be truly naked, be me around You. Your love will endure forever. You never leave. You are my only guarantee. I don’t know how to end this because it’ll never really be finished. I guess I could say I’m grateful for Your grace. I surely don’t get what I deserve.

-Signed, Me

“…Since my date of birth, I bought you nothing but hurt…” -Jay-Z
“…I told God I’d be back in a second, man it’s so hard not to act reckless…” -Kanye West
“…I’ve come undone, but You make sense of who I am…” -Red
“…tell Him I love Him… tell Him I need Him…” – Lauryn Hill
“..You search much deeper within, through the way things appear… You’re looking into my heart…….I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it when it’s all about You…” -Matt Redman
“….are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples with walls around our weakness and smiles that hide our pain… …the performance is convincing, we know every line by heart, only when no one is watching can we really fall apart…” -Casting Crowns
“…I’m a puzzle, yes indeed, ever complex in every way… …I don’t know why You love me and that’s why I love You…” -Beyonce
“..You’re my only reason, You’re my only truth… I need You like water, like breathe, like rain… I need You like mercy from heaven’s gate…” -LeAnn Rimes

“…dear lie, you suck…” -TLC


I Hope You Dance

The metaphor I am about to present may be a little farfetched, but I ask that you stay with me and hopefully grasp a few points from it. Many of us have heard “everything I needed to know I learned in a shopping mall” or something similar to that. Well, the experience I just had would be “everything I needed to know I learned in the bath tub”, so stay with me, let me explain.

The Literal. I ran a bubble bath to relieve some stress, lit some candles, got my playlist together. I let the water run on really hot because I knew I would take a while getting the perfect playlist together and figured the water would cool down by the time I was ready. When I was finally ready the water was really hot, but I kept putting my foot in every few seconds as if it would change or with the slight hope that maybe I could bare it. I was unsuccessful (lol). So I ran cold water and tried to mix it up. Fail #2. I ran the shower in ice cold water hoping it would even it out and left out for a little while. When I returned the water was still hot.

I had a choice, a few actually. I could hop in that tub and burn, I could wait it out and let it cool off, I could say forget the bath altogether, or I could pull the stopper out and let it get to half full and run some more cold water. I chose the latter which is probably the choice I feared most because the water was so hot. I left for maybe 2 minutes and came back and ALL the water was gone lol. Part of me said to forget the bath after all of this drama. Another part said run another, but the same thing could happen if I’m not monitoring what’s going on. Another part of me said run the bath but sit in the tub this time while the water runs so that you know it’s right. I chose the latter.

The Figurative. I know you’re probably thinking “this girl puts too much thought into her baths” lol and that is and isn’t the case. I thought about all of this once I finally relaxed (lol). Many times in life when it comes to routine things in life it seems as if it is embedded in us to do things the way they have always been done. In some ways it might feel as if things have to be done in that way, so much so subconsciously we may feel as if we have no choice, but we do. We always will have a choice, it may not always be preferable options, but still we have choice nonetheless.

As I sat there I thought. I could’ve quit and decided to just not take my bath considering all the drama I had to go through to get it right, but I was glad that I chose to figure something out because it was well needed and well worth it. Then I took it a little further as far as how I decided to change water temperatures. This is random but I have a point. If I’m already in the tub, I’m not getting up to change the temperature with my hands so I use my foot. I went further and thought, “you know, if I wanted to I could’ve worn a bathing suit in here or even my clothes. It would be strange but I could have if I wanted to”. There are plenty of things I could have brought into this scenario that didn’t make sense, but I could have done it if I wanted to.

“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder… you get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger… may you never take one single breath for granted, God forbid love ever leave you empty handed… I hope you still feel small
when you stand by the ocean… whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens…”

“…promise me you’ll give faith a fighting chance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance… I hope you dance… I hope you dance…”

What’s The Point? Many times in life we may subconsciously or consciously strip ourselves of the power we have over our own lives for various reasons. Also, many times we like to play the blame game as for why we are the way we are, but that can only go so far. At what point do we say, “yeah this or that influenced me, but that isn’t who I want to be anymore, so I won’t”? At what point do we do things that don’t make sense, but do them because we just simply had to and don’t feel the need to have to explain ourselves? Why do we fear being so misunderstood or criticism yet constantly audibly proclaim we don’t care what people think? Who says you have to live this way?

