Posts Tagged ‘ decisions ’

That Was Yesterday

There’s this line from a song by 50 Cent where he says, “if it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have luck” there are many times in my life that I have felt like that was the gist of my world. Why am I saying this? I’m glad you wondered (lol)! I have come to a point in my life where I refuse to dwell on things and especially people that I cannot change. If my power is limited then so is my concern in a sense. By this I mean, I won’t stress myself out over things that are truly out of my hands. All I can be is there at times.

“…I could really use a wish right now…” -B.O.B.

I always loved the quote by Ghandi, “be the change you want to see in the world”. In my experience, those that have taken such a statement and ran with it added a possibly subconscious expectation to Ghandi’s words. Just because you choose to be the change you want to see in the world does not mean that everyone else will. As simple as it sounds, it is a difficult reality for some people to accept. I notice this in every type of relationship. Some people are tick for tack with everything and will not let you forget that you “owe them one”. There’s this episode The Office where Dwight goes out of his way to do favors for people that they didn’t ask for just so that he can say that they owe him one ( <–clip link). Though it was a funny scene, the reality is that there are many than live this way. As I already stated, you can never expect for other people to do what you would have done, how you would have done it or to think as you do. It is unfair, unrealistic, and immature.

“…a friend once said, which I found to be true, that every day people, they lie to God too, so what makes you think that they won’t lie to you?…” -Lauryn Hill

There’s A Difference. At times people will say that they feel unappreciated, which is common. Others will say they have been taken for granted and they might be right. My issue comes in where people say that they have been taken advantage of. I don’t understand how any fully able adult can say that of a person over periods of time and still think they are the victim. I do not throw pity parties. If you choose to allow people to take your kindness for weakness and any of the like, that io\s your own decision. The saying goes “fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me”.

I realize that sometimes people cling to poisonous relationships for multiple reasons and a lot of the time it’s loneliness or they are afraid of losing someone. Though it is surely understandable and I can empathize, however, it is not an excuse. It is a choice and will always be a choice. No matter what, we always have a choice in this life, the options may not be to our liking, but we can always choose something! Consequences may also very.

“It may not be a choice you like, but it is a choice.” -Michelle Pfeiffer, Dangerous Minds

“We must never claim that our relationships with others do not affect us deeply: they do” -Dr. Larry Crabb

At some point, one has to take responsibility for both what and who you allow in your life. You can’t play the victim forever and you can’t live in past glories forever. My old pastor used to give the example of people that maybe won awards or were very successful at some point and how they live in yester-year most likely because they haven’t done anything beyond that one thing since then. That is a sad existence and I wish it on no one.

“…one shot to your heart without breaking your skin, no one can the power to hurt you like you kin/friends…” -India.Arie

I hope that everyone realizes that even though some people may promise you forever, this does not always happen. That can be painful, especially with those closest to you, but it’s a matter of learning how to let go of people who do not want to be kept. That doesn’t mean you can’t care about them anymore. This also doesn’t mean for you to walk through like with a rain cloud over your head and take your frustrations out on those who have done you no harm. There are healthier ways to grieve and let go of a lost relationship. Some things in life you may never get over, but there are ways to manage that as well.

“…in this life we all know that friends may come and they may go, but through it all I know I will stay…” -John Legend

There are three thoughts I hope you take from this: 1) Be mindful of what is actually going on around you before you attempt to play the victim when there are alternatives to your predicament 2) Let your present accomplishments overshadow your past everything 3) Don’t dwell over things you have no control over. It is a given that in life people will hurt us in different ways and a majority of the time it will be those you love the most. I have learned that usually when something bad happens to me (which is more often than not lol), it might get to me at the moment, but typically by the next day (at the latest) I’m fine for the most part. I think to myself, “that was yesterday, I can’t do anything about yesterday”.

“When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. ” -TD Jakes

-Signed, I wish you well

“…when the dark clouds arise, I will stay by your side… I know we’ll be alright… I will stay you…”


I Hope You Dance

The metaphor I am about to present may be a little farfetched, but I ask that you stay with me and hopefully grasp a few points from it. Many of us have heard “everything I needed to know I learned in a shopping mall” or something similar to that. Well, the experience I just had would be “everything I needed to know I learned in the bath tub”, so stay with me, let me explain.

