Pinocchio Story

I got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes, hate in my heart, love in my mind. I seen nights full of pain, days of the same. You keep the sunshine, save me the rain. I search, but never find, hurt but never cry. I work and forever try, but I’m cursed so never mind. And it’s worse but better times seem further and beyond. The top gets higher, the more that I climb. The spot gets smaller and I get bigger. Trynna get in where I fit in, no room for a nigga, but soon for a nigga it be on motherf*cka, ’cause all this bullsh*t, it made me strong motherf*cka (Lil Wayne). This year of 2010 has been a major turning point in my world. A lot of things occurred that changed my life forever, for better and better off (no worse). It took some time, but (despite my dislike for clichés) this happened for my good. Where I want to be needs the foundation my life has laid already. I needed to go through these things. I needed to lose want I lost to gain what I got. I realize when you have great aspirations then most likely the barriers to reaching your dream may be as big as your passions. This is not for the weak-minded. This is not for the easily influenced. This the life that everybody ask for (Kanye), but the cost is great.

…let’s trade shoes just to see what it’d be like to feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each other’s mind just to see what we find, look at sh*t through each other’s eyes, but don’t let ’em say you ain’t beautiful, they can all get f*cked, just stay true to you… ” -Eminem

Bittersweet Symphony. Lately I’ve been hard to reach, I’ve been too long on my own. Everybody has a private world where they can be alone (Eminem). I have had some very low points this year that I mostly kept to myself. Sometimes life gets so convoluted and arduous that you wish you can hit the reset button, pause it, skip a board or possibly not play at all. I’m no inspirational/motivational speaker so you’re not gonna get the “you can do it and don’t give up” speech from me, because in all honestly, that may not be your story. Not everybody wins. Not everybody tries. Not everybody perseveres. The life you’re living is the life you chose after a certain point in your life. Our circumstances are typically out of our control, but we are not powerless despite how it seems sometimes.

“and promoters try to get me out to their clubs and expect me to have fun, but I can’t imagine how… …and everybody talk and everybody listen, but somehow the truth just always comes up missing…” -Drake

Lost Ones. This has been a year of great distance for me. I have come a long way and have taken much time to grow up. There has also been other sorts of distance that isn’t so pleasant. But time don’t back it goes forward, can’t run from the pain go towards it, some things can’t be explained, what caused it (Jay-Z). I’ve distanced myself from people I would have never dreamed of “losing” (especially both of my parents), but sometimes you have to do what you need to do. Outsiders always think they know something and it’s usually the furthest from the truth. I could care less about those opinions because very few people know me. I just couldn’t pretend everything was okay anymore. Read between the lines ‘what’s f*cked up’ and ‘everything’s alright (Green Day). I’m not the type of person that cannot take being wrong (anymore). At times you could be right in a room full of wrongs and begin to question yourself. That’s what I compare some of those losses to. However, it is what it is and won’t be what it was anymore. Moving along…

“…naw, you wouldn’t understand…” -Biggy

Chemical Romance. People say I’ve got my hands in too many things, keeping time with paupers just as well as kings (Teena Marie). I find this to be one of the greatest oxymoronic aspects of my life. I love ‘love’ yet want nothing to do with it. I’m trying to learn to separate what I want from what I see; what is realistic from what is not sensible. I look at my parents’ relationships, grandparents, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, cousins, friends and distant strangers. I typically find myself wondering, did you get into a relationship because you’re sick of being alone or that’s truly the one you wanted? I don’t want to be one of those people that settle for someone that either looks good on paper or is merely around. I think I’m too much. I think too much. [I] live in a mindset that [you] could never move to (Drake). What I want is very simple. ‘Will I get it?’ is the puzzling question that I will leave alone until whenever it needs to be tried. Moving along…

Everyday Struggle. I am still in the transitional phase of finding where I fit in this world, looking for where I want to be and figuring out how I’ll get there. I’m okay with being lost sometimes now. I’ve accepted not having all of the answers, especially since I don’t have all of the questions. Not getting what I want and reminding myself that I’m not a kid anymore is a challenge that I very well need and combat with. I know how it feel to wake up f*cked up (Biggy). I’ve learned not to dwell on things/situations/people I cannot change and to build a bridge and get over it. Easier said than done is what many will say, but most of those people haven’t even tried. Y’all don’t know my struggle, you can’t match my hustle, you can’t catch my hustle, you can’t fathom my love dude (Kanye). I’m at the stage in my life where I’d say I am learning to eat my vegetables and seeing what’s good for me. Though I sometimes (most times) knowingly choose the wrong things, at least I know better. Sometimes (most times) I have to stand alone on some things, but the results are far more worth it. You always gon’ need somebody, but all you got is yourself (Jadakiss). Everyone will never understand you or me nor the decisions we make. Maybe they aren’t supposed to. Maybe some of your dreams ought to be a secret. Others’ input can be dangerous at times. This is my life homie, you decide yours (Kanye). I won’t say that I’ll live everyday as if it were my last, because that would be pure chaos, but I do encourage you to learn yourself and to live forward; we only get one shot at life.

