Posts Tagged ‘ growing up ’

Mama’s Boyfriend

“You know it makes me unhappy, when brothas make babies and leave a young mother to be a pappy” -Tupac

Single mothers have become the norm for many of us. The reason and responsibility of this reality is not solely on one person. There are many children that grow up with people coming in and out of their lives as if there is a revolving door. If we fast forward to young adulthood from this sort of upbringing and (possible) instability we see the scars that will have broken or made these once innocent kids. Let me make the following clear before I go on: Not all experiences with step parents are negative. Not everyone that has had a bad experience with step parents continue the unfortunate cycle. What I am about to address is not limited to step fathers.

Mommy, Where Daddy Went? Some people have never met their fathers, others can count on their hands how many run-ins they’ve had with pop, and still others could say he was “around” as in knowing who he was. There are many mothers that have those heartbreaking conversations with their children trying to explain the absence of their father, attempting to make excuses for his excuses, doing their best to fill his shoes, but no matter what mom says, nothing takes away the question of “why didn’t he want me? why doesn’t he love me?” Some moms look at this as more reason to hurry in a male figure to try to fill a void that is already permanent unbeknown to mom.

“Look what was handed us. Fathers abandoned us… …Sometimes I feel no one in this world understands us” -Kanye West

Who’s That? In some situations, some of you can remember as a child that some guy kinda popped up and suddenly lived in your house and you can’t sleep in mom’s room anymore. Or for others, maybe this occurred on multiple occasions and you received no warning, explanation or support concerning mom’s decision. Maybe you were too young to understand so you didn’t understand the change in the current. Maybe it made you angry. Maybe you wanted things back to what they once were, because your world just got rocked and you’re wondering in your young mind “who’s that?”

Trust Factor. In some cases, some people get tired of their singleness and meet someone rather sporadically and they become daddy (or mommy). Suddenly a child is left alone with a stranger regularly. Another concern that comes along with these situations is that there are a lot of perverts in this world. There are many women and also men that can remember being violated in their childhood by someone that they were introduced to by someone they trusted.

Under the Influence. Children are like sponges, they absorb their surroundings. If children see fighting, violence, instability, addiction, and so on, that impacts them for life. The mentalities gained here could be used for betterment or a continuance of an unhealthy cycle. There is good reason for there to be two parents in a child’s life, because regardless of how much love a mother has in her heart, she could never teach her son to be a man, and to have another man that is just simply “around” doesn’t help much either. In some cases, boys grow up either hating or disrespecting women because of what they saw or were/weren’t taught. There are young girls giving their bodies and hearts to anyone that would take them because “daddy” wasn’t there to assure them of their worth in the way that only a father could.

“I remember being kicked out the house cuz I looked just like you… Said I’d be nothing but a crook just like you” -Beanie Sigel

It is understandable for a parent to desire companionship. It’s natural. It’s human. But there are others to take into consideration other than self when children are involved. Your children didn’t ask to be here and it’s not their fault nor their responsibility in regards to the circumstances you may be under. It is not their job to raise themselves either. Some parents do not consider the impact (or the dangers) of bringing a new significant (or insignificant) other into their child’s life for the sake of loneliness. Every relationship has risks, but I implore all (single) parents to really take into account who they bring into their children’s worlds.

-Signed, Cycle Ends Here

“You ain’t interested in me, you just trynna f*ck my mom” -Kanye West



“But you left me, now I’m goin to court just like you. I would say “my daddy loves me and he’ll never go away”. Bullsh*t, do you even remember December’s my birthday? Do you even remember the tender boy you turned into a cold young man?” -Jay-Z

Advertisements

All Falls Down

There was a solid concept for this blog, but even as I write this, I still don’t know what to write. I’ve been thinking about in this short time of being on this earth and the life I have lived so far and how much I have compromised in ways I didn’t even know I did. In the past maybe five years or so, I have led to dramatically different lifestyles, yet behind them both, my mindset remained the same. Many times I’ve asked myself “why am I doing this?” Whether it had to do with morals, personal preference, things I’ve supported or places I went. I’m not sure if I would say I consider myself a people pleaser because I rarely go all in. I guess I would say that there are many times that I’ve done or said things just to alleviate some drama, even if I chose to lie. Though I despise lying with everything in my being, sometimes I get to points of not wanting to hear it that I give someone what they want to hear because in most cases the truth wasn’t good enough.