The Literal. I ran a bubble bath to relieve some stress, lit some candles, got my playlist together. I let the water run on really hot because I knew I would take a while getting the perfect playlist together and figured the water would cool down by the time I was ready. When I was finally ready the water was really hot, but I kept putting my foot in every few seconds as if it would change or with the slight hope that maybe I could bare it. I was unsuccessful (lol). So I ran cold water and tried to mix it up. Fail #2. I ran the shower in ice cold water hoping it would even it out and left out for a little while. When I returned the water was still hot.

I had a choice, a few actually. I could hop in that tub and burn, I could wait it out and let it cool off, I could say forget the bath altogether, or I could pull the stopper out and let it get to half full and run some more cold water. I chose the latter which is probably the choice I feared most because the water was so hot. I left for maybe 2 minutes and came back and ALL the water was gone lol. Part of me said to forget the bath after all of this drama. Another part said run another, but the same thing could happen if I’m not monitoring what’s going on. Another part of me said run the bath but sit in the tub this time while the water runs so that you know it’s right. I chose the latter.

The Figurative. I know you’re probably thinking “this girl puts too much thought into her baths” lol and that is and isn’t the case. I thought about all of this once I finally relaxed (lol). Many times in life when it comes to routine things in life it seems as if it is embedded in us to do things the way they have always been done. In some ways it might feel as if things have to be done in that way, so much so subconsciously we may feel as if we have no choice, but we do. We always will have a choice, it may not always be preferable options, but still we have choice nonetheless.

As I sat there I thought. I could’ve quit and decided to just not take my bath considering all the drama I had to go through to get it right, but I was glad that I chose to figure something out because it was well needed and well worth it. Then I took it a little further as far as how I decided to change water temperatures. This is random but I have a point. If I’m already in the tub, I’m not getting up to change the temperature with my hands so I use my foot. I went further and thought, “you know, if I wanted to I could’ve worn a bathing suit in here or even my clothes. It would be strange but I could have if I wanted to”. There are plenty of things I could have brought into this scenario that didn’t make sense, but I could have done it if I wanted to.

“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder… you get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger… may you never take one single breath for granted, God forbid love ever leave you empty handed… I hope you still feel small
when you stand by the ocean… whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens…”

“…promise me you’ll give faith a fighting chance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance… I hope you dance… I hope you dance…”

What’s The Point? Many times in life we may subconsciously or consciously strip ourselves of the power we have over our own lives for various reasons. Also, many times we like to play the blame game as for why we are the way we are, but that can only go so far. At what point do we say, “yeah this or that influenced me, but that isn’t who I want to be anymore, so I won’t”? At what point do we do things that don’t make sense, but do them because we just simply had to and don’t feel the need to have to explain ourselves? Why do we fear being so misunderstood or criticism yet constantly audibly proclaim we don’t care what people think? Who says you have to live this way?

My point and encouragement to everyone and also myself is to follow what you’ve yearned for. Go after what keeps you up at night because you want it that bad. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t understand so how can you expect everyone to always understand? Why constantly feel as if you need them to understand you? Pursue your dreams. Embrace your mistakes. Acknowledge but do not be crippled by your failures. Appreciate those that support you. Refuse to think otherwise about your goals because of those who don’t. Cling to those who love you. Flee from those who mean you harm, but never hate them. Never be the cancer to your own passions. Be unconventional, influential, humble, extraordinary. I hope you dance.

“…I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, never settle for the path of least resistance…”

“…living might mean taking chances, but they’re worth taking… lovin’ might be a mistake, but it’s worth making…”

“…don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter, when you come close to selling out… reconsider… give the heavens above more than just a passing glance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance… I hope you dance…”

-Signed, For me givin’ up’s way harder than tryin’

“…I hope you dance…”

All Falls Down

There was a solid concept for this blog, but even as I write this, I still don’t know what to write. I’ve been thinking about in this short time of being on this earth and the life I have lived so far and how much I have compromised in ways I didn’t even know I did. In the past maybe five years or so, I have led to dramatically different lifestyles, yet behind them both, my mindset remained the same. Many times I’ve asked myself “why am I doing this?” Whether it had to do with morals, personal preference, things I’ve supported or places I went. I’m not sure if I would say I consider myself a people pleaser because I rarely go all in. I guess I would say that there are many times that I’ve done or said things just to alleviate some drama, even if I chose to lie. Though I despise lying with everything in my being, sometimes I get to points of not wanting to hear it that I give someone what they want to hear because in most cases the truth wasn’t good enough.

