Archive for the ‘ Uncategorized ’ Category

Worst I Ever Had

Sex is one of the greatest wins since creation, but not always. Some of us have had some “interesting” experiences that may be embarrassing, something you’d rather forget, bizarre or just down right wrong! I hate for bad sex to happen to anyone, but it does happen and most of the time no one informs their partner that they weren’t feelin’ it. I don’t know if there are too many feelings worse than having bad sex and being expected to actually speak to the person afterwards. I have a 3-strike policy (too generous, I know), but I know I’ve been in situations where I just wanted to leave and didn’t care if it was a safe hour to do so. It’s understandable to not want to come at somebody that way because it can be a vulnerable experience for some and you don’t want them to end up like the 40 year old virgin and never try again (lol). So I gathered some feedback from some of you (my faithful readers) to composite some sex no-no’s and oh no’s.

“Don’t bore me, just show me” -Beyonce

Don’t You Hate A Shy Chick? Everyone isn’t the aggressive type, I realize this, but at some point in your adult life a girl’s got to come out of that shell. I consider it to be looked at like a stage performance. Maybe you aren’t the type that is up for an audience, but sometimes in life you get put on the spot and you just have to go for it. Well, guess what? Sex is your stage and your partner is your audience. All that shy sh*t is teenage behavior and not sexy. If you don’t know how to do something or if you don’t know what to do, I suggest you get your study on, because guess what girl friend, you could look like Halle Berry but laying on your back like a corpse is NOT cutting it. If you don’t want to participate in the class then don’t come. If you don’t like head, treat it like vegetables and learn to love it. Take one for the team and go for it. Don’t keep quoting “look ma, no hands” when you’re giving dry, lazy head. You can keep all that to yourself. If you can’t take a d*ck then I honestly don’t know what to tell you. Ladies, don’t talk dirty if you don’t get down like that.

“All that talk but it seems like it can’t come through… All them lies like you could satisfy me, now I see where believing you got me… Gave you the wheel, but you can’t drive me” -Destiny’s Child

He Got A Big… “Ego”. I’ve always said that men are like crackheads when it comes to p*ssy. They will say and do almost anything in the heat of the moment to get it. There ain’t nothing like getting all gassed up and being left thinking I should’ve had another mechanic under my hood (Mariah Carey). Disappointment isn’t the word. Destiny’s Child said it best with “Two things I don’t like when I tryin’ to get my groove, is a parter that meets me only half way and just can’t prove.
Take me out so deep when you know you can’t swim.” Some people need to stay in their own lane and ladies, we need to stop telling these fail whales that they are tearing it up when you know you were thinking about a million and one other things that you could be doing while he’s doing you. The ironic thing is the level of arrogance that the most terrible guys have and you think to yourself “and you acting like it’s all of that… I’m not feelin’ it… let’s go lil kitty kat” (Beyonce). I understand that a man’s pride/ego is as fragile as our emotions, but sometimes it needs to be said. Otherwise, there leaves room for more opportunities for Mr. Baggy Magnum, Mr. It’s Not Even In But You Still Going, Mr. No Stroke Just Grind, and you just want it to be over (and chances are…. about 60 seconds later, it is). Then you get the “your p*ssy is too good” line *yawn*, the jury is still out on that one!

False Advertisement. At the end of the day, it is my hope that everyone have passionate and fulfilling sex, but those fails can really mess with a person’s head (more so women than men, because y’all will just go f*ck somebody else). As men, y’all have to hope you don’t get your balls skinned by bad head. And women, we have to become special agents to weed out the all men talk but don’t please (Beyonce) types.

“I don’t think you understand, how real it is for me to find a man who thinks he can… So give it to me right or don’t give it to me at all” -Melanie Fiona

-Signed, C’mere Rude Boy Boy

I LIKE You!

Maybe it’s just me, but I used to think that without question that the three toughest words to say to another person was “I love you”. Maybe it’s just my personal experience. Lately it seems as if those three words have a close runner up as far as words that are tough to say in my world. I thought about this more as I watched one of my favorite movies, “Hitch” starring Will Smith. There are several powerful statements and points made in that movie and what I am about to discuss. First check out the clip from the movie that sparked this topic below.

(Start at 2:33 to 3:00)

Why does it seem so difficult to say “I like you” and mean it or to say it and the other person believe you and that’s it. There’s always this assumption of some sort of underlying meaning, hidden agenda, or the thought that it’s pure bs. Sometimes I just genuinely enjoy someone’s company, but if I say that it is usually taken a different way than I intended it. I try to be straight-forward by saying what I mean and meaning what I say because I don’t like to be confused so I try not to confuse others. It’s weird though, because if I tell someone I like them, it’s taken to “she wants a relationship” or the other extreme, which I call the Super Bad Complex, “oh she wants to put her mouth on or around my dick” (lol but seriously), when I only mean the three words I said.

