Archive for the ‘ Music ’ Category

So They Cheated On You…

Everybody hates being lied to, yet everybody lies. The funny thing is we tend to do most of the lying to ourselves and for some, it only seems to worsen with age. Sometimes children seem harsh with their (unknown to themselves) honesty when they point out things in life. For example, when you’re embarrassed that your child yells out that a stranger has on a bad wig and you likely immediately apologize on their behalf. It’s a “White Chicks” (the movie) moment, they said it but you were thinking it. So here you are in your next relationship and they have all cheated and what do you do? The emphasis is usually placed on the cheater, but let’s look at the other side this time. Do you act as if you don’t know? Stay? Snap? Get Revenge? Try to work it out? Get bitter? What do you do?

“What if I broke our monogamous agreement? What if I told you I lied, but didn’t mean it? What if my one mistake had the potential to break up our happy home, would you want to know?” -Lyfe Jennings

Everyone wants to get that “oh how could someone do that to you” response when talking about their ex and how they cheated. That’s all well and good, but what was your part in it? In no way do I condone cheating at all, but also in no way can I prevent it. You could be doing everything “right” and still get cheated on. The question is why? The answers vary. People look at celebs and wonder how could so-and-so cheat on her when she’s so beautiful? First off, that could have nothing to do with it, second you don’t know them, and third mind your own and tend to your own business or lack thereof.The next question is one that you should have considered when you went into this relationship and that is “am I willing to try to make this work to the best of my ability?” In no way am I giving out a “get out of being caught cheating free card” but as an adult you have to learn to go through some tough things to make something that you deem as worthy to work.

“If your heart isn’t in it, oh can’t you tell me so?” -Atlantic Starr

People belittle their worth when desperation sets in and wonder later on how they wound up hating what they had started. If you notice the same patterns in all of your relationships maybe it’s time to look in the mirror truly naked and take off your excuses. Grow up. I do not baby adults so either you choose to get your sh*t together or go home to your mama. I’m not saying this to be harsh, but you cannot expect people to hold your hand forever or always arrive first to your pity party. Take charge of your life and accept responsibility for your choices. Relationships have the ability to endure as much as the parties involved are willing to let it. I can empathize with the hurt of being cheating on, but I will never sulk over it. Live Forward.

“…I know she was attractive, but I was here first…” -Beyonce

-Signed, Choose Wisely

…What if I had a thing on the side? Made ya cry? Would the rules change up or would they still apply?… -Ciara

…but you’re just a boy and you understand… -Beyonce

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Willing

I figured I would share my thoughts today… Hope you guys enjoy 🙂

Willing

The makings of me,
A blessing and a curse it seems,
An abundance to offer,
But no worthy heir to give it,
Dreamed a life and hope I live it,
I just want to be…

Be comfort to stress,
Quiet to noise,
Faith to uncertainty and doubt,
Music and inspiration to writer’s block,
Rhythm to blues,
I just want to help…

Encourage your dreams,
Play my role, know my place, give you space,
Explore limitless levels of passion together,
Discover desires and needs,
Remind you of your potential,
I just want to know…

Your favorite song, because it matters to me too,
Your middle name, have your last name,
Where you want to go and how I can be there,
What you want to eat regardless of the time,
When you need space and not take it personal,
I just want to…

Explore sensuality and creativity,
Make you feel masculinely beautiful,
Touch finger tips and feel electricity,
Kiss you good morning and then on your lips too,
Entertain you while you watch the game,
Make you laugh when it hurts,
Nurture your children,
Fall in love with the things I can’t stand about you,
Know that I can work your nerves,
Penetrate your brain and vibe with your mind,
Clean the house in just heels,
Be honest even when it hurts,
Persevere through drama,
Agree to disagree,
Make you smile when you wonder if it’s all worth it,
Do chores that I hate, but realize your comfort supersedes that,
Be your lover and best friend,
Make vows and maintain them til the last breath…

So here I am, willing,
I’m just missing ‘worthy’,
I was once told I need a man not a boy,
And I need a husband not a project,
I’ll wait…

“..if you can’t make me c-o-m-e in my m-i-n-d, then you ain’t got me..”

