Archive for the ‘ Religion ’ Category

I’m Writing… Because…

I’d like to share some thoughts and letters that I believe are relevant to everyone in a way and also personal to me. This is a little unorthodox in comparison to my other writings, but I’m an unorthodox individual so I guess it fits. So I write…

Dear Karma,
I’m writing you this because everyone says you’re a bitch, but just like the days when I worked in retail and had tough customers, I realize that you are simply doing your job. I understand.

Dear Hype,
I’m writing you because I think we need to end this. It’s not me, it’s you. I don’t need to be caught up in you and the facades associated with you. It’s nothing personal. Maybe it is.

Dear Thrill,
I’m writing you this because I seek you often; you fascinate me.

Dear Hollywood,
I’m writing you this because you make life come alive or at least I thought so. I used to think everything was perfect some place on this earth and that I was inadequate to fit in such a world because I didn’t look like you.

Dear God,
I’m writing You this because I need to and most importantly I need You. It doesn’t even seem fit to call You Daddy anymore these days because things have changed between You and I. I used to “bring You more than a song”, we used to kick it, I used to tell You everything, but I made some choices that shifted that. I traded Your beauty for rags, made my prodigal child return and took flight again.

This world puts You in this box of being this convenient, understanding and no discipline god or so formal that no one ever really knows You. You are my constant reminder of humility when I get beside myself in cockiness and I look at how I treat You and see that I ain’t shit. In the midst of trying to find balance in between “religion” and rebellion I am at a crossroads, fork in the road, limbo.

It’s crazy to claim to love someone so much, but hurt them so often. Everything I claim to hate in others are the things I do to You: lie, leave, cheat, inconsistency, drama, distant, always sorry but never really changing, etc. At times, I find myself looking for everything in others what can only be found in You. I know this, I knew this, yet I continue to do it. A part of me wishes things went back to what they are. A part of me sees that this is merely a season and something good is going to come out of this point in my life. It’s good to know that no matter what, I’m Yours, I can cry to You, shout, scream, vent, be truly naked, be me around You. Your love will endure forever. You never leave. You are my only guarantee. I don’t know how to end this because it’ll never really be finished. I guess I could say I’m grateful for Your grace. I surely don’t get what I deserve.

-Signed, Me

“…Since my date of birth, I bought you nothing but hurt…” -Jay-Z
“…I told God I’d be back in a second, man it’s so hard not to act reckless…” -Kanye West
“…I’ve come undone, but You make sense of who I am…” -Red
“…tell Him I love Him… tell Him I need Him…” – Lauryn Hill
“..You search much deeper within, through the way things appear… You’re looking into my heart…….I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it when it’s all about You…” -Matt Redman
“….are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples with walls around our weakness and smiles that hide our pain… …the performance is convincing, we know every line by heart, only when no one is watching can we really fall apart…” -Casting Crowns
“…I’m a puzzle, yes indeed, ever complex in every way… …I don’t know why You love me and that’s why I love You…” -Beyonce
“..You’re my only reason, You’re my only truth… I need You like water, like breathe, like rain… I need You like mercy from heaven’s gate…” -LeAnn Rimes


“…dear lie, you suck…” -TLC

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You Never Loved Me

What do you do when you go to the hospital and get sicker than you were when you had first arrived? Do you stay? Do you hope that it is one of those things that gets worse before it gets better? Or do you find another place and pray for a better outcome? Here’s a third option, do you say to yourself “maybe none of the hospitals are what I need”? I don’t have an answer to these questions..

I have come to despise promises. Why? Because they usually don’t happen. The only promise I have left to believe in is Jesus, everything else is trivial (though I know there are those of you consider my one true Promise debatable). To that, I say, have your debate, but He’s all I got in this world.

You ever fall in “love” or “like”? The feeling is indescribable! You ever still be in love or like and wonder if you are the only one still “in it”? That feeling also is indescribable in a very different way. When all the “sparks” are gone, you are left with what you didn’t see, which was already there, but you weren’t looking at that during the time.

..it used to feel like heaven, it used to feel like May.. – Corinne Bailey Rae

Sometimes I wish there were things that I didn’t know, but I want the truth so bad that it comes with the territory. I am learning a lot about myself, the world, and my world. It is as interesting as it is painful. As intriguing as it is discouraging. It is like an ongoing oxymoron of things that you just can’t take you eyes off of.

The sad thing is.. (since the Fall).. it has always been this way… “There is no new thing under the sun”

You may have noticed I went in different areas, but they all come together here. I’ve tried the “hospital” time & time again. I’ve taken people at their word and learned to maintain high standards and low expectations. I am no longer ever shocked at what someone has done regardless of who it is. I don’t allow other people to tell me who I am because how could they know? I don’t allow other people to choose my destiny for me or accept their opinions of me as truth. Just because someone calls me something doesn’t make me that whether it be positive or negative. And as far love, I take that word with a grain of salt because I realize people are going to tell me they “love” me for the rest of my life. Time will tell though. And lastly, even though it hurts, I still want the truth, because a life of a facade isn’t worth the air I breathe. I’m not sure how my story plays out by detail, but I know that my fate is sealed and extraordinary is the title of “me”.

