Archive for the ‘ School ’ Category

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, one of the most important questions in my world was: Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? Once upon a time, to start a story this way brought excitement, a good type of anxiety. Where is this going? Where is this coming from? I’m glad you wondered! We all have those moments when we stop and think “when did it all change and life get so complicated?” I was babysitting my 6 year old sister a few days ago and watching her partially inspired this topic, but not only her, but children and their mentality in general.

Fantasy Land? My sister and I were walking down the street and there was snow out (we had somewhat of a blizzard recently). She was singing and hopping around in the snow, in her own little world. I thought to myself how some parents would have probably told her to cut it out before she falls or gets dirty or something, but when I watch her I tend to let her wonder and wander. I understand that she is a child and that is just what they do, even if it’s annoying to me, I won’t rob her of those moments (at least I try not to).

As all these thoughts flowed through my mind, I almost instantly began to compare our worlds. She doesn’t have a worry or care in the world because she trusts those around her to protect, provide, and help her if she needed. She knows her limits will be given to her if need be, so her plans aren’t much until those limits are close.  It made me think, “when did it all change?” For example,  if she fell, she probably wouldn’t care, but would just get up and brush herself off. She hasn’t properly met embarrassment yet. Whereas an adult would wonder who saw that. I realize children tend to be fearless, because they don’t understand the world yet and how it works.

“Dreams used to be shared with any who would listen, now they are kept close by or else they might be murdered by the dream killers, also known as the hopeless” -TV

I remember when I thought my part of the city was all there was to the world. I remember being maybe 3 or 4 years old thinking that 52nd Street (in West Philadelphia) was the most crowded and busiest place ever! Everything and everyone seemed so big and fascinating! I remember having heroes, whether it was on television (Power Rangers, Lamp Chop, or my favorite WWF wrestlers) or the adults “the big people” in my life. It seemed like they knew it all, as if they had all the answers to everything I didn’t understand. And I’m sure I annoyed them the same way my sister tends to annoy me with questions. I understand she doesn’t properly understand sarcasm yet so I let her slide.. a lot!

There were days when I didn’t look over my shoulder because I didn’t know I needed to. Everything and everyone was some kind of pure and had good in them according to my logic. Forgiveness was instant. Friendship was forever. Later took forever. Poverty promoted creativity not awareness.  Okay meant now. Mother May I was a game. Water plugs weren’t for fires, but to play in. It was literally “all good”. The good old days I would say. Though those good old days lasted up to about 5 years old… that is when the world got real!

In short, I learned how to keep secrets, how to lie, what rejection felt like, pain, manipulation and a host of other things that I had no idea what to do with. There was all of this new information, all of these new pieces I had no idea as to how to put it together. Naturally confusion became a big part of my world of discovery. Things weren’t as simple anymore and no one told me why. I keep this in mind when I think to myself that a child is asking me a “stupid question” and dismiss my thoughts and try to break down the world to them in a way that they could understand. I reminisce about key points in my life where things got too real for TV (Takesha Victoria that is lol) and I didn’t understand. These things were a little more than an earthquake for me. It made me question who I was and now who I am and why.

“Tired of injustice. Tired of the schemes. The lies are disgusting. So what does it mean? Kicking me down. I got to get up. As jacked as it sounds. The whole system sucks.. -Michael Jackson “Scream”

“Look at me.. you may think you see who I really am, but you’ll never know me.. every day, is as if I play a part.. now I see If I wear a mask I can fool the world, but I can not fool my heart..” -Christina Aguilera “Reflection”

Reality Bites? So here I am wrestling with “who I am“in a lost world. Though I do maintain some fairly solid foundations, there is much building to do. I’m getting the better parts of my child-likeness back. I am regaining my desire to explore, forgive now, being a friend forever (even if it isn’t reciprocal), attempting to grasp fearlessness again even after all I have been through. I refuse to place blame in my past, but learn from what I know and have known.

Circumstances are constantly changing and in many cases they tend to be unfortunate, so I make the best of unpleasant situations and move on. I realize my travels will be great and their isn’t much need for baggage outside of my luggage. I’m determined to make “once upon a time” something to look forward to again instead of it being said with a sigh of loss of what once was. I know that in order for this to happen, I have to constantly stay true to myself regardless of what is going on around me and the pressures of this world.

“..you’re sellin’ out souls, but I care about mine.. ..with such confusion, don’t it make you wanna scream? your bash abusin’ victimize within the scheme..you try to cope with every lie they scrutinize..somebody please have mercy ’cause I just can’t take it, stop pressurin’ me..” -Janet Jackson “Scream”

-Signed, and she lived happily ever after

“..back when ‘I don’t know, maybe‘ was an acceptable answer..”

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You Never Loved Me

What do you do when you go to the hospital and get sicker than you were when you had first arrived? Do you stay? Do you hope that it is one of those things that gets worse before it gets better? Or do you find another place and pray for a better outcome? Here’s a third option, do you say to yourself “maybe none of the hospitals are what I need”? I don’t have an answer to these questions..

I have come to despise promises. Why? Because they usually don’t happen. The only promise I have left to believe in is Jesus, everything else is trivial (though I know there are those of you consider my one true Promise debatable). To that, I say, have your debate, but He’s all I got in this world.