“…they love it when you smile unaware that it’s a strain…” -Drake

“…so with a painted grin, I’ll play the part again so everyone will see me the way that I see them.. are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeple with walls around our weakness and smiles that hide our pain…” -Casting Crowns

“…I do what I hate like everything’s great, but everything’s not, everything’s incredibly fake.. ..I know I need You, just not sure if I want You, it’s not easy I like this deceit, I like being weak, I’m confused…” -Lano Medina

I’ve noticed some habits I have acquired over the years, especially my coping mechanisms and I have always realized how most of them don’t benefit me, but it is as if I cannot help it. This is what I do, this is what works for me whether it’s temporary or not. I don’t like getting too much advice because most of the time others don’t know what to tell you either and end up giving you well-meant but bad advice which would only add to the already prevalent confusion.

“…whoever spottin’ me is playin’so I’m liftin’ all alone tryin’ not to get a strain…” -Drake

“…she got a black girl name, she livin’ black girl pain… growin up days as a black girl scarred in so many ways though we’ve come so far, they just know the name they don’t know the pain…” -Talib Kweli

“…people say I’ve got my hands in too many things, keeping time with paupers just as well as kings… …here I am, I’m just a fragment of my God, heavenly Father here me, sometimes life gets so hard…” -Teena Marie

I have always been very observant and have always said just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t know. It is a gift and a curse because it seems as though I notice everything, even things I don’t want to know and I realize there are many instances where I’m not supposed to say anything at all or I shouldn’t say it yet. It’s hard for me to watch people live to please the masses, the same masses that will scatter when things go in another direction. It’s a struggle to be the faithful friend/support when those you extend your hand to are pursuing people that are obviously using them and taking them for granted. The thing that alleviates some of my frustration in these situations and humbles me, even, is when I think about how I do the same thing to God many times. Why do we tend to avoid the ones that love us most? I’m trying to learn to be more intentionally appreciative.

“…they’ll hail you then nail you no matter who you are…” -Lauryn Hill

“…feelin’ so distant from everyone I’ve known, to make everybody happy I think I would need a clone…” -Drake

“…and every time I tried to be what someone else thought of me, so caught up, I wasn’t able to achieve…” -Lauryn Hill

…and I made up my mind to define my own destiny…” -Lauryn Hill

“…only when no one is watching can we really fall apart…” -Casting Crowns

Another big compromise that is consistent for many reasons that I am aware of is my many times obvious bad choice in the males I allow in my life. I can notice a red flag from miles away, but like everything else I’m a “chance giver” even to those who obviously don’t deserve on. Another coping mechanism that fuels the endless cycle of fuckery that is in my life. I learn from both my own and others mistakes, so when it comes to me putting myself in foolish situations, I can at least say I make sure it is short-lived because I just refuse to be bothered with it but for so long.

“…I keep letting you back in, how can I explain myself?…” -Lauryn Hill

“in vain you make yourself beautiful. Your lovers despise you; they seek your life.” -Jeremiah 4:30

“…found out the man I’d die for, he wasn’t even concerned…” -Lauryn Hill

“…when am I ever gonna learn that it burns to kiss the sun?…” -Lano

“Lord, I apologize for what I’ve done to You… …every time that I needed You, You’re by my side, every time that You needed me, I ran to hide…” -Rell

I realized in the midst of all the things I don’t understand and am trying to figure out, one thing has remained consistent and that is my faith. This always surprises me because I have tried many of times to convince myself otherwise and it just won’t happen, despite my anger, unanswered questions, disappointments, and the list could go on. When all else fails and when everything is great, I realize that Jesus is all I have whether I like it or not and whether I want it or not. It’s comforting to know this His forever means forever regardless of my thoughts and actions. It’s also comforting to know that no matter what He is the only one that truly knows me despite those that think they can figure me out because of a few facebook statuses (shots fired? maybe, I don’t care).