“I want to fall in love with the medley of the phone when your number dials into it type love”

It Kills Me

I was driving somewhere a few weeks ago and playing my Melanie Fiona cd. I usually skip the singles that are on the radio, but “It Kills Me” caught me that day. It made me think about the women who feel this way (in reference to the lyrics) and it made my heart heavy. Though I’m not in that predicament anymore, I can still empathize with those who are unfortunately choosing to be in a state of feeling they need to stay with someone that doesn’t treat them right. The line that caught me was:

“..cuz I can’t be alone, I need you to come on home.. I know you’re messing around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down?..”

Foolish. I think Ashanti said it best when she sang, “..see my days are cold without you, but I’m hurting while I’m with you, and though my heart can’t take no more, I just keep running back to you..” A part of me wants to ask why do we as women do this to ourselves? The other side of me knows the answer already and doesn’t want to bother to ask. However, I realize I can only really answer this for myself as to why I chose (and sometimes still choose) to be foolish.

“..never thought I’d be afraid to trust somebody that I love so much, but if I can’t get you out of the streets, then you don’t need to be with you..” -Monica

“..deep in my heart I know you couldn’t love me, but I just kept holding on..” -Keyshia Cole

I’ve never had any real positive male influences in my life, or females for that matter. I’ve never really witnessed a good example on how things ought to be, I just always was aware that a better way of doing things existed. I’ve seen men and women teach their daughters how to be weak for a man, even in the smallest things. I have seen things unspoken, but impression-wise taught. I’ve seen “love” make people step outside of their normal selves and do some bizarre and/or twisted things. Especially when you know all you do is hurt in your relationship and try to make it seems like a paradise to everyone else. It’s a sad scene to witness and I pray I never experience it firsthand.

“..he’s so caught up.. he don’t call her.. he shows no love..” – Keyshia Cole

In my case, I have never had a faithful boyfriend for example, but I never wanted to believe it. In my mind, I would say to myself that was the one thing I can’t rock with. You can get paralyzed, forget who I am, get on drugs, whatever and I can ride with you, but bringing another person into our relationship is something I don’t think I can ever survive. Why? I’m not certain. Probably because in most cases that is what I have seen the women around me hurt from the most. There has always been and will always be a “her” that doesn’t really care what y’all have gone through, for how long, or how many kids you have, but she is just getting hers for as long as your man allows it.

“..and if you ever get her back, it’ll never be the same again.. she’s at the corner of her eyes every time she sees your face.. ..when a woman’s fed up..” -R. Kelly

False Fear? Another big issue I have noticed is the fear of being alone. Not having that warm body at night or that consistent communication or sex. It’s almost as if you feel stuck because you have invested so much, especially your time to let it go over an unfaithful relationship. Infidelity then gets watered down from how much it really impacts because of this “fear” of being alone, when in reality you can be alone in a relationship. I call those relationshits (word to Dane Cook lol, but seriously).

“..it’s foolish of me to compete when you cheat with loose women..” -Beyonce

“..one man can make one woman hate all men..” -R. Kelly

I am doing my best to get out of this mentality of accepting someone not giving me their best just as I am giving mine, but when the records show otherwise, it is difficult to be hopeful. The last thing I want is to be bitter or pessimistic, but the struggle is so great when it is all I’ve experienced and all I see and have seen my entire life, but I will say that I am trying to persevere. The thing is, I know nobody wants their hearts, feelings, or time played with.

“..cuz I don’t want to be alone, I don’t need to be on my own.. but I love this man..”

“..oh love, oh love, stop making a fool of me..” -Denise Williams “Silly”

-Signed, Timidly Hopeful

“..I know that I should be looking for more.. what could it be in you I see?.. what could it be?.. oh oh oh love, oh love, stop making a fool of me.. ..silly of me to think that you could ever know the things I do are all done for you.. only for you.. ..foolish of me to tell them all that every night and day you call, when you could care less..”