You ever fall in “love” or “like”? The feeling is indescribable! You ever still be in love or like and wonder if you are the only one still “in it”? That feeling also is indescribable in a very different way. When all the “sparks” are gone, you are left with what you didn’t see, which was already there, but you weren’t looking at that during the time.

..it used to feel like heaven, it used to feel like May.. – Corinne Bailey Rae

Sometimes I wish there were things that I didn’t know, but I want the truth so bad that it comes with the territory. I am learning a lot about myself, the world, and my world. It is as interesting as it is painful. As intriguing as it is discouraging. It is like an ongoing oxymoron of things that you just can’t take you eyes off of.

The sad thing is.. (since the Fall).. it has always been this way… “There is no new thing under the sun”

You may have noticed I went in different areas, but they all come together here. I’ve tried the “hospital” time & time again. I’ve taken people at their word and learned to maintain high standards and low expectations. I am no longer ever shocked at what someone has done regardless of who it is. I don’t allow other people to tell me who I am because how could they know? I don’t allow other people to choose my destiny for me or accept their opinions of me as truth. Just because someone calls me something doesn’t make me that whether it be positive or negative. And as far love, I take that word with a grain of salt because I realize people are going to tell me they “love” me for the rest of my life. Time will tell though. And lastly, even though it hurts, I still want the truth, because a life of a facade isn’t worth the air I breathe. I’m not sure how my story plays out by detail, but I know that my fate is sealed and extraordinary is the title of “me”.

I encourage you all to seek truth, wisdom, work out your salvation with fear & trembling (seriously), be sincere & real with yourself, learn to take the high road, desire to know what it means to love unconditionally, and a boat load of other things I just didn’t type (lol). So where am I on this word called life? Good question! I think about this song lyric by Corinne Bailey Rae, she says:

..please don’t ask me where I’m goin’, cuz I don’t know.. anymore..

  

-Signed, a weary soldier

“What if I give up?
What if I never live up to all these rules,
I’m goin crazy, maybe it’s me I’m sick of,
It’s like I slip, I sin & then I taunt You,
Lord, I know I need You.. I’m not sure if I want You,
It’s not easy.. I like this deceit.. I like being weak,
I’m confused, God, I hate being me,
My God, My Lord, I’m sorry.. don’t hate me,
I love You.. it’s just lately I’m straying,
Don’t walk away please.. just stay,
You hearing this apology I’m making,
But the thing is, I’m not sure if I mean it when I say it,
Please just take it..
I’m sorry..

lyrics from the songThe Prayer (Soldiers)” by Lano Medina”

The Square in the Circle

That’s kinda how I look at how I fit in my world… There are all these cliques (or circles) and here I am with my pointy edges (lol). There used to be a point in my life when I didn’t find that funny at all, but in the midst of growing up, I’ve grown to like the fact that I never felt like I fit “in” even though I was usually always accepted. I wasn’t one of those kids that got picked on or nothing like that, I actually almost always got along with everybody, I just didn’t see myself being like my surroundings. I used to think that was a bad thing.

I have always been very observant. I noticed during my school days the same kids with the “I don’t care what nobody thinks, I’m my own person attitude” didn’t have the disposition that agreed with their words. Though they screamed and boasted in their alleged uniqueness, they looked jjst like all of their friends. It’s funny because it seemed like I would always be the person that would talk to these same people on a one on one and they’d confess how they didn’t wanna be the way they presented themselves. It was a sad thing to hear.

I find it interesting in our culture how so many people desparately try to fit into a mold that those who are “in” are secretly trying to sneak out of. People live as if being called different or weird is a death sentence and they would rather die from other causes than to labled such a thing. That makes my heart ache at times. More so when I see it in little children. Sometimes I envy children when they are at that age/stage where they don’t know what “in” is and all they know how to do is be. I’m striving to get back to that. I don’t want to be one of those sad confessions that live a life as someone I am not and do not want to be. You should never have to explain to anyone what “type” of person you are, it should be evident. I am learning what it is to be comfortable in my skin and embrace my imperfections, and to truly know how to love myself. I hope you seek this path as well… because you’re beauty darling!

-Signed, L7… and you’re free to be you 🙂

Cause I got a couple dents in my fender/Got a couple rips in my jeans/Try to fit the pieces together/But perfection is my enemy/And on my own I’m so clumsy/But on Your shoulders I can see/I’m free to be me”

Smile Anyway

Part of My Issue

Okay… I realize that there are several other contributing factors as to why I more than likely am not getting this work done (i.e.- the genius over consumption of caffeine, exhaustion, stress, frustration, and so on). Hoooowever, [in the voice of Franklin from My Wife and Kids] (lol-not funny) there is another factor that I “guess” I have control over… procrastination. It’s difficult though and I believe it has always been this way for me. I typically do my best work under pressure and that’s for just about everything [unfortunately].

So what do I do now?

I have joined the club...

I have joined the club...

...bought the t-shirt...

...bought the t-shirt...

...and wrote endless lists!

...and wrote endless lists!

 

Yet and still here I am… staring at two different monitors, books, notes and other things that won’t get done until I do it. I can’t say I have no motivation because I do. I don’t understand this and I don’t have a lot of time to waste because I need to finish all of this work by Friday! Oy!

Signed, … I’ll get right to it… (riiiight)