Archive for the ‘ Friends ’ Category

Pinocchio Story

I got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes, hate in my heart, love in my mind. I seen nights full of pain, days of the same. You keep the sunshine, save me the rain. I search, but never find, hurt but never cry. I work and forever try, but I’m cursed so never mind. And it’s worse but better times seem further and beyond. The top gets higher, the more that I climb. The spot gets smaller and I get bigger. Trynna get in where I fit in, no room for a nigga, but soon for a nigga it be on motherf*cka, ’cause all this bullsh*t, it made me strong motherf*cka (Lil Wayne). This year of 2010 has been a major turning point in my world. A lot of things occurred that changed my life forever, for better and better off (no worse). It took some time, but (despite my dislike for clichés) this happened for my good. Where I want to be needs the foundation my life has laid already. I needed to go through these things. I needed to lose want I lost to gain what I got. I realize when you have great aspirations then most likely the barriers to reaching your dream may be as big as your passions. This is not for the weak-minded. This is not for the easily influenced. This the life that everybody ask for (Kanye), but the cost is great.

…let’s trade shoes just to see what it’d be like to feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each other’s mind just to see what we find, look at sh*t through each other’s eyes, but don’t let ’em say you ain’t beautiful, they can all get f*cked, just stay true to you… ” -Eminem

Bittersweet Symphony. Lately I’ve been hard to reach, I’ve been too long on my own. Everybody has a private world where they can be alone (Eminem). I have had some very low points this year that I mostly kept to myself. Sometimes life gets so convoluted and arduous that you wish you can hit the reset button, pause it, skip a board or possibly not play at all. I’m no inspirational/motivational speaker so you’re not gonna get the “you can do it and don’t give up” speech from me, because in all honestly, that may not be your story. Not everybody wins. Not everybody tries. Not everybody perseveres. The life you’re living is the life you chose after a certain point in your life. Our circumstances are typically out of our control, but we are not powerless despite how it seems sometimes.

“and promoters try to get me out to their clubs and expect me to have fun, but I can’t imagine how… …and everybody talk and everybody listen, but somehow the truth just always comes up missing…” -Drake

Lost Ones. This has been a year of great distance for me. I have come a long way and have taken much time to grow up. There has also been other sorts of distance that isn’t so pleasant. But time don’t back it goes forward, can’t run from the pain go towards it, some things can’t be explained, what caused it (Jay-Z). I’ve distanced myself from people I would have never dreamed of “losing” (especially both of my parents), but sometimes you have to do what you need to do. Outsiders always think they know something and it’s usually the furthest from the truth. I could care less about those opinions because very few people know me. I just couldn’t pretend everything was okay anymore. Read between the lines ‘what’s f*cked up’ and ‘everything’s alright (Green Day). I’m not the type of person that cannot take being wrong (anymore). At times you could be right in a room full of wrongs and begin to question yourself. That’s what I compare some of those losses to. However, it is what it is and won’t be what it was anymore. Moving along…

“…naw, you wouldn’t understand…” -Biggy

Chemical Romance. People say I’ve got my hands in too many things, keeping time with paupers just as well as kings (Teena Marie). I find this to be one of the greatest oxymoronic aspects of my life. I love ‘love’ yet want nothing to do with it. I’m trying to learn to separate what I want from what I see; what is realistic from what is not sensible. I look at my parents’ relationships, grandparents, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, cousins, friends and distant strangers. I typically find myself wondering, did you get into a relationship because you’re sick of being alone or that’s truly the one you wanted? I don’t want to be one of those people that settle for someone that either looks good on paper or is merely around. I think I’m too much. I think too much. [I] live in a mindset that [you] could never move to (Drake). What I want is very simple. ‘Will I get it?’ is the puzzling question that I will leave alone until whenever it needs to be tried. Moving along…

Everyday Struggle. I am still in the transitional phase of finding where I fit in this world, looking for where I want to be and figuring out how I’ll get there. I’m okay with being lost sometimes now. I’ve accepted not having all of the answers, especially since I don’t have all of the questions. Not getting what I want and reminding myself that I’m not a kid anymore is a challenge that I very well need and combat with. I know how it feel to wake up f*cked up (Biggy). I’ve learned not to dwell on things/situations/people I cannot change and to build a bridge and get over it. Easier said than done is what many will say, but most of those people haven’t even tried. Y’all don’t know my struggle, you can’t match my hustle, you can’t catch my hustle, you can’t fathom my love dude (Kanye). I’m at the stage in my life where I’d say I am learning to eat my vegetables and seeing what’s good for me. Though I sometimes (most times) knowingly choose the wrong things, at least I know better. Sometimes (most times) I have to stand alone on some things, but the results are far more worth it. You always gon’ need somebody, but all you got is yourself (Jadakiss). Everyone will never understand you or me nor the decisions we make. Maybe they aren’t supposed to. Maybe some of your dreams ought to be a secret. Others’ input can be dangerous at times. This is my life homie, you decide yours (Kanye). I won’t say that I’ll live everyday as if it were my last, because that would be pure chaos, but I do encourage you to learn yourself and to live forward; we only get one shot at life.