“…forgive me for my disrespect, forgive me for my lies… …I’m sick of n*ggaz lyin’, sick of b*tches hawkin’ as a matter of fact I’m sick of talkin’…” -Biggie

“…see this song is not about You, because I tried to live without You… …look at my life and how I manage, don’t You see the way I damage You?…” -Rell

-Signed, I Know You Like To Worry, It’d Be Better If You Don’t…

“…because a rose is still a rose… baby girl you’re still a flower… he can leave you and then take you, make you and then break you… darling, you hold the power… …don’t believe that life is over just because your man is gone… without him your life goes on…” -Aretha Franklin

“…single black female addicted to retail and well…”

Lost, But Searching…

The song “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day will always be dear to my heart because I can relate so well. It’s not so much the lonliness addressed in the song but the “lostness”. I will never pretend that I have life figure out, though I will say there is some wisdom instilled in me. I understand that I will never know it all and that is a releif. I once expressed to someone my desire to move out of my city but also acknowledged that I doubt I’d permantly stay wherever I choose to move. The person disagreed completely because of my commitments here. I responded, “How will I know where I belong if I never look for it?” and that was pretty much the end of that conversation.

“I walk a lonely road… the only one that I have ever known… don’t know where it goes, but it’s home to me and I walk alone…” -Green Day

“…Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and it’s gonna take so long for me to get somewhere… …can You send an angel to guide me?…” -Alicia Keys

Don’t get it twisted, I’m no trouble maker, I just will never be the type of person to do something because that’s what everyone else is doing, I will always want to know why. At certain points in life I realize aside from God, I may be the only one looking out for me or have my best interest in mind (sometimes). In realizing this, I try to be careful about who I love. I’m an all or nothing person so once you’re in, it is difficult to let you go. This is true with all of my relationships, this will never be limited to romance, my rationale is, if you can’t be a good friend to me, it will never need to go beyond that point.

“…here I am, I’m just a fragment of my God, heavenly Father hear me, sometimes life gets so hard..” -Teena Marie

“…one shot to your heart without breaking your skin, no one has the power to hurt you like your kin/friends…” -India.Arie

I’m not trying to “fit” anywhere, I just want to know where I belong. I don’t want anything that isn’t mine. I don’t want to be one of those people that are merely existing, I want to really live every day despite circumstances. I know that God has put me through a lot for good reason and has equipped me to be strong enough to handle it, though it is a struggle to be strong so often. I will never settle for an ordinary life, I bore easily and am easily distracted, yet faithful. I am always trying to see what is new and interesting, yet loyal. At this point in my life all I have is my character and that’s still developing. I realize there are many roads and that I don’t have to choose only one, I can try one and maybe it’s no good for me and I can go another way. I refuse to be boxed, refuse to be silenced, and refuse to settle, I will continually pursue the beautiful wherever and whatever it is.

“…she lives in a mindset you could never move to… …throw your ones up in the air for ‘her’…” -Drake

“…I drove by the fork in the road and went straight…” -Jay-Z

“…please don’t ask me where I’m going… ’cause I don’t know… anymore…” -Corinne Bailey Rae

-Signed, I dont want to be famous, I just want to be great

“…he’s there for you when he shouldn’t be, but he stays all the same, waits for you and then sees you through… there’s no way I could describe him… all I say is, just what I’m hoping for… but I will find him sittin’ on my doorstep… waiting for the surprise… it will feel like he’s been there for hours and I can tell he’ll be there for life…”

The Funny Thing About Rain

Life changes like the weather. It can be random, possibly predicted, and occasionally be in your favor. We can plan, plan, plan, but we don’t ultimately get to tell “life” what to do. It is true we can control ourselves and oversee certain situations, but there are many things that come our way that we have no power over, we can only control how we respond to it.

Cloudy, With a Chance of Meatballs Rain. As I said already, life changes like the weather, but not all of us get the same type of weather, even if we are side by side. Rain is usually used to describe the hard times in life, the storms. I had a pastor say years ago that you are always at one of three points in life: 1) about to head into a storm 2) in a storm 3) just getting out of a storm. I guess there is truth to that, I don’t disagree, but I’m also not totally sure, so I guess (lol).

I realize storms are usually looked at in a negative light, which is understandable because  it sucks when bad things happen. I also realize that we need rain, and we also need the rain in our lives, the pain and hardships. I don’t want to go into the cliches we are all aware of when it comes to hard times. Yes, I know “joy and pain go together like sunshine and rain,” I love that song, but it’s saying those things at the wrong time that can ignite a fire in people (personally speaking).