“…yes, you can hold my hand if you want to, cuz I want to hold yours too” -Fergie

I notice that I can fall in and out of like every other week, so I don’t see it as a big deal, but it seems to be taken as one. It’s to the point that I think I shouldn’t say it anymore. Am I looking into it too deeply? Is this a realistic assessment? Is it just me? I have no idea. It’s interesting to say the least. Why can’t two people enjoy one another’s company and it be as simple as the time spent? When did it all get so complicated since the elementary days?

“…A boyfriend ain’t what I want… Now we can kick it baby, just like the way we’ve been… I just need to be free, don’t need you to rescue me…” -Vivian Green

-Signed, Check: Yes, No or Maybe

“…cuz I like it, but I don’t need it… I don’t wanna be your girl friend…” -Vivian Green

I’m Writing… Because…

I’d like to share some thoughts and letters that I believe are relevant to everyone in a way and also personal to me. This is a little unorthodox in comparison to my other writings, but I’m an unorthodox individual so I guess it fits. So I write…

Dear Karma,
I’m writing you this because everyone says you’re a bitch, but just like the days when I worked in retail and had tough customers, I realize that you are simply doing your job. I understand.

Dear Hype,
I’m writing you because I think we need to end this. It’s not me, it’s you. I don’t need to be caught up in you and the facades associated with you. It’s nothing personal. Maybe it is.

Dear Thrill,
I’m writing you this because I seek you often; you fascinate me.

Dear Hollywood,
I’m writing you this because you make life come alive or at least I thought so. I used to think everything was perfect some place on this earth and that I was inadequate to fit in such a world because I didn’t look like you.

Dear God,
I’m writing You this because I need to and most importantly I need You. It doesn’t even seem fit to call You Daddy anymore these days because things have changed between You and I. I used to “bring You more than a song”, we used to kick it, I used to tell You everything, but I made some choices that shifted that. I traded Your beauty for rags, made my prodigal child return and took flight again.

This world puts You in this box of being this convenient, understanding and no discipline god or so formal that no one ever really knows You. You are my constant reminder of humility when I get beside myself in cockiness and I look at how I treat You and see that I ain’t shit. In the midst of trying to find balance in between “religion” and rebellion I am at a crossroads, fork in the road, limbo.

It’s crazy to claim to love someone so much, but hurt them so often. Everything I claim to hate in others are the things I do to You: lie, leave, cheat, inconsistency, drama, distant, always sorry but never really changing, etc. At times, I find myself looking for everything in others what can only be found in You. I know this, I knew this, yet I continue to do it. A part of me wishes things went back to what they are. A part of me sees that this is merely a season and something good is going to come out of this point in my life. It’s good to know that no matter what, I’m Yours, I can cry to You, shout, scream, vent, be truly naked, be me around You. Your love will endure forever. You never leave. You are my only guarantee. I don’t know how to end this because it’ll never really be finished. I guess I could say I’m grateful for Your grace. I surely don’t get what I deserve.

-Signed, Me

“…Since my date of birth, I bought you nothing but hurt…” -Jay-Z
“…I told God I’d be back in a second, man it’s so hard not to act reckless…” -Kanye West
“…I’ve come undone, but You make sense of who I am…” -Red
“…tell Him I love Him… tell Him I need Him…” – Lauryn Hill
“..You search much deeper within, through the way things appear… You’re looking into my heart…….I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it when it’s all about You…” -Matt Redman
“….are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples with walls around our weakness and smiles that hide our pain… …the performance is convincing, we know every line by heart, only when no one is watching can we really fall apart…” -Casting Crowns
“…I’m a puzzle, yes indeed, ever complex in every way… …I don’t know why You love me and that’s why I love You…” -Beyonce
“..You’re my only reason, You’re my only truth… I need You like water, like breathe, like rain… I need You like mercy from heaven’s gate…” -LeAnn Rimes


“…dear lie, you suck…” -TLC

Lost, But Searching…

The song “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day will always be dear to my heart because I can relate so well. It’s not so much the lonliness addressed in the song but the “lostness”. I will never pretend that I have life figure out, though I will say there is some wisdom instilled in me. I understand that I will never know it all and that is a releif. I once expressed to someone my desire to move out of my city but also acknowledged that I doubt I’d permantly stay wherever I choose to move. The person disagreed completely because of my commitments here. I responded, “How will I know where I belong if I never look for it?” and that was pretty much the end of that conversation.