My point and encouragement to everyone and also myself is to follow what you’ve yearned for. Go after what keeps you up at night because you want it that bad. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t understand so how can you expect everyone to always understand? Why constantly feel as if you need them to understand you? Pursue your dreams. Embrace your mistakes. Acknowledge but do not be crippled by your failures. Appreciate those that support you. Refuse to think otherwise about your goals because of those who don’t. Cling to those who love you. Flee from those who mean you harm, but never hate them. Never be the cancer to your own passions. Be unconventional, influential, humble, extraordinary. I hope you dance.

“…I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, never settle for the path of least resistance…”

“…living might mean taking chances, but they’re worth taking… lovin’ might be a mistake, but it’s worth making…”

“…don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter, when you come close to selling out… reconsider… give the heavens above more than just a passing glance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance… I hope you dance…”

-Signed, For me givin’ up’s way harder than tryin’

“…I hope you dance…”

All Falls Down

There was a solid concept for this blog, but even as I write this, I still don’t know what to write. I’ve been thinking about in this short time of being on this earth and the life I have lived so far and how much I have compromised in ways I didn’t even know I did. In the past maybe five years or so, I have led to dramatically different lifestyles, yet behind them both, my mindset remained the same. Many times I’ve asked myself “why am I doing this?” Whether it had to do with morals, personal preference, things I’ve supported or places I went. I’m not sure if I would say I consider myself a people pleaser because I rarely go all in. I guess I would say that there are many times that I’ve done or said things just to alleviate some drama, even if I chose to lie. Though I despise lying with everything in my being, sometimes I get to points of not wanting to hear it that I give someone what they want to hear because in most cases the truth wasn’t good enough.

“…they love it when you smile unaware that it’s a strain…” -Drake

“…so with a painted grin, I’ll play the part again so everyone will see me the way that I see them.. are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeple with walls around our weakness and smiles that hide our pain…” -Casting Crowns

“…I do what I hate like everything’s great, but everything’s not, everything’s incredibly fake.. ..I know I need You, just not sure if I want You, it’s not easy I like this deceit, I like being weak, I’m confused…” -Lano Medina

I’ve noticed some habits I have acquired over the years, especially my coping mechanisms and I have always realized how most of them don’t benefit me, but it is as if I cannot help it. This is what I do, this is what works for me whether it’s temporary or not. I don’t like getting too much advice because most of the time others don’t know what to tell you either and end up giving you well-meant but bad advice which would only add to the already prevalent confusion.

“…whoever spottin’ me is playin’so I’m liftin’ all alone tryin’ not to get a strain…” -Drake

“…she got a black girl name, she livin’ black girl pain… growin up days as a black girl scarred in so many ways though we’ve come so far, they just know the name they don’t know the pain…” -Talib Kweli

“…people say I’ve got my hands in too many things, keeping time with paupers just as well as kings… …here I am, I’m just a fragment of my God, heavenly Father here me, sometimes life gets so hard…” -Teena Marie

I have always been very observant and have always said just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t know. It is a gift and a curse because it seems as though I notice everything, even things I don’t want to know and I realize there are many instances where I’m not supposed to say anything at all or I shouldn’t say it yet. It’s hard for me to watch people live to please the masses, the same masses that will scatter when things go in another direction. It’s a struggle to be the faithful friend/support when those you extend your hand to are pursuing people that are obviously using them and taking them for granted. The thing that alleviates some of my frustration in these situations and humbles me, even, is when I think about how I do the same thing to God many times. Why do we tend to avoid the ones that love us most? I’m trying to learn to be more intentionally appreciative.

“…they’ll hail you then nail you no matter who you are…” -Lauryn Hill

“…feelin’ so distant from everyone I’ve known, to make everybody happy I think I would need a clone…” -Drake

“…and every time I tried to be what someone else thought of me, so caught up, I wasn’t able to achieve…” -Lauryn Hill

…and I made up my mind to define my own destiny…” -Lauryn Hill

“…only when no one is watching can we really fall apart…” -Casting Crowns

Another big compromise that is consistent for many reasons that I am aware of is my many times obvious bad choice in the males I allow in my life. I can notice a red flag from miles away, but like everything else I’m a “chance giver” even to those who obviously don’t deserve on. Another coping mechanism that fuels the endless cycle of fuckery that is in my life. I learn from both my own and others mistakes, so when it comes to me putting myself in foolish situations, I can at least say I make sure it is short-lived because I just refuse to be bothered with it but for so long.