“respect the game, that should be it, what you eat don’t make me sh*t” -Jay-Z

“…talkin’ bullsh*t as if it was for you to know and I don’t have the heart to give these b*tch niggaz the cue to go, so they stick around, kicking out feedback and I entertain it is if I need that…” -Drake

-Signed, Miss Solo Dolo


“…I tell the truth, but I keep runnin’…”

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Worst I Ever Had

Sex is one of the greatest wins since creation, but not always. Some of us have had some “interesting” experiences that may be embarrassing, something you’d rather forget, bizarre or just down right wrong! I hate for bad sex to happen to anyone, but it does happen and most of the time no one informs their partner that they weren’t feelin’ it. I don’t know if there are too many feelings worse than having bad sex and being expected to actually speak to the person afterwards. I have a 3-strike policy (too generous, I know), but I know I’ve been in situations where I just wanted to leave and didn’t care if it was a safe hour to do so. It’s understandable to not want to come at somebody that way because it can be a vulnerable experience for some and you don’t want them to end up like the 40 year old virgin and never try again (lol). So I gathered some feedback from some of you (my faithful readers) to composite some sex no-no’s and oh no’s.

“Don’t bore me, just show me” -Beyonce

Don’t You Hate A Shy Chick? Everyone isn’t the aggressive type, I realize this, but at some point in your adult life a girl’s got to come out of that shell. I consider it to be looked at like a stage performance. Maybe you aren’t the type that is up for an audience, but sometimes in life you get put on the spot and you just have to go for it. Well, guess what? Sex is your stage and your partner is your audience. All that shy sh*t is teenage behavior and not sexy. If you don’t know how to do something or if you don’t know what to do, I suggest you get your study on, because guess what girl friend, you could look like Halle Berry but laying on your back like a corpse is NOT cutting it. If you don’t want to participate in the class then don’t come. If you don’t like head, treat it like vegetables and learn to love it. Take one for the team and go for it. Don’t keep quoting “look ma, no hands” when you’re giving dry, lazy head. You can keep all that to yourself. If you can’t take a d*ck then I honestly don’t know what to tell you. Ladies, don’t talk dirty if you don’t get down like that.

“All that talk but it seems like it can’t come through… All them lies like you could satisfy me, now I see where believing you got me… Gave you the wheel, but you can’t drive me” -Destiny’s Child

He Got A Big… “Ego”. I’ve always said that men are like crackheads when it comes to p*ssy. They will say and do almost anything in the heat of the moment to get it. There ain’t nothing like getting all gassed up and being left thinking I should’ve had another mechanic under my hood (Mariah Carey). Disappointment isn’t the word. Destiny’s Child said it best with “Two things I don’t like when I tryin’ to get my groove, is a parter that meets me only half way and just can’t prove.
Take me out so deep when you know you can’t swim.” Some people need to stay in their own lane and ladies, we need to stop telling these fail whales that they are tearing it up when you know you were thinking about a million and one other things that you could be doing while he’s doing you. The ironic thing is the level of arrogance that the most terrible guys have and you think to yourself “and you acting like it’s all of that… I’m not feelin’ it… let’s go lil kitty kat” (Beyonce). I understand that a man’s pride/ego is as fragile as our emotions, but sometimes it needs to be said. Otherwise, there leaves room for more opportunities for Mr. Baggy Magnum, Mr. It’s Not Even In But You Still Going, Mr. No Stroke Just Grind, and you just want it to be over (and chances are…. about 60 seconds later, it is). Then you get the “your p*ssy is too good” line *yawn*, the jury is still out on that one!

False Advertisement. At the end of the day, it is my hope that everyone have passionate and fulfilling sex, but those fails can really mess with a person’s head (more so women than men, because y’all will just go f*ck somebody else). As men, y’all have to hope you don’t get your balls skinned by bad head. And women, we have to become special agents to weed out the all men talk but don’t please (Beyonce) types.

