Mama’s Boyfriend

“You know it makes me unhappy, when brothas make babies and leave a young mother to be a pappy” -Tupac

Single mothers have become the norm for many of us. The reason and responsibility of this reality is not solely on one person. There are many children that grow up with people coming in and out of their lives as if there is a revolving door. If we fast forward to young adulthood from this sort of upbringing and (possible) instability we see the scars that will have broken or made these once innocent kids. Let me make the following clear before I go on: Not all experiences with step parents are negative. Not everyone that has had a bad experience with step parents continue the unfortunate cycle. What I am about to address is not limited to step fathers.

Mommy, Where Daddy Went? Some people have never met their fathers, others can count on their hands how many run-ins they’ve had with pop, and still others could say he was “around” as in knowing who he was. There are many mothers that have those heartbreaking conversations with their children trying to explain the absence of their father, attempting to make excuses for his excuses, doing their best to fill his shoes, but no matter what mom says, nothing takes away the question of “why didn’t he want me? why doesn’t he love me?” Some moms look at this as more reason to hurry in a male figure to try to fill a void that is already permanent unbeknown to mom.

“Look what was handed us. Fathers abandoned us… …Sometimes I feel no one in this world understands us” -Kanye West

Who’s That? In some situations, some of you can remember as a child that some guy kinda popped up and suddenly lived in your house and you can’t sleep in mom’s room anymore. Or for others, maybe this occurred on multiple occasions and you received no warning, explanation or support concerning mom’s decision. Maybe you were too young to understand so you didn’t understand the change in the current. Maybe it made you angry. Maybe you wanted things back to what they once were, because your world just got rocked and you’re wondering in your young mind “who’s that?”

Trust Factor. In some cases, some people get tired of their singleness and meet someone rather sporadically and they become daddy (or mommy). Suddenly a child is left alone with a stranger regularly. Another concern that comes along with these situations is that there are a lot of perverts in this world. There are many women and also men that can remember being violated in their childhood by someone that they were introduced to by someone they trusted.

Under the Influence. Children are like sponges, they absorb their surroundings. If children see fighting, violence, instability, addiction, and so on, that impacts them for life. The mentalities gained here could be used for betterment or a continuance of an unhealthy cycle. There is good reason for there to be two parents in a child’s life, because regardless of how much love a mother has in her heart, she could never teach her son to be a man, and to have another man that is just simply “around” doesn’t help much either. In some cases, boys grow up either hating or disrespecting women because of what they saw or were/weren’t taught. There are young girls giving their bodies and hearts to anyone that would take them because “daddy” wasn’t there to assure them of their worth in the way that only a father could.

“I remember being kicked out the house cuz I looked just like you… Said I’d be nothing but a crook just like you” -Beanie Sigel

It is understandable for a parent to desire companionship. It’s natural. It’s human. But there are others to take into consideration other than self when children are involved. Your children didn’t ask to be here and it’s not their fault nor their responsibility in regards to the circumstances you may be under. It is not their job to raise themselves either. Some parents do not consider the impact (or the dangers) of bringing a new significant (or insignificant) other into their child’s life for the sake of loneliness. Every relationship has risks, but I implore all (single) parents to really take into account who they bring into their children’s worlds.

-Signed, Cycle Ends Here

“You ain’t interested in me, you just trynna f*ck my mom” -Kanye West

“But you left me, now I’m goin to court just like you. I would say “my daddy loves me and he’ll never go away”. Bullsh*t, do you even remember December’s my birthday? Do you even remember the tender boy you turned into a cold young man?” -Jay-Z



Maybe it’s just me, but I used to think that without question that the three toughest words to say to another person was “I love you”. Maybe it’s just my personal experience. Lately it seems as if those three words have a close runner up as far as words that are tough to say in my world. I thought about this more as I watched one of my favorite movies, “Hitch” starring Will Smith. There are several powerful statements and points made in that movie and what I am about to discuss. First check out the clip from the movie that sparked this topic below.