In my experience, the worst things that have happened to me have made me stronger. The things that have brought me to the lowest points of my life and made me wonder was all this suffering worth it. Why? Mainly, because I survived and it was worth it, even when I thought it would never end. I learned to endure when there didn’t seem to be any light in darkness. Storms are not easy, but necessary. I know that some of the rainy days of my life were self-induced. I learned from those as well. I know that I am young. I also know that I don’t want to be afraid to screw up, but this doesn’t mean that I want to live recklessly either. I am still looking for that balance. I may be searching for that balance for a while.

“..if I begged and if I cried, would it change the sky tonight? would it give me some light?..” – Beyonce

“..I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.. but once again, I say amen and it’s still raining.. – Casting Crowns

Living a life of no regrets is, of course, easier said than done. I look at my past and know that it is anything but pretty, but then I look at me today. If that was what it took for me to get to the road I am at, then as I grit my teeth, I would do it all over again, if necessary. I have learned that misery doesn’t necessarily always love company. In my experience, when I get to those points I prefer to be alone to get a chance to think and regroup.

“..when I’m lost in the rain.. in your eyes, I know I’ll find the light to light my way.. – Christina Aguilera

Cheap Umbrellas. There are also times when we don’t have to walk alone. These are usually the times when we find out who is really here for us (*Ray J voice* lol), but seriously, this is when you weed out the posers. I am certain that I am not the first, last or 15th (random number) person who was told from different individuals at some point in some way that they would be there for you no matter what. I also am certain that I am not alone in noticing that some of those same people were the first to disappear when it began to drizzle. Those moments impact us and if you are saying they don’t, you have proven my point.

“..on a perfect day, I know that I can count on you.. when that’s not possible, tell me can you weather a storm?..” – New Edition

I read in this book by Dr. Larry Crabb about relationships and he said, “we must never claim that our relationships with others do not affect us deeply: they do.” Just because something doesn’t have a major impact on you doesn’t mean it didn’t do anything to you at all. These disappointments should give you wisdom as to how you evaluate your relationships, that would be my hope, unless you are interested in unhealthy cycles. When you begin to allow people to show you who they are, it lightens the load a lot. Personally, I experience this a lot when I meet new people (particularly males, but I digress lol), but male or female, it happens! Notice our circles flourish when it’s all good, but my how the crowd scatters when the climate is altered. Lest we forget, in the words of New Edition (lol), “..sunny days, everybody loves them.. can you stand the rain?..” This may be a rhetorical question, a rare few would say “no.”

“..when the sun shines, we’ll shine together.. told you I’ll be here forever, said I’ll always be a friend.. took an oath Imma stick it out till the end.. now that it’s raining more than ever, know that we’ll still have each other.. you can stand under my umbrella..” – Rihanna

Don’t get me wrong, there are also in existence the “ridaz” (slang explanation: people that will be by your side no matter what lol). Though they are few and sometimes far between, these are the ones you truly appreciate. This is the way life works, never has anything that is too big been totally loyal, not necessarily saying it’s 100% loyalty in small circles either. Anyways! We luck out and get these people in our lives that will not only be with you through all your drama, attitudes, and storms, but not care if you all have an umbrella. They just want to be where they said they would be, and that place is there.. for you! I can only speak for myself, but apart from God, those people in my life helped me learn what it means to cherish something. The only way to really have a good friendship is to also be a good friend. One must also be mindful as to personal ‘operations’ in dealing with people and maintain your own character. Many of us are known for seeking out qualities that we do not possess, let’s not do that!

5-Day Forecast? We are an instantaneous generation. We want everything right now! The idea of waiting 30 seconds for certain things might make us want to burst into flames. Am I over-exaggerating? Maybe, but how often have you waited 30 seconds for a website to upload, a channel to change, or have been on hold on a phone call. We want to know everything now. Waiting, is unfortunately becoming archaic. This mindset is becoming how we expect life to work. We need detailed predictions that are accurate, at least almost always. Just typing about this is pathetic lol.

Call me old-fashioned, but I like the anxiety of waiting and not knowing most times, especially when it comes to a love interest, ha ha. I love the nervousness and weird insecurity it brings because it is that exciting. Believe it or not, I somewhat feel this way about my storms. They aren’t bad every day, because I don’t allow it. Just as the saying is, “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade,” well, I say, “when life give you rain.. learn to play in it sometimes and grow!”