“I don’t think you understand, how real it is for me to find a man who thinks he can… So give it to me right or don’t give it to me at all” -Melanie Fiona

-Signed, C’mere Rude Boy Boy

Bitches Runnin’ Wild

It’s been years since I learned about supply and demand, but I must say that “hoes” are at an all time high. It’s like pick your flavor and whoop there it is (lol, but seriously). You have arrogant hoes, busted hoes, corny hoes, drunk hoes, egotistical hoes, fat hoes and we could go on for days. Despite the benefits (to some), these females giving out unlimited samples of their va-jay-jay, the disadvantages are greater. Consider why you do what you do, what you’re doing to yourself, and if you’re a mother, consider how you’re impacting the next generation.

“Q: What’s the difference between a ho and a b*tch? A ho f*cks everybody, but a b*tch f*cks everybody but you!” -Fear of A Black Hat

Scandal! I’ve heard some wild stories about how scandalous people can be. I have witnessed families fight, friendships broken, relationships ruined, usually due to pillow talking. Lives can be loss over BS like that, but it is as if people don’t look at the long-term effects of a momentary jump off. Dudes will blast their closest homie’s personal business, people get set up to get robbed and/or murdered. People puttin’ hoes over their family out here. Not to mention the STD rates, because people are making foolishness spontaneous decisions. You never know homie about these hoes homie… you need to pump ya breaks and drive slow! (Kanye). To make matters worse, there are some of y’all that’s out here wifin’ these skeezers. How foul is she and you wifed her? (Jay-Z)

“…Never trust a big butt and a smile…” -Bel Biv Devoe

Some of these chicks are so vicious that they aren’t even after your money, they just want to get at you to make your girl mad. They do these things to cause scenes and to get attention and many of y’all entertain it. The sadder part of that is when the real women begin to doubt themselves and feel like, ‘it’s foolish of me to compete when you cheat with loose women‘ (Beyonce). There are plenty of guys that lose good women cuz you chasin’ funky hookers (Three Times Dope).

I’ve said all of this to say that though some of us are merely onlookers of this f*ckery, everyone has a personal responsibility for who they allow themselves to be around and/or become. There are no victims in the life you choose. Ladies, you don’t have to try to be something you’re not in order to attract attention you actually don’t need. Fellas, you don’t accidentally trip, slip and fall in no p*ssy, so act accordingly and get a ho detector (if you so choose). It is beyond real out here and a lot of these children are products and witnesses of others living recklessly.

-Signed, She Was A Ho Fo Shooo


“Keep your ho on a leash”


“booty all out lookin’ trashy”

Self-Sabotage

There are things that happen to us in life that are out of our hands, but there are also situations where we have power and play a significant role. Over the years I have become very aware of myself in several ways and one of those ways is how I sabotage myself whether it’s intentionally or realized after the fact. Part of me hates to write this because I’m using myself as an example, but I’m sure I’m not alone in my foolishness. I’m the type of person that it is difficult for me to really take in new people, but once I do it is a challenge to let them go. Especially when everyone gives the “I’m Different” speech, but everyone does what everyone else has done… Leave. Though I may never show it, this is my reality. I love hard and hurt even harder (pause lol).

The Miseducation of Kesh. It’s hard to finally build up the courage to be into someone and it seems as if the chase is over for them and you’re left there in your feelings (salty). I was always taught to be strong. Never let them think you care at all (Musiq). Though the chase ends on the guy’s part, it’s at that point that the chase begins on the female’s part, but he’s already on to the next one(s). It made me wonder why some of us women do this. Why do we go after men who are no longer after us. In my case I feel like a part of it is that never-ending father factor having its part. It made me wonder maybe it is this way because the first man your young heart tried to love didn’t want you either (whether he was around or not). And for others of us, it’s not as if mom made it any easier by being a positive example of what not settling looks like.

“We of the fatherless tribe love men differently” -Gina Loring (Def Poet)

Walking Oxymoron. Let’s place the emphasis on the moron. I wish I could change, I wish I could change, I wish I could stop doing the same old things (Robin Thicke). Though change is not impossible, it surely isn’t a 10-step program nor is there any easy button to press. To say that I have been through a lot is an understatement. I don’t consider past events to be an excuse for my actions, but they are definitely within my arsenal of destructive behaviors of pushing people away when they get close, attempting to seem unmoved by others’ actions, falling for the same type hoping it’ll be different, being terrified of ‘the nice guy’ (for good reason).

“Do you think you could fall for a woman like me? Cause I find it hard to trust, I need too much and I really don’t believe in love, no no” -Beyonce

“My heart’s at a low. I’m so much to manage. I think you should know that I’ve been damaged” -TLC

Handle With Care. I despise when people play with others’ feelings for sport without considering the unnecessary damage it’ll do. I’d rather hear “I’m not interested” than the countless lame excuses of “naw, it’s not even like that, I just been busy”. Actions show true intentions. We all make time for what and who we want. I’m an all or nothing type of person so I hate that game and I don’t play it with people. If you ain’t down to give me everything, just throw it away (P!nk). It bugs me when my time is wasted because I don’t get that back.