(Start at 2:33 to 3:00)

Why does it seem so difficult to say “I like you” and mean it or to say it and the other person believe you and that’s it. There’s always this assumption of some sort of underlying meaning, hidden agenda, or the thought that it’s pure bs. Sometimes I just genuinely enjoy someone’s company, but if I say that it is usually taken a different way than I intended it. I try to be straight-forward by saying what I mean and meaning what I say because I don’t like to be confused so I try not to confuse others. It’s weird though, because if I tell someone I like them, it’s taken to “she wants a relationship” or the other extreme, which I call the Super Bad Complex, “oh she wants to put her mouth on or around my dick” (lol but seriously), when I only mean the three words I said.

“…yes, you can hold my hand if you want to, cuz I want to hold yours too” -Fergie

I notice that I can fall in and out of like every other week, so I don’t see it as a big deal, but it seems to be taken as one. It’s to the point that I think I shouldn’t say it anymore. Am I looking into it too deeply? Is this a realistic assessment? Is it just me? I have no idea. It’s interesting to say the least. Why can’t two people enjoy one another’s company and it be as simple as the time spent? When did it all get so complicated since the elementary days?

“…A boyfriend ain’t what I want… Now we can kick it baby, just like the way we’ve been… I just need to be free, don’t need you to rescue me…” -Vivian Green

-Signed, Check: Yes, No or Maybe

“…cuz I like it, but I don’t need it… I don’t wanna be your girl friend…” -Vivian Green

I’m Writing… Because…

I’d like to share some thoughts and letters that I believe are relevant to everyone in a way and also personal to me. This is a little unorthodox in comparison to my other writings, but I’m an unorthodox individual so I guess it fits. So I write…

Dear Karma,
I’m writing you this because everyone says you’re a bitch, but just like the days when I worked in retail and had tough customers, I realize that you are simply doing your job. I understand.

Dear Hype,
I’m writing you because I think we need to end this. It’s not me, it’s you. I don’t need to be caught up in you and the facades associated with you. It’s nothing personal. Maybe it is.

Dear Thrill,
I’m writing you this because I seek you often; you fascinate me.

Dear Hollywood,
I’m writing you this because you make life come alive or at least I thought so. I used to think everything was perfect some place on this earth and that I was inadequate to fit in such a world because I didn’t look like you.

Dear God,
I’m writing You this because I need to and most importantly I need You. It doesn’t even seem fit to call You Daddy anymore these days because things have changed between You and I. I used to “bring You more than a song”, we used to kick it, I used to tell You everything, but I made some choices that shifted that. I traded Your beauty for rags, made my prodigal child return and took flight again.

This world puts You in this box of being this convenient, understanding and no discipline god or so formal that no one ever really knows You. You are my constant reminder of humility when I get beside myself in cockiness and I look at how I treat You and see that I ain’t shit. In the midst of trying to find balance in between “religion” and rebellion I am at a crossroads, fork in the road, limbo.

It’s crazy to claim to love someone so much, but hurt them so often. Everything I claim to hate in others are the things I do to You: lie, leave, cheat, inconsistency, drama, distant, always sorry but never really changing, etc. At times, I find myself looking for everything in others what can only be found in You. I know this, I knew this, yet I continue to do it. A part of me wishes things went back to what they are. A part of me sees that this is merely a season and something good is going to come out of this point in my life. It’s good to know that no matter what, I’m Yours, I can cry to You, shout, scream, vent, be truly naked, be me around You. Your love will endure forever. You never leave. You are my only guarantee. I don’t know how to end this because it’ll never really be finished. I guess I could say I’m grateful for Your grace. I surely don’t get what I deserve.