Now Playing 12.30.09

Music is a major outlet for me. When I feel a certain way that I don’t care to express outwardly, I let the music “speak” for/to me. This is my escape. My understanding. A place I can call my own. Then I write…

  1.  The Climb – Miley Cyrus
  2. Bitch – Meredith Brooks
  3. Just Like A Pill – P!nk
  4. Hero – Mariah Carey
  5. Killing Me Softly – The Fugees
  6. Houstatlantavegas* – Drake
  7. Boulevard of Broken Dreams* – Green Day
  8. You Were Meant For Me – Jewel
  9. Stop Falling – P!nk
  10. Disappear – Beyonce
  11. Lucky* – Britney Spears
  12. Family Portrait – P!nk
  13. H.A.T.E.U. – Mariah Carey
  14. Obvious – Christina Aguilera
  15. Paparazzi – Lady Gaga
  16. Hands – Jewel
  17. Don’t Let Me Get Me* – P!nk
  18. Reflection – Christina Aguilera

*these songs stand out the most

Thinking About the 90s

Maybe it’s the 80s baby in me, but… I miss the 90s! I was listening to an old 98 degrees song (don’t judge me) and it took me back. It doesn’t take much to take me back though. Those were the days where I would tape the MTV countdowns of the same videos 5 times over, even if I caught it from the middle. When Hits from the Street was funny and I used to actually learn interesting things from VH1’s Pop Up Video. This is when BET was a lot less coonish, but still coonish all the more (don’t deny it). I was in love with N’Sync, Spice Girls, Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys (Nick), Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, DMX, DragOn, Eve, Jadakiss, Biggie, Pac, Jay-Z, All Saints, Foxy Brown, Eminem, Suspense None the Richer, Limp Bizkit, Paula Cole, Natalie Imbruglia, Busta Rhymes, Ma$e, Cam’ron, Beanie Sigel, Mya, Brandy, Dru Hill (Nokio), Monica, Green Day, Toni Braxton, 702, Aaliyah, Bone Thugs & Harmony, and a hosts of others simultaneously! My music collection is even more eclectic today lol.

These were days when tv actually interested me. I miss Doug, Rugrats, Eureka’s Castle, Recess, Under the Umbrella Tree, Snorks, Barney, Lamb Chop, Jetsons, Flintstones, all my Disney movies and so on. I used to rush home to watch Sweet Valley High, Sister Sister, Moesha, Full House, Step By Step, Smart Guy, Martin, Hangin’ Wit Mr. Cooper, and I can’t think of what else. This was when The Real World was more real. When Lil Kim looked human. This is when I would argue down (and win) with any elementary school kid that the WWF was real! My brother used to break it down for me as to who was who by dividing the good guys from the bad guys (i.e. Shawn Micahels = Good Guy, The Undertaker = Bad Guy) and I loved them both, but Bret Hart was my fave!

I remember playing hide and seek in the projects and hiding all over, in people yards, near the highway, behind dumpsters, wherever! All those relay races and other aggressive games were worth some of the scars I still have to this day (tom boy days). Everything just seemed to be fun. Maybe because I was a young bol, more than likely so, but it is good to reminisce. Since I was maybe 5 years old, we have stayed in every hotel and motel on or near the boardwalk of Atlantic City to the point that I pass up free rooms today because I am AC’d out lol! We used to make up tv shows, dances, songs, did drill team, play: red light/green light, mother may I, catch a girl freak a girl, curb ball, double dutch, MASH, make fortune tellers (and believe them), tell creepy stories, played on people’s phones, fly down the stairs on mattresses and blankets, make tents out of our bunk beds, blackmail each other, play Mario, Sonic, NBA Jams, called the psychic hotline and many other foolish things. I remember in middle school following the almost weekly trends that faded as fast as our boyfriend/girlfriend relationships like: giga pets, pokemon cards, pacifiers, spinning tops, jacks, yo yos (all these things became hustles, a business, and also for trade lol). I met people that I still know to this day and it actually makes me feel kinda old to be able to say I’ve known people for over 15 years lol. These were all the things that were the bright side of my world. I just had to get that out of my system!