“In my life, there’s been heartache and pain. I don’t know if I can face it again” -Foreigner

“Don’t you go breaking my heart, stay for a while” -702

I wouldn’t say I’ve quit my interest in love. I just don’t know if I have the energy to gamble on it again (I always lose at gambling in general, how ironic lol). I hate to see what the losing side does, the friendships lost, the recovery period and the whole process. I don’t miss it and quite frankly would prefer to never experience it again, but it wouldn’t be living if I didn’t try. Cause I don’t want to lose you if you really really really care (TLC). I feel like I live in a world where people want everything for nothing. It as if the expectation is for me to be totally committed as if we didn’t just meet. When the sales pitch sounds too promising early on because of the hype, I tend to run for the hills. Hopefully one of these days I’ll stop running…

“Don’t expect me just to open up. Maybe I’m just a little scared. Please don’t tell me what you think I wanna hear” -P!nk

-Signed, It’s not you, it’s me (and maybe also you)

“…cuz I got time while [he] got freedom, cuz when a heart breaks no it don’t breakeven… …what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay?…” -The Script


“I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me” -Mariah Carey


“Don’t wanna start over again (cuz I’ve had enough). I don’t wanna hurt again (sorry I give up). I really know what I’m missin (pain and heartache). I’m tired of it cuz my eyes are stayin dry now. Don’t wanna let it another in (cuz I’m cool on that)… …Can you forgive me? I know it might sound crazy, but who knew love could be so draining? Tired of opening up. Tired of caring. I don’t feel like lovin’ you” -LeToya Luckett

Fraudulently Fabulous

Money, clothes, and hoes all a nigga knows (Biggy). A mentality that seems to plague the (black) community, but it isn’t limited to us. However, it is “us” that I’d like to address. There are several things that I notice that cause me to question values, character, and many people’s realities. I’m witnessing an excess of paraphernalia over priorities, partying over parenting, and pump faking over personal responsibility. This topic will cause some heads to nod, some eyes to side eye, and hopefully bruise some egos. Maybe I shouldn’t write this way, subliminal thoughts get misconstrued it really ain’t polite to say, some things you gotta say (Chill Moody)!

“…why you ain’t stackin instead of trynna be fly?…” -Jadakiss

What Means The World To You? (Cam’Ron). People are living beyond their means at an all time high and it’s so obvious it makes me wonder why they even have the heart to bother trying to live a life they cannot afford. This has gone beyond trying to keep up with the Joneses, there are people that are living in $50,000 houses (that they don’t own) that are trying to catch up with millionaires. Where’s the logic in that? There is an image that’s trying to be portrayed and people are losing who they really are. Don’t front like you can buy fly sh*t and you and your homies sharing jeans (Kanye). With that being said, let’s peruse the essentials of cool (Lupe)…

“…damn them new loafers hurt my pockets…” -Kanye

Money? Cars? Clothes? Hoes? I Suppose (Drake). I’m not going to sit here and pretend I have all of the answers here. I know that a lot of the influence for these fabricated lifestyles are media related. People want what they see. It’s always been that way. The black community has been beyond the underdog in America for a very long time and this is an understatement. However, I don’t believe our ancestors sacrificed all they had, their freedom, their lives for us to live so foolishly. It’s in a black person’s soul to rock that gold (Kanye), but it doesn’t have to be. Being a walking contradiction isn’t cool. Selling out to be something you’re not is not wassup! You now have a bunch of fake friends that fraud right along with you, like you don’t remember when a nigga told a joke and the bitches didn’t laugh (DMX).

Oh You Fancy Huh? (Drake). Being caught up in brand names over quality is stupid, for lack of a better word. In my field of work, I’ve been in a lot of very nice homes of people who are well off and guess what, they don’t sit around talking about Polo, alcohol brands and jewelry. You model yourself after celebrities that in many cases are more famous than rich and are also fakin’ it til they make it. Every rapper ain’t a star and every plaid ain’t Burberry (Lloyd Banks). What fool brags about what they can supposedly afford? Do you say “I’m eating Kellogg’s cereal? I’m cleaning my house with Lysol? I’m watching my Sony tv? I’m writing with my Papermate pen?” That’s how stupid it sounds when you’re talking about your shoes, jeans, belts, weaves, and so on. The funnier thing is, a lot of you brag about labels and things you know nothing about and then look foolish when you ain’t even rockin’ it right. Rolleys don’t tick dog! Ya bezel dropped (Eve).