-Signed, Me

“…Since my date of birth, I bought you nothing but hurt…” -Jay-Z
“…I told God I’d be back in a second, man it’s so hard not to act reckless…” -Kanye West
“…I’ve come undone, but You make sense of who I am…” -Red
“…tell Him I love Him… tell Him I need Him…” – Lauryn Hill
“..You search much deeper within, through the way things appear… You’re looking into my heart…….I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it when it’s all about You…” -Matt Redman
“….are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples with walls around our weakness and smiles that hide our pain… …the performance is convincing, we know every line by heart, only when no one is watching can we really fall apart…” -Casting Crowns
“…I’m a puzzle, yes indeed, ever complex in every way… …I don’t know why You love me and that’s why I love You…” -Beyonce
“..You’re my only reason, You’re my only truth… I need You like water, like breathe, like rain… I need You like mercy from heaven’s gate…” -LeAnn Rimes

“…dear lie, you suck…” -TLC

So They Cheated On You…

Everybody hates being lied to, yet everybody lies. The funny thing is we tend to do most of the lying to ourselves and for some, it only seems to worsen with age. Sometimes children seem harsh with their (unknown to themselves) honesty when they point out things in life. For example, when you’re embarrassed that your child yells out that a stranger has on a bad wig and you likely immediately apologize on their behalf. It’s a “White Chicks” (the movie) moment, they said it but you were thinking it. So here you are in your next relationship and they have all cheated and what do you do? The emphasis is usually placed on the cheater, but let’s look at the other side this time. Do you act as if you don’t know? Stay? Snap? Get Revenge? Try to work it out? Get bitter? What do you do?

“What if I broke our monogamous agreement? What if I told you I lied, but didn’t mean it? What if my one mistake had the potential to break up our happy home, would you want to know?” -Lyfe Jennings

Everyone wants to get that “oh how could someone do that to you” response when talking about their ex and how they cheated. That’s all well and good, but what was your part in it? In no way do I condone cheating at all, but also in no way can I prevent it. You could be doing everything “right” and still get cheated on. The question is why? The answers vary. People look at celebs and wonder how could so-and-so cheat on her when she’s so beautiful? First off, that could have nothing to do with it, second you don’t know them, and third mind your own and tend to your own business or lack thereof.The next question is one that you should have considered when you went into this relationship and that is “am I willing to try to make this work to the best of my ability?” In no way am I giving out a “get out of being caught cheating free card” but as an adult you have to learn to go through some tough things to make something that you deem as worthy to work.

“If your heart isn’t in it, oh can’t you tell me so?” -Atlantic Starr

People belittle their worth when desperation sets in and wonder later on how they wound up hating what they had started. If you notice the same patterns in all of your relationships maybe it’s time to look in the mirror truly naked and take off your excuses. Grow up. I do not baby adults so either you choose to get your sh*t together or go home to your mama. I’m not saying this to be harsh, but you cannot expect people to hold your hand forever or always arrive first to your pity party. Take charge of your life and accept responsibility for your choices. Relationships have the ability to endure as much as the parties involved are willing to let it. I can empathize with the hurt of being cheating on, but I will never sulk over it. Live Forward.

“…I know she was attractive, but I was here first…” -Beyonce

-Signed, Choose Wisely

…What if I had a thing on the side? Made ya cry? Would the rules change up or would they still apply?… -Ciara

…but you’re just a boy and you understand… -Beyonce

Body Chemistry

Close your eyes for a moment and think about what you want then think about what you get. Close your eyes again and reflect on what you do and what you do not do. Though this could be applicable in other ways, apply these thoughts to your sex life. First, what’s right with it? What’s wrong with it? The answer to both questions are technically ‘you’ for the most part. Though sex is a topic I tend to shy away from, not because I’m uncomfortable discussing it, that is nowhere near the case, I just feel it’s not everybody’s business and I have every right to withhold what I will. However, I decided to venture into a topic that consumes a vast majority of my thoughts. I’m sure I don’t stand alone. Sex is no secret and we all didn’t arrive into this world by osmosis, so here we are and here we go!

“Shawty rainin’ wet up in my ear talkin’ ’bout ‘I got what you came for, this here got your name on it'” -Usher

“If I was your woman, the things I’d do to you, but I’m not so I can’t and I won’t… if I was your girl” -Janet Jackson

WANTS: Eyes Want VS Mind wants VS Heart wants VS Body wants. I’ve realized there are several levels to attraction and attractiveness. I also noticed that sometimes, (often times) these attractions do not always agree and despite wants, it is what it is. You’ve heard people say “the heart wants what it wants” well when it comes to sexual attraction I see the same. You can have someone aesthetically pleasing to your eyes, but not feel their personality and all other sorts of combinations. Sometimes you could be physically attracted to someone, but your body isn’t “feelin’ them” the way you think it should. You could be into one person, but your body dries up like a sponge out of water or the opposite. Though it’s frustrating, if that interest is truly there, it can be worked with.