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, one of the most important questions in my world was: Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? Once upon a time, to start a story this way brought excitement, a good type of anxiety. Where is this going? Where is this coming from? I’m glad you wondered! We all have those moments when we stop and think “when did it all change and life get so complicated?” I was babysitting my 6 year old sister a few days ago and watching her partially inspired this topic, but not only her, but children and their mentality in general.

Fantasy Land? My sister and I were walking down the street and there was snow out (we had somewhat of a blizzard recently). She was singing and hopping around in the snow, in her own little world. I thought to myself how some parents would have probably told her to cut it out before she falls or gets dirty or something, but when I watch her I tend to let her wonder and wander. I understand that she is a child and that is just what they do, even if it’s annoying to me, I won’t rob her of those moments (at least I try not to).

As all these thoughts flowed through my mind, I almost instantly began to compare our worlds. She doesn’t have a worry or care in the world because she trusts those around her to protect, provide, and help her if she needed. She knows her limits will be given to her if need be, so her plans aren’t much until those limits are close.  It made me think, “when did it all change?” For example,  if she fell, she probably wouldn’t care, but would just get up and brush herself off. She hasn’t properly met embarrassment yet. Whereas an adult would wonder who saw that. I realize children tend to be fearless, because they don’t understand the world yet and how it works.

“Dreams used to be shared with any who would listen, now they are kept close by or else they might be murdered by the dream killers, also known as the hopeless” -TV

I remember when I thought my part of the city was all there was to the world. I remember being maybe 3 or 4 years old thinking that 52nd Street (in West Philadelphia) was the most crowded and busiest place ever! Everything and everyone seemed so big and fascinating! I remember having heroes, whether it was on television (Power Rangers, Lamp Chop, or my favorite WWF wrestlers) or the adults “the big people” in my life. It seemed like they knew it all, as if they had all the answers to everything I didn’t understand. And I’m sure I annoyed them the same way my sister tends to annoy me with questions. I understand she doesn’t properly understand sarcasm yet so I let her slide.. a lot!

There were days when I didn’t look over my shoulder because I didn’t know I needed to. Everything and everyone was some kind of pure and had good in them according to my logic. Forgiveness was instant. Friendship was forever. Later took forever. Poverty promoted creativity not awareness.  Okay meant now. Mother May I was a game. Water plugs weren’t for fires, but to play in. It was literally “all good”. The good old days I would say. Though those good old days lasted up to about 5 years old… that is when the world got real!

In short, I learned how to keep secrets, how to lie, what rejection felt like, pain, manipulation and a host of other things that I had no idea what to do with. There was all of this new information, all of these new pieces I had no idea as to how to put it together. Naturally confusion became a big part of my world of discovery. Things weren’t as simple anymore and no one told me why. I keep this in mind when I think to myself that a child is asking me a “stupid question” and dismiss my thoughts and try to break down the world to them in a way that they could understand. I reminisce about key points in my life where things got too real for TV (Takesha Victoria that is lol) and I didn’t understand. These things were a little more than an earthquake for me. It made me question who I was and now who I am and why.

“Tired of injustice. Tired of the schemes. The lies are disgusting. So what does it mean? Kicking me down. I got to get up. As jacked as it sounds. The whole system sucks.. -Michael Jackson “Scream”

“Look at me.. you may think you see who I really am, but you’ll never know me.. every day, is as if I play a part.. now I see If I wear a mask I can fool the world, but I can not fool my heart..” -Christina Aguilera “Reflection”

Reality Bites? So here I am wrestling with “who I am“in a lost world. Though I do maintain some fairly solid foundations, there is much building to do. I’m getting the better parts of my child-likeness back. I am regaining my desire to explore, forgive now, being a friend forever (even if it isn’t reciprocal), attempting to grasp fearlessness again even after all I have been through. I refuse to place blame in my past, but learn from what I know and have known.

Circumstances are constantly changing and in many cases they tend to be unfortunate, so I make the best of unpleasant situations and move on. I realize my travels will be great and their isn’t much need for baggage outside of my luggage. I’m determined to make “once upon a time” something to look forward to again instead of it being said with a sigh of loss of what once was. I know that in order for this to happen, I have to constantly stay true to myself regardless of what is going on around me and the pressures of this world.