“…if you tear the bar down with all the fly women and still living wit your mama, get your money up… if you buying big whips, can’t take care of your kids, why you lookin’ at me, get your money up…” -Keyshia Cole|Keri Hilson

Get Your Sh*t Together (T.I.). You can tell them niggaz you roll with whatever you want, but you and I know what’s goin on (50 Cent). Another thing I don’t understand is how people fraud like nobody knows them! You was never known for gettin’ money nigga, you was only known for gettin’ other niggas money nigga (Beans). Too many of you supposed “get money” individuals still live in the hood or with your mom or are still renting where you stay. How are you at every event and you have no food or electricity in your house? How do you go out every night and you have kids? How are you a boss without a job or a business? How are you buying $600 sneakers, but your cell phone gets cut off? How are you taking elaborate vacations and borrow money from your mother? How are you cocky when you can’t even spell? You worry about the wrong things (Kanye). If you put that energy that you put into this “gaudy lifestyle” you might actually be doing something, but until then you a big L and I ain’t talkin bout Cool J (Kanye).

“…wings don’t make you fly and the crown don’t make you king…” -Lupe

-Signed, Broke Phi Broke

“…but that takes paper that we don’t have so niggas put they souls up as collateral…” -Black Ice (Def Poet)

“…how you figure yo sh*t is bigger than mine?…” -Black Ice (Def Poet)

Don’t Confuse The Facts

I know being creative is encouraged throughout life, but fabrication is an entirely different playing field. I find myself coming across several situations where people have imagined things they wish for, but are obviously not the case. What do I mean by this? What am I referring to? I’m glad you wondered! I’m talking about those that claim certain situations are more than what they actually were.

The “Boy”. There are many females running rapid “claiming” people that are likely not even aware. Just because the person has your number doesn’t mean y’all together. Just because you went out maybe once or twice doesn’t mean y’all together. Just because y’all have great conversations doesn’t mean y’all together. And guess what? Just because y’all fucked doesn’t mean y’all together! What goes through people’s minds to make up entire relationships from something that was simple, then wonder why he’s just not that into you. Maybe it’s because you are doing entirely too much! Being overly possessive has never been sexy. I don’t know if these people hallucinate or what, but something isn’t processing in the sanity department.

It Was Just Sex? In our generation, casual sex is pretty much the norm. In a lot of situations, instead of people leaving things as they are by just saying it is what it is, they create these bizarre connections. Don’t get it twisted, this isn’t just ladies. There are many fellas that get interested in a female and try to arm wrestle her into a relationship. The jealousy begins. The how many people you talk to questions begin to arise. Clocking, stalking, and interrogation is at an all new high coming from people that are not an item.

“…yeah we fucked, bitch so what…” -Eminem

I say this because it annoys me to see this. I also say this because I don’t like getting those random messages or dirty stares from broads I don’t know, especially over dudes I barely associate with. The point of this blog is just as the title says, don’t confuse the facts. I like you doesn’t mean I’m in love with you. Just because we chilled doesn’t mean you’re the only person that gets my time. Just because I’m nice to you doesn’t mean anything beyond that unless you are advised otherwise. Don’t get caught up in your feelings and be disappointed as if anyone else is responsible for them. I hope you cuckoo birds find some sanity in your unrealistic worlds. 🙂

-Signed, Sane in the City

“you don’t want that, neither do I… I don’t wanna flip when I see you with guys” -Eminem

Fearless

I don’t want to sleep, I’m dreaming,
A fantasy can’t compare to my reality,
I’m dreaming,
Not many can say that they are living their dream,
And I am truly living,
I’m alive.

I have survived and am surviving,
But not many survivors truly live,
I am a living survivor,
I am determined to make the world hear my story,
They can forget my face,
They could never know my name,
But they will know my story,
They will remember my words.

The prize is obvious,
My eyes are fixed on it,
But it is the journey I cherish,
The roads taken,
The failures,
The glimpses of hope,
The bad decisions to wisdom setting in,
Sometimes I won’t know where I am going,
I will always remember from where I came,
Without these, this road traveled is in vain.

Everything that I want is already mine,
For I am enduring doubt and disappointment,
Persevering through pain and hardship,
If I am stripped of everything,
I will have my faith and character,
I will never be left with nothing.

I refuse to live your typical life,
Refuse to have an average world,
I want nothing less than extraordinary,
I will not keep quiet,
I will not be silenced,
I don’t want to be famous,
I want to be great,
It is already worth it.

I will have a legacy,
I am a living legend,
No one can tell me otherwise,
The race is mine,
I will win,
I have to,
I can’t sleep until I do.