“Giving you the rest of my love, but what if I tell you too much… …can you handle it if I go there baby with you?” -Usher

“I wanna put my fingers thru your hair/Wrap me up in your legs and love you till your eyes roll back/I’m tryin to put you to bed/Then Imma rock your body, turn you over, love is war/I’m your soldier/Touching you like it’s our first time” -J. Holiday

Casual Sex Pros & Woes. We live in a generation where casual sex is common. Though I’m not a fan of it for some reasons that I’ll allude to, I also see that sometimes in certain situations, it is what it is. However, when you put yourself in these predicaments you have to consider your wants. If all you want is a nut, then that isn’t a difficult desire to fulfill, but if you seek great fulfilling sex, there are some things that need to be there and body chemistry is one of them. Just like dancing, it can mess up the flow of things if you’re going one way and your partner is going another. Learning each other’s bodies, rhythms, wants, interests and so on are vital. If you’re wild and passionate, then one round won’t do it and to deal with someone that’s “one and done” then knocked out asleep can be frustrating. In my experience, if I’m not feeling the situation, it’s almost as if I’ve forgotten all I know and just want to get it over with (unfortunately), but I’m in the process of stopping that foolishness. Ladies, I know you can understand where I’m coming from when you don’t want to bruise a man’s ego, so sometimes you say or possibly do things you don’t really mean. This is my weakness when it comes to lying, especially since I hate lying even about the most seemingly minute things. It happens to the best of us right? Eh… anyways!

“Don’t you be afraid to let me elevate you/welcome you to super duper Jupiter love” -Trey Songs

I can only speak for myself, but it’s nothing worse than being down for whatever when you do choose someone to deal with and find out they’re a prude or it’s wack. The disadvantage is that you don’t know until you know, and especially with women, some of us try to keep that body count number low. Guys run game on what they can and will do and then a song interlude later you find him asleep and you’re like WTF?! Some guys think that because they’re “blessed” size-wise that they can’t have bad sex. Wrong! We can just call that a painful mess (lol). As for females, they can think that because they have a nice body and they’re vagina is tight that they are in the clear, you can still be wack. Laying around like you’re in a coma with the phony moans and groans are a waste of both parties’ time.

“Can’t nobody do it like us/can’t nobody mix, chop, and screw it like us/all over the living room hittin’ it like us/in the middle of the night wake up the building like us” -R.Kelly

Taking Center Stage. With great, fun, passionate sex, confidence is key, even if you don’t know what you’re doing, you just need to learn to fake it til you make it. No, I don’t mean fake orgasms or tell somebody they’re the best you ever had. But sometimes you just have to take a chance and go for it. It’s like acting, you may have stage fright or nerves, but it is something about hitting that stage that can make a person come to life in such a way that would convince an “audience” that they’re a pro. It’s all a matter of your will and if you’re willing to go there then I’m sure there will be encores. There’s an art to sex and oral sex and any true artist is always seeking to perfect their craft.

“I try to be lady-like, but I got you here tonight/but something happens when we slow dance” -Keri Hilson

“A kiss on my lips, a hand in my hair, a body to keep me warm while I’m sittin’ in his chair/Her voice is sayin’ no I don’t want you to go/I don’t want you to leave/a chest to lay my head/your leg between my legs, a whisper in your ear sayin’ ooh baby right there” -Letoya Luckett

A person who can work their tongue in such a way that you have to occasionally stop them because you think you can’t take it is a speechless experience. Being on the same page with a person to the point that you can’t get enough, remarkable! You might accidentally break things, lose buttons, pop bra straps, get rug burns, biting, scratching, hair pulling, dehydration, and maybe even notice some slight bruises later on, but hey, if you’re into that kinda thing then it’s a small price to pay. Not everyone experiences great sex and even if you’re the thrill-seeker type, you won’t experience that with every partner you have. Not everyone is willing to be creative or take risks. Even if it’s a casual thing, I find it to be beneficial to know if you’re on the same page. Some people are walking mannequins and you feel scammed to find out it wasn’t hittin’ for what you had hoped, but it happens to the best of us.