“..you’re sellin’ out souls, but I care about mine.. ..with such confusion, don’t it make you wanna scream? your bash abusin’ victimize within the scheme..you try to cope with every lie they scrutinize..somebody please have mercy ’cause I just can’t take it, stop pressurin’ me..” -Janet Jackson “Scream”

-Signed, and she lived happily ever after

“..back when ‘I don’t know, maybe‘ was an acceptable answer..”

Matters of the Heart: Can You Handle This?

I wanted to blog about anything but this topic… love/relationships. It’s the very thing that finds its way in and out of my thoughts throughout the day that I simply don’t want to bother with.. Why? I’m glad you asked (for once), because I get that question more than I’d prefer. And by that, I mean the “where’s your boyfriend at?/why don’t you have a man?” question. For starters, I would like to acknowledge the fact that..

“I don’t need a man to complete me, but to compliment me (and by that I don’t mean terms of endearment)”

So let’s address this question: Why am I voluntarily single? Why have I temporarily quit on this thing called love? I will give my top 3 reasons:

  1. I’m only 22! I cannot lie. I used to want to be married young and get out of this “dating game” and just have my one to give my all to. This is still something I want, but then I think about the vision I have for my future and a relationship would complicate that right now. I’m not a part-time “lover” lol… but seriously, with the goal of marriage being the purpose of any romance, I believe marriage is the highest relationship you can have with any human being on this earth, which means, my little pleasures would have to take a back seat. I don’t mind that, but I realize I don’t want to give that up right now. I still need to get a better grip onto who I am and what I like/want… I want to be a whole person for the man I marry and I expect the same.
  2. I’m still in recovery. Just like anybody else, I’ve had some heartaches and major disappointments, so I’m not exactly trying to be shopping for my next ex-boyfriend. I’ve been through a lot in life in general at very early stages that have had greater long-term impact than I’d thought. I am evaluating some choices I’ve made in the past (and present) to hopefully make my future a little smoother. I realize I give… a lot and possibly on the dating level, maybe I have given too much. The funny thing is, even in all that past giving, that isn’t even the half of it… Mr. E man, you have no idea what you are in for lol! Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to anyone to hop from relationship to relationship, feelings and attachments don’t just suddenly drop for me so I don’t move on until I have really moved on. Fortunately, I can say I have moved on from all my past relationships and can honestly wish them well.
  3. I honestly don’t think I have encountered anyone that can handle me. I know the first thought would be to think that was a sexual reference… not necessarily. I realize I have a lot to offer and also much going for me. I would not dare waste that on someone who shouldn’t be apart of that. On the more “negative” side of that statement, I also realize that I am a handful, not in a crazy way, but I just am lol. I need somebody that doesn’t do what most have been good at doing, which is leaving. I know when it’s for real, I willingly walk through the fire.

So what am I doing in the meantime? Living it up (lol). Trying not to be anxious in looking for “him” and trying not to be possessive over the “hims” that don’t belong to me. I’m learning how to really be a friend, especially since I want to marry my best friend, so I figure if someone is intimidated by being in the “friend zone”, that is more than I need to know (red flag!). I’m adjusting to being comfortable in my own skin and embracing my flaws in the midst of trying to figure out this thing we call life. So I would just encourage you all out there that may be in the same boat to not make emotional decisions to satisfy fickle feelings and temporal loneliness that may go beyond a male/female companion, because there are many lonely people in relationships/marriages. Don’t be a zombie and try to act as if you aren’t a human being though, it’s natural to feel and want these things. Don’t settle for “right now” but expect forever. Know your worth. Keep your faith/values. Be encouraged!

-Signed, Crazy/Beautiful

“…she lives in a mindset that you could never move to…” -Drake

“One for sorrow, two for joy.. sometimes you win or sometimes you lose. I don’t wanna lose you, don’t even own you. I just wanna stay right here until never dawns yeah” -Corinne Bailey Rae

Don’t awaken love before its time (Song of Solomon)