“…they love it when you smile unaware that it’s a strain…” -Drake

“…so with a painted grin, I’ll play the part again so everyone will see me the way that I see them.. are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeple with walls around our weakness and smiles that hide our pain…” -Casting Crowns

“…I do what I hate like everything’s great, but everything’s not, everything’s incredibly fake.. ..I know I need You, just not sure if I want You, it’s not easy I like this deceit, I like being weak, I’m confused…” -Lano Medina

I’ve noticed some habits I have acquired over the years, especially my coping mechanisms and I have always realized how most of them don’t benefit me, but it is as if I cannot help it. This is what I do, this is what works for me whether it’s temporary or not. I don’t like getting too much advice because most of the time others don’t know what to tell you either and end up giving you well-meant but bad advice which would only add to the already prevalent confusion.

“…whoever spottin’ me is playin’so I’m liftin’ all alone tryin’ not to get a strain…” -Drake

“…she got a black girl name, she livin’ black girl pain… growin up days as a black girl scarred in so many ways though we’ve come so far, they just know the name they don’t know the pain…” -Talib Kweli

“…people say I’ve got my hands in too many things, keeping time with paupers just as well as kings… …here I am, I’m just a fragment of my God, heavenly Father here me, sometimes life gets so hard…” -Teena Marie

I have always been very observant and have always said just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t know. It is a gift and a curse because it seems as though I notice everything, even things I don’t want to know and I realize there are many instances where I’m not supposed to say anything at all or I shouldn’t say it yet. It’s hard for me to watch people live to please the masses, the same masses that will scatter when things go in another direction. It’s a struggle to be the faithful friend/support when those you extend your hand to are pursuing people that are obviously using them and taking them for granted. The thing that alleviates some of my frustration in these situations and humbles me, even, is when I think about how I do the same thing to God many times. Why do we tend to avoid the ones that love us most? I’m trying to learn to be more intentionally appreciative.

“…they’ll hail you then nail you no matter who you are…” -Lauryn Hill

“…feelin’ so distant from everyone I’ve known, to make everybody happy I think I would need a clone…” -Drake

“…and every time I tried to be what someone else thought of me, so caught up, I wasn’t able to achieve…” -Lauryn Hill

…and I made up my mind to define my own destiny…” -Lauryn Hill

“…only when no one is watching can we really fall apart…” -Casting Crowns

Another big compromise that is consistent for many reasons that I am aware of is my many times obvious bad choice in the males I allow in my life. I can notice a red flag from miles away, but like everything else I’m a “chance giver” even to those who obviously don’t deserve on. Another coping mechanism that fuels the endless cycle of fuckery that is in my life. I learn from both my own and others mistakes, so when it comes to me putting myself in foolish situations, I can at least say I make sure it is short-lived because I just refuse to be bothered with it but for so long.

“…I keep letting you back in, how can I explain myself?…” -Lauryn Hill

“in vain you make yourself beautiful. Your lovers despise you; they seek your life.” -Jeremiah 4:30

“…found out the man I’d die for, he wasn’t even concerned…” -Lauryn Hill

“…when am I ever gonna learn that it burns to kiss the sun?…” -Lano

“Lord, I apologize for what I’ve done to You… …every time that I needed You, You’re by my side, every time that You needed me, I ran to hide…” -Rell

I realized in the midst of all the things I don’t understand and am trying to figure out, one thing has remained consistent and that is my faith. This always surprises me because I have tried many of times to convince myself otherwise and it just won’t happen, despite my anger, unanswered questions, disappointments, and the list could go on. When all else fails and when everything is great, I realize that Jesus is all I have whether I like it or not and whether I want it or not. It’s comforting to know this His forever means forever regardless of my thoughts and actions. It’s also comforting to know that no matter what He is the only one that truly knows me despite those that think they can figure me out because of a few facebook statuses (shots fired? maybe, I don’t care).