“I walk a lonely road… the only one that I have ever known… don’t know where it goes, but it’s home to me and I walk alone…” -Green Day

“…Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and it’s gonna take so long for me to get somewhere… …can You send an angel to guide me?…” -Alicia Keys

Don’t get it twisted, I’m no trouble maker, I just will never be the type of person to do something because that’s what everyone else is doing, I will always want to know why. At certain points in life I realize aside from God, I may be the only one looking out for me or have my best interest in mind (sometimes). In realizing this, I try to be careful about who I love. I’m an all or nothing person so once you’re in, it is difficult to let you go. This is true with all of my relationships, this will never be limited to romance, my rationale is, if you can’t be a good friend to me, it will never need to go beyond that point.

“…here I am, I’m just a fragment of my God, heavenly Father hear me, sometimes life gets so hard..” -Teena Marie

“…one shot to your heart without breaking your skin, no one has the power to hurt you like your kin/friends…” -India.Arie

I’m not trying to “fit” anywhere, I just want to know where I belong. I don’t want anything that isn’t mine. I don’t want to be one of those people that are merely existing, I want to really live every day despite circumstances. I know that God has put me through a lot for good reason and has equipped me to be strong enough to handle it, though it is a struggle to be strong so often. I will never settle for an ordinary life, I bore easily and am easily distracted, yet faithful. I am always trying to see what is new and interesting, yet loyal. At this point in my life all I have is my character and that’s still developing. I realize there are many roads and that I don’t have to choose only one, I can try one and maybe it’s no good for me and I can go another way. I refuse to be boxed, refuse to be silenced, and refuse to settle, I will continually pursue the beautiful wherever and whatever it is.

“…she lives in a mindset you could never move to… …throw your ones up in the air for ‘her’…” -Drake

“…I drove by the fork in the road and went straight…” -Jay-Z

“…please don’t ask me where I’m going… ’cause I don’t know… anymore…” -Corinne Bailey Rae

-Signed, I dont want to be famous, I just want to be great


“…he’s there for you when he shouldn’t be, but he stays all the same, waits for you and then sees you through… there’s no way I could describe him… all I say is, just what I’m hoping for… but I will find him sittin’ on my doorstep… waiting for the surprise… it will feel like he’s been there for hours and I can tell he’ll be there for life…”

Who Cares?

Since the beginning of time there have always been a faithful few and the majority has typically been wrong. It made me think about this when it comes to me meeting new people. If you know me, you already know I am a very curious person in every sense of the word, and I am also very clumsy. I am always open to trying something new in most cases, especially when it comes to people, I have this strange curiosity about relationships and how they work, don’t feel offended that I observe you my dear lab rats (lol). I love meeting people that I can meet as a young adult and still technically grow up together in a sense. On the other side of my excitement in coming into contact with new faces is the reality of who will stick and who won’t. It makes me wish I had thicker skin at times.

What Are You Intentions? At this point in my life I always tell people that all I have to offer anyone is friendship for a plethora (I love that word) of reasons. The funny thing is in some cases it has a negative impression when it shows that I actually mean what I say. At times I am a little apprehensive because you can notice certain things and hope that you’re wrong (which you usually aren’t) and have to come to grips with the reality that everyone’s intentions for getting to know you are not sincere. I’m one of those people that operate like “just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t know.”

 

“I can’t tell who I should trust or just who I let trust me” -TLC

There’s Something About “Mary”. Sometimes I joke with people by saying I feel like the female version of “Good Luck Chuck” in a different kind of way. It’s almost like a curse when it comes to attempting befriending guys. I don’t want to go into specifics on that, so I will just leave that for another conversation.

“It’s like every chick I deal with, I can never ever keep it real with, they would rather feel that instead of catching feelings” -Dosage

Faithful Few. I always say I have about 2.5 friends (lol). Though the word gets used loosely in regular conversation, when it comes down to a consistent “track record” and daily life. I’m not impressed nor moved by numbers, because when I took the time and effort to really see what it is like to really be a friend, it is work and I don’t have that for 25 people, especially ones that aren’t putting in that same effort. I have learned not to take them for granted and I hope I never will. I’ve always kind of said to myself that you can never really love somebody until you can love them when they make you hate them. In other words, if the friendship hasn’t been tested or challenged in some sort of way, or if an argument can end things, it wasn’t a friendship from the start. Relationships are complex. In the words of Eminem “so what’s a little fight, tomorrow you’ll be boys again.”

“When your falling apart I pick up each piece, and build a wall around your dream.” -Sade

“Friends may come and friends may go, but you should know that, that I’ve got your back, it’s automatic” -Brandy

-Signed, Sincerely

“..I met him when I was a little girl he gave.. he gave me poetry and he was my first.. ..love of my life, you are my friend..”