“…I keep letting you back in, how can I explain myself?…” -Lauryn Hill

“in vain you make yourself beautiful. Your lovers despise you; they seek your life.” -Jeremiah 4:30

“…found out the man I’d die for, he wasn’t even concerned…” -Lauryn Hill

“…when am I ever gonna learn that it burns to kiss the sun?…” -Lano

“Lord, I apologize for what I’ve done to You… …every time that I needed You, You’re by my side, every time that You needed me, I ran to hide…” -Rell

I realized in the midst of all the things I don’t understand and am trying to figure out, one thing has remained consistent and that is my faith. This always surprises me because I have tried many of times to convince myself otherwise and it just won’t happen, despite my anger, unanswered questions, disappointments, and the list could go on. When all else fails and when everything is great, I realize that Jesus is all I have whether I like it or not and whether I want it or not. It’s comforting to know this His forever means forever regardless of my thoughts and actions. It’s also comforting to know that no matter what He is the only one that truly knows me despite those that think they can figure me out because of a few facebook statuses (shots fired? maybe, I don’t care).

“…forgive me for my disrespect, forgive me for my lies… …I’m sick of n*ggaz lyin’, sick of b*tches hawkin’ as a matter of fact I’m sick of talkin’…” -Biggie

“…see this song is not about You, because I tried to live without You… …look at my life and how I manage, don’t You see the way I damage You?…” -Rell

-Signed, I Know You Like To Worry, It’d Be Better If You Don’t…

“…because a rose is still a rose… baby girl you’re still a flower… he can leave you and then take you, make you and then break you… darling, you hold the power… …don’t believe that life is over just because your man is gone… without him your life goes on…” -Aretha Franklin

“…single black female addicted to retail and well…”

Now Playing 12.30.09

Music is a major outlet for me. When I feel a certain way that I don’t care to express outwardly, I let the music “speak” for/to me. This is my escape. My understanding. A place I can call my own. Then I write…

  1.  The Climb – Miley Cyrus
  2. Bitch – Meredith Brooks
  3. Just Like A Pill – P!nk
  4. Hero – Mariah Carey
  5. Killing Me Softly – The Fugees
  6. Houstatlantavegas* – Drake
  7. Boulevard of Broken Dreams* – Green Day
  8. You Were Meant For Me – Jewel
  9. Stop Falling – P!nk
  10. Disappear – Beyonce
  11. Lucky* – Britney Spears
  12. Family Portrait – P!nk
  13. H.A.T.E.U. – Mariah Carey
  14. Obvious – Christina Aguilera
  15. Paparazzi – Lady Gaga
  16. Hands – Jewel
  17. Don’t Let Me Get Me* – P!nk
  18. Reflection – Christina Aguilera

*these songs stand out the most

I Don’t Want To Wait

So I have been thinking about some of my short-term goals and just learning to make the best of unfortunate circumstances, because that is all they are.. circumstances, and they are constantly changing. I’ve noticed many people discussing the coming new year and the “changes” they intend to make and the things they plan to leave in ’09. That’s all well and good if that is what you want to do, but I don’t want to wait until then.. I never do. I have never been the type of person that likes to let anything dwell in my life that doesn’t need to be there.

I am constantly reminded in some way of my potential and the vision given to me, regardless of what others think or who also believes in it with me. I have never been like a lot of people, I realize that. Once upon a time I thought of being “weird” or “different” in the negative light, but I realize that all of those that I compared myself to had nothing I wanted. A little saying I occasionally think to myself is: “I am aware of trends, I don’t follow them” meaning I won’t be ignorant to what’s around me, but that doesn’t mean I have to be apart of it either.