“…forgive me for my disrespect, forgive me for my lies… …I’m sick of n*ggaz lyin’, sick of b*tches hawkin’ as a matter of fact I’m sick of talkin’…” -Biggie

“…see this song is not about You, because I tried to live without You… …look at my life and how I manage, don’t You see the way I damage You?…” -Rell

-Signed, I Know You Like To Worry, It’d Be Better If You Don’t…


“…because a rose is still a rose… baby girl you’re still a flower… he can leave you and then take you, make you and then break you… darling, you hold the power… …don’t believe that life is over just because your man is gone… without him your life goes on…” -Aretha Franklin


“…single black female addicted to retail and well…”

Lost, But Searching…

The song “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day will always be dear to my heart because I can relate so well. It’s not so much the lonliness addressed in the song but the “lostness”. I will never pretend that I have life figure out, though I will say there is some wisdom instilled in me. I understand that I will never know it all and that is a releif. I once expressed to someone my desire to move out of my city but also acknowledged that I doubt I’d permantly stay wherever I choose to move. The person disagreed completely because of my commitments here. I responded, “How will I know where I belong if I never look for it?” and that was pretty much the end of that conversation.

“I walk a lonely road… the only one that I have ever known… don’t know where it goes, but it’s home to me and I walk alone…” -Green Day

“…Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and it’s gonna take so long for me to get somewhere… …can You send an angel to guide me?…” -Alicia Keys

Don’t get it twisted, I’m no trouble maker, I just will never be the type of person to do something because that’s what everyone else is doing, I will always want to know why. At certain points in life I realize aside from God, I may be the only one looking out for me or have my best interest in mind (sometimes). In realizing this, I try to be careful about who I love. I’m an all or nothing person so once you’re in, it is difficult to let you go. This is true with all of my relationships, this will never be limited to romance, my rationale is, if you can’t be a good friend to me, it will never need to go beyond that point.

“…here I am, I’m just a fragment of my God, heavenly Father hear me, sometimes life gets so hard..” -Teena Marie

“…one shot to your heart without breaking your skin, no one has the power to hurt you like your kin/friends…” -India.Arie

I’m not trying to “fit” anywhere, I just want to know where I belong. I don’t want anything that isn’t mine. I don’t want to be one of those people that are merely existing, I want to really live every day despite circumstances. I know that God has put me through a lot for good reason and has equipped me to be strong enough to handle it, though it is a struggle to be strong so often. I will never settle for an ordinary life, I bore easily and am easily distracted, yet faithful. I am always trying to see what is new and interesting, yet loyal. At this point in my life all I have is my character and that’s still developing. I realize there are many roads and that I don’t have to choose only one, I can try one and maybe it’s no good for me and I can go another way. I refuse to be boxed, refuse to be silenced, and refuse to settle, I will continually pursue the beautiful wherever and whatever it is.

“…she lives in a mindset you could never move to… …throw your ones up in the air for ‘her’…” -Drake

“…I drove by the fork in the road and went straight…” -Jay-Z

“…please don’t ask me where I’m going… ’cause I don’t know… anymore…” -Corinne Bailey Rae

-Signed, I dont want to be famous, I just want to be great


“…he’s there for you when he shouldn’t be, but he stays all the same, waits for you and then sees you through… there’s no way I could describe him… all I say is, just what I’m hoping for… but I will find him sittin’ on my doorstep… waiting for the surprise… it will feel like he’s been there for hours and I can tell he’ll be there for life…”