For those that know me, know that I am a big movie buff. I don’t watch television from the same perspective as everyone else. I try to understand the characters, the purpose of the script, etc. I always love pulling out quotes that are applicable. I don’t remember how it was said exactly, but in the movie “Troy”, Brad Pitt’s character says something about how the gods were jealous of humans, because we don’t know our fate and that it was more beautiful that way. I agree. For me, the uncertainty of life excites me, even when it hurts. In this way, I feel as though I truly live! Imagine how Noah felt when he saw rain for the first time.. one word: wow!

“..and I’ll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands, for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I’ve cried, You hold in your hand.. You never left my side and though my heart is torn.. I will praise You in this storm..” – Casting Crowns

And remember.. after the rain, the sun shines and the rainbows come (the reminder of the Promise), but through the storm, the Son shines.. be encouraged!

-Signed, No Matter the Weather

“..I was alone, but You found me where I was hiding.. my love I’ve never left your side, I have seen you through the darkest nights, and I’m the One that’s loved you all your life..– Meredith Andrews

“..what you want might make you cry, what you need might pass you by if you don’t catch it.. when it hurts so bad, why does it feel so good?..” – Lauryn Hill

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, one of the most important questions in my world was: Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? Once upon a time, to start a story this way brought excitement, a good type of anxiety. Where is this going? Where is this coming from? I’m glad you wondered! We all have those moments when we stop and think “when did it all change and life get so complicated?” I was babysitting my 6 year old sister a few days ago and watching her partially inspired this topic, but not only her, but children and their mentality in general.

Fantasy Land? My sister and I were walking down the street and there was snow out (we had somewhat of a blizzard recently). She was singing and hopping around in the snow, in her own little world. I thought to myself how some parents would have probably told her to cut it out before she falls or gets dirty or something, but when I watch her I tend to let her wonder and wander. I understand that she is a child and that is just what they do, even if it’s annoying to me, I won’t rob her of those moments (at least I try not to).

As all these thoughts flowed through my mind, I almost instantly began to compare our worlds. She doesn’t have a worry or care in the world because she trusts those around her to protect, provide, and help her if she needed. She knows her limits will be given to her if need be, so her plans aren’t much until those limits are close.  It made me think, “when did it all change?” For example,  if she fell, she probably wouldn’t care, but would just get up and brush herself off. She hasn’t properly met embarrassment yet. Whereas an adult would wonder who saw that. I realize children tend to be fearless, because they don’t understand the world yet and how it works.

“Dreams used to be shared with any who would listen, now they are kept close by or else they might be murdered by the dream killers, also known as the hopeless” -TV

I remember when I thought my part of the city was all there was to the world. I remember being maybe 3 or 4 years old thinking that 52nd Street (in West Philadelphia) was the most crowded and busiest place ever! Everything and everyone seemed so big and fascinating! I remember having heroes, whether it was on television (Power Rangers, Lamp Chop, or my favorite WWF wrestlers) or the adults “the big people” in my life. It seemed like they knew it all, as if they had all the answers to everything I didn’t understand. And I’m sure I annoyed them the same way my sister tends to annoy me with questions. I understand she doesn’t properly understand sarcasm yet so I let her slide.. a lot!

There were days when I didn’t look over my shoulder because I didn’t know I needed to. Everything and everyone was some kind of pure and had good in them according to my logic. Forgiveness was instant. Friendship was forever. Later took forever. Poverty promoted creativity not awareness.  Okay meant now. Mother May I was a game. Water plugs weren’t for fires, but to play in. It was literally “all good”. The good old days I would say. Though those good old days lasted up to about 5 years old… that is when the world got real!

In short, I learned how to keep secrets, how to lie, what rejection felt like, pain, manipulation and a host of other things that I had no idea what to do with. There was all of this new information, all of these new pieces I had no idea as to how to put it together. Naturally confusion became a big part of my world of discovery. Things weren’t as simple anymore and no one told me why. I keep this in mind when I think to myself that a child is asking me a “stupid question” and dismiss my thoughts and try to break down the world to them in a way that they could understand. I reminisce about key points in my life where things got too real for TV (Takesha Victoria that is lol) and I didn’t understand. These things were a little more than an earthquake for me. It made me question who I was and now who I am and why.