“They might think my name is ‘oh shit’ I make her cuss” -Trey Songz

“The greatest you/the greatest me/we have found the greatest chemistry” -R. Kelly

As a sexual being, it’s your responsibility to learn and know what you need, want, like and don’t like. You have to speak up for yourself and communicate that to your partner. I say don’t be afraid to role play, dress up, be a little more than unconventional despite your mood, location or schedule. Being open-minded (I believe) is beneficial to all involved, but that’s just my standpoint! 😉

“In the thundering rain you stare into my eyes/I can feel your hand moving up my thighs/skirt around my waist, wall against my face/I can feel your lips/I don’t wanna stop just because people walkin’ by watchin us/I don’t give a damn what they think/I want you now” -Janet Jackson

“You screamin’ out ‘have me’, I’m whispering ‘gladly’, I wanna make you feel me baby like you never had me/You done felt good, Imma make you feel better/You done been wet, Imma make you get wetter” -Sammie

-Signed, Can U Handle It?

“give it to me deeper… givin’ me a fever”

“just watch how your body shakes, don’t stop it just let it shake, I’ll control your body tonight”

That Was Yesterday

There’s this line from a song by 50 Cent where he says, “if it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have luck” there are many times in my life that I have felt like that was the gist of my world. Why am I saying this? I’m glad you wondered (lol)! I have come to a point in my life where I refuse to dwell on things and especially people that I cannot change. If my power is limited then so is my concern in a sense. By this I mean, I won’t stress myself out over things that are truly out of my hands. All I can be is there at times.

“…I could really use a wish right now…” -B.O.B.

I always loved the quote by Ghandi, “be the change you want to see in the world”. In my experience, those that have taken such a statement and ran with it added a possibly subconscious expectation to Ghandi’s words. Just because you choose to be the change you want to see in the world does not mean that everyone else will. As simple as it sounds, it is a difficult reality for some people to accept. I notice this in every type of relationship. Some people are tick for tack with everything and will not let you forget that you “owe them one”. There’s this episode The Office where Dwight goes out of his way to do favors for people that they didn’t ask for just so that he can say that they owe him one ( <–clip link). Though it was a funny scene, the reality is that there are many than live this way. As I already stated, you can never expect for other people to do what you would have done, how you would have done it or to think as you do. It is unfair, unrealistic, and immature.

“…a friend once said, which I found to be true, that every day people, they lie to God too, so what makes you think that they won’t lie to you?…” -Lauryn Hill

There’s A Difference. At times people will say that they feel unappreciated, which is common. Others will say they have been taken for granted and they might be right. My issue comes in where people say that they have been taken advantage of. I don’t understand how any fully able adult can say that of a person over periods of time and still think they are the victim. I do not throw pity parties. If you choose to allow people to take your kindness for weakness and any of the like, that io\s your own decision. The saying goes “fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me”.

I realize that sometimes people cling to poisonous relationships for multiple reasons and a lot of the time it’s loneliness or they are afraid of losing someone. Though it is surely understandable and I can empathize, however, it is not an excuse. It is a choice and will always be a choice. No matter what, we always have a choice in this life, the options may not be to our liking, but we can always choose something! Consequences may also very.

“It may not be a choice you like, but it is a choice.” -Michelle Pfeiffer, Dangerous Minds

“We must never claim that our relationships with others do not affect us deeply: they do” -Dr. Larry Crabb

At some point, one has to take responsibility for both what and who you allow in your life. You can’t play the victim forever and you can’t live in past glories forever. My old pastor used to give the example of people that maybe won awards or were very successful at some point and how they live in yester-year most likely because they haven’t done anything beyond that one thing since then. That is a sad existence and I wish it on no one.