I encourage you all to seek truth, wisdom, work out your salvation with fear & trembling (seriously), be sincere & real with yourself, learn to take the high road, desire to know what it means to love unconditionally, and a boat load of other things I just didn’t type (lol). So where am I on this word called life? Good question! I think about this song lyric by Corinne Bailey Rae, she says:

..please don’t ask me where I’m goin’, cuz I don’t know.. anymore..

  

-Signed, a weary soldier

“What if I give up?
What if I never live up to all these rules,
I’m goin crazy, maybe it’s me I’m sick of,
It’s like I slip, I sin & then I taunt You,
Lord, I know I need You.. I’m not sure if I want You,
It’s not easy.. I like this deceit.. I like being weak,
I’m confused, God, I hate being me,
My God, My Lord, I’m sorry.. don’t hate me,
I love You.. it’s just lately I’m straying,
Don’t walk away please.. just stay,
You hearing this apology I’m making,
But the thing is, I’m not sure if I mean it when I say it,
Please just take it..
I’m sorry..

lyrics from the songThe Prayer (Soldiers)” by Lano Medina”

Prodigal Child

Okay, so this post is amongst the more personal of all posts. I was driving to somewhere about a week ago and really began to think about where I am as far as stepping away from my thoughts and looking at myself for a moment. What did I see? I saw where I was/am. It’s kinda expected at this age and/or point in my life for me to have many questions-I guess. I think my problem was feeling pressured to have answers to all of these questions. Because I realized for certain areas in my life at the moment my answer is “I don’t know” and I am actually okay with that (now). It seems that pressure I felt was from those who would inquire and “I don’t know” didn’t satisfy their inquiry. What can ya do? Can’t please everyone…

I’ve made some pretty drastic decisions lately. No, I’m not sure if they were all right, but I  will find out… eventually. I am at this point where I am also no longer terrified of making mistakes. Life happens and I can’t live a life of timidity. I refuse. Besides, that is rather boring.

“I’m just so far gone… Please leave me alone…  feeling so distant from everyone I’ve known… to make everybody happy I think I would need a clone… They love it when you smile unaware that it’s a strain.. it’s a curse you gotta live with when you’re born to entertain… it’s a weight that’s on my chest.. whoever spottin’ me is playin’.. so I’m liftin’ all alone tryin’ not to get a sprain” -Drake

“You always gon’ need somebody but all you got is yourself” -Jadakiss

I have experienced a lot of [possibly much needed] disappointment lately in several areas… which in all honeslty, I think was a great experience for me. In a sense I feel like it safe guarded me from putting my trust and/or hope in people that ultimately can never save my soul so to speak. I am beginning to understand myself and not interested in too many opinions. I’ve kept my personal social circle small, but I’m networking like crazy. Quality over quanitity anyday especially when it comes to relationships… I really value my dear friends all maybe 5 of them lol. A lot of things are shifting.

“Because once you understand quality, quantity doesn’t move you.” -Me

I have sworn off romantic relationships lol. Not forever, but for now. Until when? I don’t know. And I kinda don’t care. I’ve been through enough already and just don’t have the energy or time to do that right now. I know who I am as far as my worth is concerned so I’m not needy. Besides, I want the “next” one to be the last one. I don’t like all the hopping around as far as commitment is concerned. So I will leave that there lol.

“She said there was no love in her heart, cause one day a rapist attacked her and broke that heart apart.. she said there was no way to fix it or to cover her scars.. then one day a guy came along and probably could help her start.. he was sincere, made her believe it was safe for her to trust again…before long she was cool with giving hugs to him..knew that it was right, cause something was wrong.. the alarms in her mind didn’t tell her he didn’t belong.. there was no intruder alert..” -Lupe Fiasco

“She knows there’s more to life, and she’s scared of ending up alone.. throw your ones up in the air, throw your ones up in the air for her.. You give me your all, and the next morning I’ll forget who, or why, or how, or when.. tonight it’s probably about to happen all over again… cuz I live in a mindset that you could never move to..” -Drake (emphasis altered by me)

I’ve been struggling with a lot. Much of it I don’t want to get into online, but there is surely a war going on internally. I know my future is great and I also know the road to getting there isn’t a yellow brick one. I am learning what it is to endure hardship like a good soldier. To work out my salvation. To wrestle. To fight. To win. To realize, understand, and acknowledge even when I’ve lost, but quitting and retreat are still never an option. I am not trying to be understood anymore. I am literally “living my life like it’s golden” lol and whoever decides to want to be within the vicinity of that… cool.. if not, keep it moving.. So here I am… this prodigal child looking for my place in The Way

“She is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction.. she is trying.. does anybody hear her? Can anybody see? Or does anybody even know she’s going down today.. if judgment looms under every steeple, if lofty glances from lofty people can’t see past her scarlet letter and we’ve never even met her” -Casting Crowns

“So I come to You in pieces, so You can make me whole” -Red

-Signed… you’re not gonna bring me down today