Thinking About the 90s

Maybe it’s the 80s baby in me, but… I miss the 90s! I was listening to an old 98 degrees song (don’t judge me) and it took me back. It doesn’t take much to take me back though. Those were the days where I would tape the MTV countdowns of the same videos 5 times over, even if I caught it from the middle. When Hits from the Street was funny and I used to actually learn interesting things from VH1’s Pop Up Video. This is when BET was a lot less coonish, but still coonish all the more (don’t deny it). I was in love with N’Sync, Spice Girls, Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys (Nick), Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, DMX, DragOn, Eve, Jadakiss, Biggie, Pac, Jay-Z, All Saints, Foxy Brown, Eminem, Suspense None the Richer, Limp Bizkit, Paula Cole, Natalie Imbruglia, Busta Rhymes, Ma$e, Cam’ron, Beanie Sigel, Mya, Brandy, Dru Hill (Nokio), Monica, Green Day, Toni Braxton, 702, Aaliyah, Bone Thugs & Harmony, and a hosts of others simultaneously! My music collection is even more eclectic today lol.

These were days when tv actually interested me. I miss Doug, Rugrats, Eureka’s Castle, Recess, Under the Umbrella Tree, Snorks, Barney, Lamb Chop, Jetsons, Flintstones, all my Disney movies and so on. I used to rush home to watch Sweet Valley High, Sister Sister, Moesha, Full House, Step By Step, Smart Guy, Martin, Hangin’ Wit Mr. Cooper, and I can’t think of what else. This was when The Real World was more real. When Lil Kim looked human. This is when I would argue down (and win) with any elementary school kid that the WWF was real! My brother used to break it down for me as to who was who by dividing the good guys from the bad guys (i.e. Shawn Micahels = Good Guy, The Undertaker = Bad Guy) and I loved them both, but Bret Hart was my fave!

I remember playing hide and seek in the projects and hiding all over, in people yards, near the highway, behind dumpsters, wherever! All those relay races and other aggressive games were worth some of the scars I still have to this day (tom boy days). Everything just seemed to be fun. Maybe because I was a young bol, more than likely so, but it is good to reminisce. Since I was maybe 5 years old, we have stayed in every hotel and motel on or near the boardwalk of Atlantic City to the point that I pass up free rooms today because I am AC’d out lol! We used to make up tv shows, dances, songs, did drill team, play: red light/green light, mother may I, catch a girl freak a girl, curb ball, double dutch, MASH, make fortune tellers (and believe them), tell creepy stories, played on people’s phones, fly down the stairs on mattresses and blankets, make tents out of our bunk beds, blackmail each other, play Mario, Sonic, NBA Jams, called the psychic hotline and many other foolish things. I remember in middle school following the almost weekly trends that faded as fast as our boyfriend/girlfriend relationships like: giga pets, pokemon cards, pacifiers, spinning tops, jacks, yo yos (all these things became hustles, a business, and also for trade lol). I met people that I still know to this day and it actually makes me feel kinda old to be able to say I’ve known people for over 15 years lol. These were all the things that were the bright side of my world. I just had to get that out of my system!

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, one of the most important questions in my world was: Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? Once upon a time, to start a story this way brought excitement, a good type of anxiety. Where is this going? Where is this coming from? I’m glad you wondered! We all have those moments when we stop and think “when did it all change and life get so complicated?” I was babysitting my 6 year old sister a few days ago and watching her partially inspired this topic, but not only her, but children and their mentality in general.

Fantasy Land? My sister and I were walking down the street and there was snow out (we had somewhat of a blizzard recently). She was singing and hopping around in the snow, in her own little world. I thought to myself how some parents would have probably told her to cut it out before she falls or gets dirty or something, but when I watch her I tend to let her wonder and wander. I understand that she is a child and that is just what they do, even if it’s annoying to me, I won’t rob her of those moments (at least I try not to).