“…one shot to your heart without breaking your skin, no one can the power to hurt you like you kin/friends…” -India.Arie

I hope that everyone realizes that even though some people may promise you forever, this does not always happen. That can be painful, especially with those closest to you, but it’s a matter of learning how to let go of people who do not want to be kept. That doesn’t mean you can’t care about them anymore. This also doesn’t mean for you to walk through like with a rain cloud over your head and take your frustrations out on those who have done you no harm. There are healthier ways to grieve and let go of a lost relationship. Some things in life you may never get over, but there are ways to manage that as well.

“…in this life we all know that friends may come and they may go, but through it all I know I will stay…” -John Legend

There are three thoughts I hope you take from this: 1) Be mindful of what is actually going on around you before you attempt to play the victim when there are alternatives to your predicament 2) Let your present accomplishments overshadow your past everything 3) Don’t dwell over things you have no control over. It is a given that in life people will hurt us in different ways and a majority of the time it will be those you love the most. I have learned that usually when something bad happens to me (which is more often than not lol), it might get to me at the moment, but typically by the next day (at the latest) I’m fine for the most part. I think to myself, “that was yesterday, I can’t do anything about yesterday”.

“When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. ” -TD Jakes

-Signed, I wish you well

“…when the dark clouds arise, I will stay by your side… I know we’ll be alright… I will stay you…”

When I’m Gone

I lost a cousin around this time last year and I decided to read her facebook wall as I tend to do occasionally. We weren’t close, but that was still my fam so that doesn’t matter. Though I know she will never access that account again, I just cannot delete her off. As I read I saw messages other family members and her friends still write on her wall. Though they know she’s gone they still write her. I admire the idea of it and still accept the reality. It really made me think.

“…how long will they mourn me…” -Tupac

I try to remain optimistic about life, but I try to stay away from being idealistic. I have the strangest thoughts at times. A recurring one is: What if something happened to me? Who would know? If I were in the hospital, who would call, visit, be around? I consider those around me now and then I consider those who I’d honestly think would make that effort and the numbers change drastically. It’s an eerie feeling and it actually stings a little bit.

“…So hold me when I’m here, right me when I’m wrong…. Hold me when I’m scared and love me when I’m gone… Everything I am and everything in me wants to be the one you wanted me to be…” -3 Doors Down

I try to be mindful, grateful, and loyal to those I should appreciate and yet show love to everyone. It’s strange. It is as if it isn’t that I feel the necessity of the involvement or presence of those that are flaky, but I guess I get in a “why don’t you love me” Beyonce kinda mode like “what’s not to love?” (lol). Though I smirk as I write this, it’s an honest thought that I have. Don’t judge me lol.

“…I’ll never let you down even if I could… I’d give up everything if only for your good… So hold me when I’m here, right me when I’m wrong… You can hold me when I’m scared, you won’t always be there… So love me when I’m gone…” -3 Doors Down

I don’t like to think about death. Every time I think about it I have to catch my breath. It’s so…… final. I know my faith, but death is still a mystery. I’ve never been there before. I went to my great-grandmothers funeral that I had never met about a month ago and thought “wow, there will be people at my funeral that I may have never met nor cared for”. Then the thoughts escalated to who would be late? Who wouldn’t make it there? What assumptions will be made about me by those that goes through my things? How long will they mourn me? Who would miss me most? What could be said of me, my life, my legacy, my influence? Have I impacted at least one life?

“…it’s been too hard living, but I’m afraid to die… ‘Cause I don’t know what’s up there beyond the sky…” -Sam Cooke

I really hate thinking about these things, but to ignore it would be ignoring a very real thing. It’s an uncomfortable aspect of life. As a child when I first thought about death I began to envy the cartoons because I thought they got to live forever. The Terminator movie didn’t help my young fears because I was convinced I would be set on fire in the playground. But, yeah, this post is making me uneasy so I’ll end it here!

“…And when I’m gone, just carry on, don’t mourn…. Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice…” -Eminem

-Signed, Live Like We’re Dying