You Never Loved Me

What do you do when you go to the hospital and get sicker than you were when you had first arrived? Do you stay? Do you hope that it is one of those things that gets worse before it gets better? Or do you find another place and pray for a better outcome? Here’s a third option, do you say to yourself “maybe none of the hospitals are what I need”? I don’t have an answer to these questions..

I have come to despise promises. Why? Because they usually don’t happen. The only promise I have left to believe in is Jesus, everything else is trivial (though I know there are those of you consider my one true Promise debatable). To that, I say, have your debate, but He’s all I got in this world.

You ever fall in “love” or “like”? The feeling is indescribable! You ever still be in love or like and wonder if you are the only one still “in it”? That feeling also is indescribable in a very different way. When all the “sparks” are gone, you are left with what you didn’t see, which was already there, but you weren’t looking at that during the time.

..it used to feel like heaven, it used to feel like May.. – Corinne Bailey Rae

Sometimes I wish there were things that I didn’t know, but I want the truth so bad that it comes with the territory. I am learning a lot about myself, the world, and my world. It is as interesting as it is painful. As intriguing as it is discouraging. It is like an ongoing oxymoron of things that you just can’t take you eyes off of.

The sad thing is.. (since the Fall).. it has always been this way… “There is no new thing under the sun”

You may have noticed I went in different areas, but they all come together here. I’ve tried the “hospital” time & time again. I’ve taken people at their word and learned to maintain high standards and low expectations. I am no longer ever shocked at what someone has done regardless of who it is. I don’t allow other people to tell me who I am because how could they know? I don’t allow other people to choose my destiny for me or accept their opinions of me as truth. Just because someone calls me something doesn’t make me that whether it be positive or negative. And as far love, I take that word with a grain of salt because I realize people are going to tell me they “love” me for the rest of my life. Time will tell though. And lastly, even though it hurts, I still want the truth, because a life of a facade isn’t worth the air I breathe. I’m not sure how my story plays out by detail, but I know that my fate is sealed and extraordinary is the title of “me”.

I encourage you all to seek truth, wisdom, work out your salvation with fear & trembling (seriously), be sincere & real with yourself, learn to take the high road, desire to know what it means to love unconditionally, and a boat load of other things I just didn’t type (lol). So where am I on this word called life? Good question! I think about this song lyric by Corinne Bailey Rae, she says:

..please don’t ask me where I’m goin’, cuz I don’t know.. anymore..

  

-Signed, a weary soldier

“What if I give up?
What if I never live up to all these rules,
I’m goin crazy, maybe it’s me I’m sick of,
It’s like I slip, I sin & then I taunt You,
Lord, I know I need You.. I’m not sure if I want You,
It’s not easy.. I like this deceit.. I like being weak,
I’m confused, God, I hate being me,
My God, My Lord, I’m sorry.. don’t hate me,
I love You.. it’s just lately I’m straying,
Don’t walk away please.. just stay,
You hearing this apology I’m making,
But the thing is, I’m not sure if I mean it when I say it,
Please just take it..
I’m sorry..

lyrics from the songThe Prayer (Soldiers)” by Lano Medina”

Do you… discriminate?

Well… do you… discriminate?

So this word has been on my brain recently. In recent conversation it has come up and me being the person I am took it to the definition then as I will do now before this goes any further:

discriminate

–verb (used without object)

1. to make a distinction in favor of or against a person or thing on the basis of the group, class, or category to which the person or thing belongs rather than according to actual merit; show partiality: The new law discriminates against foreigners. He discriminates in favor of his relatives.
2. to note or observe a difference; distinguish accurately: to discriminate between things.

–verb (used with object)

3. to make or constitute a distinction in or between; differentiate: a mark that discriminates the original from the copy.
4. to note or distinguish as different: He can discriminate minute variations in tone.

–adjective

5. marked by discrimination; making or evidencing nice distinctions

Okay.. ^there it goes.. in most of the conversations I’ve had this word had nothing but negative connotations associated with it just like our friend neighbor word “judgment”, which technically is in the same boat as discriminate. In order to make decisions, one must judge, you have to choose between going right or left or straight or maybe even backwards. Through possibly the process of elimination you make a decision out of the choices before you and you choose something over something else. You do this everyday. So my question is, why are these words (discriminate/judgment) almost always deemed as the bad guys? Nobody likes to be put in a box and labeled as something forever for what has probably occurred at one time or another. In this same case discriminate seems to always be taken in a negative way.. made me wonder…

Again, I ask… do you discriminate? Well do you?

-signed, say what you mean and mean what you say (but also know what you mean when you say it lol)