“Tired of injustice. Tired of the schemes. The lies are disgusting. So what does it mean? Kicking me down. I got to get up. As jacked as it sounds. The whole system sucks.. -Michael Jackson “Scream”

“Look at me.. you may think you see who I really am, but you’ll never know me.. every day, is as if I play a part.. now I see If I wear a mask I can fool the world, but I can not fool my heart..” -Christina Aguilera “Reflection”

Reality Bites? So here I am wrestling with “who I am“in a lost world. Though I do maintain some fairly solid foundations, there is much building to do. I’m getting the better parts of my child-likeness back. I am regaining my desire to explore, forgive now, being a friend forever (even if it isn’t reciprocal), attempting to grasp fearlessness again even after all I have been through. I refuse to place blame in my past, but learn from what I know and have known.

Circumstances are constantly changing and in many cases they tend to be unfortunate, so I make the best of unpleasant situations and move on. I realize my travels will be great and their isn’t much need for baggage outside of my luggage. I’m determined to make “once upon a time” something to look forward to again instead of it being said with a sigh of loss of what once was. I know that in order for this to happen, I have to constantly stay true to myself regardless of what is going on around me and the pressures of this world.

“’re sellin’ out souls, but I care about mine.. ..with such confusion, don’t it make you wanna scream? your bash abusin’ victimize within the try to cope with every lie they scrutinize..somebody please have mercy ’cause I just can’t take it, stop pressurin’ me..” -Janet Jackson “Scream”

-Signed, and she lived happily ever after

“..back when ‘I don’t know, maybe‘ was an acceptable answer..”

Let’s Be Real

I’m sickly at the moment and in addition to this I realize I am rather emotional/moody. A lot of raw emotions are here and I figured I would vent about things I know that many feel, but may not necessarily say. What sparked this fire? Well, when I talk to somebody I tend to save messages, but never really look at them again, usually I realize I still have them when that person is no longer in my life.. aka bad time to look over old messages.

The ones I saw tonight made my heart heavy, because as always, it started out great (the relationship that is). Yeah, I know I’m not interested in love, but I thought in this case a friendship was a possibility, but everything changed and as usual, I backed off, because that’s what I do. I don’t “sweat” people. I don’t pressure people to hit me up or to be in my life. I don’t want anyone around that doesn’t want to be around. It’s a tough rule to uphold sometimes, especially if I don’t agree with the person’s decision to leave, but what can ya do? Lol, stalker isn’t my twist at all and won’t be! So I let go who wants to be let go, keeping in mind I had a life before, during and after them… male or female.. I’m talking about general relationships here, nothing “deep.” I won’t front, I did like that one, but I guess “it is what it is” and I will just leave it that way.

I refuse to put myself on the frontline for something I didn’t want to “go” anywhere anyhow. I just value real friendships and thought that one might’ve lasted a lot longer than it did, but such as life (I guess). That bridge is apparently burned (I guess). I just can’t bring myself to erase the messages.. well at least not yet. Ladies, I know y’all understand how I feel. When you first meet somebody and there is a vibe (finally!) and then after a while they fade (like the rest of them), but you didn’t want that one to fade, but you can’t make them stay. It sucks, that is all I’m really trying to say. Maybe these ((cramps)) are talkin, but that is just how I feel right now. Tomorrow may be different or maybe it won’t.

“..maybe it’s me, maybe I bore you.. a no-no, it’s my fault, cuz I can’t afford you..” -John Legend

“..I just wonder, do you ever think of me anymore.. do you?..” -Ne-Yo

“..I know we haven’t spoken for a while, but I thought about ya and it kinda made me smile.. ..I’ve tried & I’ve tried to get you out my mind, but it don’t get no better as each day goes by.. you know I kept all of your pictures? haven’t had the heart to part with them yet.. tried to erase the way your kisses taste, but some things a girl can never forget..” -Rihanna

Signed, I Used to Love H.I.M

“..I was just waiting for your phone call, when they came along to say that a rose done chased you clear away.. broke my choux pastry heart.. ..don’t wanna lose ya, don’t even own ya.. I just wanna stay right here until never dawns, yeah..” -Corinne Bailey Rae

“ used to feel like heaven, it used to feel like May.. ..nobody wants to face the truth, but you won’t believe what love can do til it happens to u..” -Corinne Bailey Rae