I am embracing the fact that God made me extraordinary, I am finally truly loving that. It’s humbling in the sense that I sometimes wonder “why give me so much or why notice me?” I still don’t know why, but I am grateful. It also made me mindful of my worth. I have spent many years undervaluing myself in different ways and have struggled back and forth with that. With all of that being said, there have been 4 areas that really impacted me this year that I’ll touch on:

  1. My walk
  2. My relationships or relationshits (let’s be honest)
  3. My goals
  4. My finances

My Walk. I say “my” to re-enforce the fact that they are mine, not yours or anyone elses. Part of me wants to say it has been rocky, but in all honesty, in all that I have dealt with this year, I truly can understand the statement “sometimes you don’t realize that Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.” I realized that even those with the best intentions will disappoint in some way whether it is intentional or not. I realized that even if the whole world turned it’s back on me, God will still be the only one to love me unconditionally. I am no longer afraid to say “I don’t know” or terrified of making mistakes or questioning my faith. I am learning to be real with myself and to take responsibility for my world. For example, nobody can “make” me mad, it’s a choice to respond that way, whether it’s legitimate or not. I also learned that my destiny isn’t in other people’s hands. I have had many assumptions made about me by people who don’t even know me, but run with something they heard and you know what.. I don’t care. I have finally learned to love me and even if I am the only one, that’s fine. I have a greater purpose.

My Relationships. TD Jakes once said, “I’ve got the gift of goodbye. If people walk away from you, let them. Your destiny is never tied to people who left.” Though I am not very familiar with him or his teachings, I liked what he said. I used to be pressed about who was in my life. I wanted everyone to stay forever! I now see that some people are only meant to be around for a season and that’s okay. I have learned to be more mindful in how I invest my time, trust, and energy into people as well. Anyone that was on a pedestal is gone. I put nothing passed anyone, because people are people. It’s okay to be hurt by the ending of a friendship or whatever the nature of the relationship, but it is not the end of the world. I am grateful for the faithful few. 😉

My goals. I’m excited and terrified of my future all at the same time. I am a “planner” and I like to know a play by play as to what is goin on, and I don’t have that. It’s scary, but it’s okay. It challenges me to try to do better today for what is to come tomorrow. I am going through a lot of changes and the adjustments aren’t easy. However, most great things are never easy so I understand the challenges that come my way. I am also coming out of my shell and going harder on the writing tip, which I also know is going to play a major role down the line and even right now. We shall see…

My finances. I want to say that I hate money, but that isn’t true. I’ve seen what just a lil bit of something can do to people and it’s so ugly. I personally don’t really care for it, but realize I need it to get certain things done. I have been between jobs these past few months which mainly started with my car troubles, to the point I just let the car go, it wasn’t worth the headache. However I do have a pretty solid opportunity starting in January, so I’m a little excited/nervous about that. I actually don’t like working. I come from a family of hustlers in the more immediate sense, I don’t like working for anybody, but it’ll do for now.

So anywho.. I won’t wait until 2010 to continue to do what I have been doing, which is progressing. I won’t make any unrealistic plans of change that I probably don’t want to make (yet). I realize I am not an overnight project, so I won’t rush a good thing.

-Signed, pieces out of a puzzle

The Square in the Circle

That’s kinda how I look at how I fit in my world… There are all these cliques (or circles) and here I am with my pointy edges (lol). There used to be a point in my life when I didn’t find that funny at all, but in the midst of growing up, I’ve grown to like the fact that I never felt like I fit “in” even though I was usually always accepted. I wasn’t one of those kids that got picked on or nothing like that, I actually almost always got along with everybody, I just didn’t see myself being like my surroundings. I used to think that was a bad thing.

I have always been very observant. I noticed during my school days the same kids with the “I don’t care what nobody thinks, I’m my own person attitude” didn’t have the disposition that agreed with their words. Though they screamed and boasted in their alleged uniqueness, they looked jjst like all of their friends. It’s funny because it seemed like I would always be the person that would talk to these same people on a one on one and they’d confess how they didn’t wanna be the way they presented themselves. It was a sad thing to hear.