As all these thoughts flowed through my mind, I almost instantly began to compare our worlds. She doesn’t have a worry or care in the world because she trusts those around her to protect, provide, and help her if she needed. She knows her limits will be given to her if need be, so her plans aren’t much until those limits are close.  It made me think, “when did it all change?” For example,  if she fell, she probably wouldn’t care, but would just get up and brush herself off. She hasn’t properly met embarrassment yet. Whereas an adult would wonder who saw that. I realize children tend to be fearless, because they don’t understand the world yet and how it works.

“Dreams used to be shared with any who would listen, now they are kept close by or else they might be murdered by the dream killers, also known as the hopeless” -TV

I remember when I thought my part of the city was all there was to the world. I remember being maybe 3 or 4 years old thinking that 52nd Street (in West Philadelphia) was the most crowded and busiest place ever! Everything and everyone seemed so big and fascinating! I remember having heroes, whether it was on television (Power Rangers, Lamp Chop, or my favorite WWF wrestlers) or the adults “the big people” in my life. It seemed like they knew it all, as if they had all the answers to everything I didn’t understand. And I’m sure I annoyed them the same way my sister tends to annoy me with questions. I understand she doesn’t properly understand sarcasm yet so I let her slide.. a lot!

There were days when I didn’t look over my shoulder because I didn’t know I needed to. Everything and everyone was some kind of pure and had good in them according to my logic. Forgiveness was instant. Friendship was forever. Later took forever. Poverty promoted creativity not awareness.  Okay meant now. Mother May I was a game. Water plugs weren’t for fires, but to play in. It was literally “all good”. The good old days I would say. Though those good old days lasted up to about 5 years old… that is when the world got real!

In short, I learned how to keep secrets, how to lie, what rejection felt like, pain, manipulation and a host of other things that I had no idea what to do with. There was all of this new information, all of these new pieces I had no idea as to how to put it together. Naturally confusion became a big part of my world of discovery. Things weren’t as simple anymore and no one told me why. I keep this in mind when I think to myself that a child is asking me a “stupid question” and dismiss my thoughts and try to break down the world to them in a way that they could understand. I reminisce about key points in my life where things got too real for TV (Takesha Victoria that is lol) and I didn’t understand. These things were a little more than an earthquake for me. It made me question who I was and now who I am and why.

“Tired of injustice. Tired of the schemes. The lies are disgusting. So what does it mean? Kicking me down. I got to get up. As jacked as it sounds. The whole system sucks.. -Michael Jackson “Scream”

“Look at me.. you may think you see who I really am, but you’ll never know me.. every day, is as if I play a part.. now I see If I wear a mask I can fool the world, but I can not fool my heart..” -Christina Aguilera “Reflection”

Reality Bites? So here I am wrestling with “who I am“in a lost world. Though I do maintain some fairly solid foundations, there is much building to do. I’m getting the better parts of my child-likeness back. I am regaining my desire to explore, forgive now, being a friend forever (even if it isn’t reciprocal), attempting to grasp fearlessness again even after all I have been through. I refuse to place blame in my past, but learn from what I know and have known.

Circumstances are constantly changing and in many cases they tend to be unfortunate, so I make the best of unpleasant situations and move on. I realize my travels will be great and their isn’t much need for baggage outside of my luggage. I’m determined to make “once upon a time” something to look forward to again instead of it being said with a sigh of loss of what once was. I know that in order for this to happen, I have to constantly stay true to myself regardless of what is going on around me and the pressures of this world.

“..you’re sellin’ out souls, but I care about mine.. ..with such confusion, don’t it make you wanna scream? your bash abusin’ victimize within the scheme..you try to cope with every lie they scrutinize..somebody please have mercy ’cause I just can’t take it, stop pressurin’ me..” -Janet Jackson “Scream”

-Signed, and she lived happily ever after

“..back when ‘I don’t know, maybe‘ was an acceptable answer..”

Advertisements