I find it interesting in our culture how so many people desparately try to fit into a mold that those who are “in” are secretly trying to sneak out of. People live as if being called different or weird is a death sentence and they would rather die from other causes than to labled such a thing. That makes my heart ache at times. More so when I see it in little children. Sometimes I envy children when they are at that age/stage where they don’t know what “in” is and all they know how to do is be. I’m striving to get back to that. I don’t want to be one of those sad confessions that live a life as someone I am not and do not want to be. You should never have to explain to anyone what “type” of person you are, it should be evident. I am learning what it is to be comfortable in my skin and embrace my imperfections, and to truly know how to love myself. I hope you seek this path as well… because you’re beauty darling!

-Signed, L7… and you’re free to be you 🙂

Cause I got a couple dents in my fender/Got a couple rips in my jeans/Try to fit the pieces together/But perfection is my enemy/And on my own I’m so clumsy/But on Your shoulders I can see/I’m free to be me”

Smile Anyway

Matters of the Heart: Can You Handle This?

I wanted to blog about anything but this topic… love/relationships. It’s the very thing that finds its way in and out of my thoughts throughout the day that I simply don’t want to bother with.. Why? I’m glad you asked (for once), because I get that question more than I’d prefer. And by that, I mean the “where’s your boyfriend at?/why don’t you have a man?” question. For starters, I would like to acknowledge the fact that..

“I don’t need a man to complete me, but to compliment me (and by that I don’t mean terms of endearment)”

So let’s address this question: Why am I voluntarily single? Why have I temporarily quit on this thing called love? I will give my top 3 reasons:

  1. I’m only 22! I cannot lie. I used to want to be married young and get out of this “dating game” and just have my one to give my all to. This is still something I want, but then I think about the vision I have for my future and a relationship would complicate that right now. I’m not a part-time “lover” lol… but seriously, with the goal of marriage being the purpose of any romance, I believe marriage is the highest relationship you can have with any human being on this earth, which means, my little pleasures would have to take a back seat. I don’t mind that, but I realize I don’t want to give that up right now. I still need to get a better grip onto who I am and what I like/want… I want to be a whole person for the man I marry and I expect the same.
  2. I’m still in recovery. Just like anybody else, I’ve had some heartaches and major disappointments, so I’m not exactly trying to be shopping for my next ex-boyfriend. I’ve been through a lot in life in general at very early stages that have had greater long-term impact than I’d thought. I am evaluating some choices I’ve made in the past (and present) to hopefully make my future a little smoother. I realize I give… a lot and possibly on the dating level, maybe I have given too much. The funny thing is, even in all that past giving, that isn’t even the half of it… Mr. E man, you have no idea what you are in for lol! Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to anyone to hop from relationship to relationship, feelings and attachments don’t just suddenly drop for me so I don’t move on until I have really moved on. Fortunately, I can say I have moved on from all my past relationships and can honestly wish them well.
  3. I honestly don’t think I have encountered anyone that can handle me. I know the first thought would be to think that was a sexual reference… not necessarily. I realize I have a lot to offer and also much going for me. I would not dare waste that on someone who shouldn’t be apart of that. On the more “negative” side of that statement, I also realize that I am a handful, not in a crazy way, but I just am lol. I need somebody that doesn’t do what most have been good at doing, which is leaving. I know when it’s for real, I willingly walk through the fire.

So what am I doing in the meantime? Living it up (lol). Trying not to be anxious in looking for “him” and trying not to be possessive over the “hims” that don’t belong to me. I’m learning how to really be a friend, especially since I want to marry my best friend, so I figure if someone is intimidated by being in the “friend zone”, that is more than I need to know (red flag!). I’m adjusting to being comfortable in my own skin and embracing my flaws in the midst of trying to figure out this thing we call life. So I would just encourage you all out there that may be in the same boat to not make emotional decisions to satisfy fickle feelings and temporal loneliness that may go beyond a male/female companion, because there are many lonely people in relationships/marriages. Don’t be a zombie and try to act as if you aren’t a human being though, it’s natural to feel and want these things. Don’t settle for “right now” but expect forever. Know your worth. Keep your faith/values. Be encouraged!

-Signed, Crazy/Beautiful

“…she lives in a mindset that you could never move to…” -Drake

“One for sorrow, two for joy.. sometimes you win or sometimes you lose. I don’t wanna lose you, don’t even own you. I just wanna stay right here until never dawns yeah” -Corinne Bailey Rae

Don’t awaken love before its time (Song of Solomon)