“respect the game, that should be it, what you eat don’t make me sh*t” -Jay-Z

“…talkin’ bullsh*t as if it was for you to know and I don’t have the heart to give these b*tch niggaz the cue to go, so they stick around, kicking out feedback and I entertain it is if I need that…” -Drake

-Signed, Miss Solo Dolo


“…I tell the truth, but I keep runnin’…”

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That Was Yesterday

There’s this line from a song by 50 Cent where he says, “if it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have luck” there are many times in my life that I have felt like that was the gist of my world. Why am I saying this? I’m glad you wondered (lol)! I have come to a point in my life where I refuse to dwell on things and especially people that I cannot change. If my power is limited then so is my concern in a sense. By this I mean, I won’t stress myself out over things that are truly out of my hands. All I can be is there at times.

“…I could really use a wish right now…” -B.O.B.

I always loved the quote by Ghandi, “be the change you want to see in the world”. In my experience, those that have taken such a statement and ran with it added a possibly subconscious expectation to Ghandi’s words. Just because you choose to be the change you want to see in the world does not mean that everyone else will. As simple as it sounds, it is a difficult reality for some people to accept. I notice this in every type of relationship. Some people are tick for tack with everything and will not let you forget that you “owe them one”. There’s this episode The Office where Dwight goes out of his way to do favors for people that they didn’t ask for just so that he can say that they owe him one (http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/video/double-date-clip-two/1173102/ <–clip link). Though it was a funny scene, the reality is that there are many than live this way. As I already stated, you can never expect for other people to do what you would have done, how you would have done it or to think as you do. It is unfair, unrealistic, and immature.

“…a friend once said, which I found to be true, that every day people, they lie to God too, so what makes you think that they won’t lie to you?…” -Lauryn Hill

There’s A Difference. At times people will say that they feel unappreciated, which is common. Others will say they have been taken for granted and they might be right. My issue comes in where people say that they have been taken advantage of. I don’t understand how any fully able adult can say that of a person over periods of time and still think they are the victim. I do not throw pity parties. If you choose to allow people to take your kindness for weakness and any of the like, that io\s your own decision. The saying goes “fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me”.

I realize that sometimes people cling to poisonous relationships for multiple reasons and a lot of the time it’s loneliness or they are afraid of losing someone. Though it is surely understandable and I can empathize, however, it is not an excuse. It is a choice and will always be a choice. No matter what, we always have a choice in this life, the options may not be to our liking, but we can always choose something! Consequences may also very.

“It may not be a choice you like, but it is a choice.” -Michelle Pfeiffer, Dangerous Minds

“We must never claim that our relationships with others do not affect us deeply: they do” -Dr. Larry Crabb

At some point, one has to take responsibility for both what and who you allow in your life. You can’t play the victim forever and you can’t live in past glories forever. My old pastor used to give the example of people that maybe won awards or were very successful at some point and how they live in yester-year most likely because they haven’t done anything beyond that one thing since then. That is a sad existence and I wish it on no one.

“…one shot to your heart without breaking your skin, no one can the power to hurt you like you kin/friends…” -India.Arie

I hope that everyone realizes that even though some people may promise you forever, this does not always happen. That can be painful, especially with those closest to you, but it’s a matter of learning how to let go of people who do not want to be kept. That doesn’t mean you can’t care about them anymore. This also doesn’t mean for you to walk through like with a rain cloud over your head and take your frustrations out on those who have done you no harm. There are healthier ways to grieve and let go of a lost relationship. Some things in life you may never get over, but there are ways to manage that as well.

“…in this life we all know that friends may come and they may go, but through it all I know I will stay…” -John Legend

There are three thoughts I hope you take from this: 1) Be mindful of what is actually going on around you before you attempt to play the victim when there are alternatives to your predicament 2) Let your present accomplishments overshadow your past everything 3) Don’t dwell over things you have no control over. It is a given that in life people will hurt us in different ways and a majority of the time it will be those you love the most. I have learned that usually when something bad happens to me (which is more often than not lol), it might get to me at the moment, but typically by the next day (at the latest) I’m fine for the most part. I think to myself, “that was yesterday, I can’t do anything about yesterday”.

“When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. ” -TD Jakes

-Signed, I wish you well


“…when the dark clouds arise, I will stay by your side… I know we’ll be alright… I will stay you…”

Who Cares?

Since the beginning of time there have always been a faithful few and the majority has typically been wrong. It made me think about this when it comes to me meeting new people. If you know me, you already know I am a very curious person in every sense of the word, and I am also very clumsy. I am always open to trying something new in most cases, especially when it comes to people, I have this strange curiosity about relationships and how they work, don’t feel offended that I observe you my dear lab rats (lol). I love meeting people that I can meet as a young adult and still technically grow up together in a sense. On the other side of my excitement in coming into contact with new faces is the reality of who will stick and who won’t. It makes me wish I had thicker skin at times.

What Are You Intentions? At this point in my life I always tell people that all I have to offer anyone is friendship for a plethora (I love that word) of reasons. The funny thing is in some cases it has a negative impression when it shows that I actually mean what I say. At times I am a little apprehensive because you can notice certain things and hope that you’re wrong (which you usually aren’t) and have to come to grips with the reality that everyone’s intentions for getting to know you are not sincere. I’m one of those people that operate like “just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t know.”

 

“I can’t tell who I should trust or just who I let trust me” -TLC

There’s Something About “Mary”. Sometimes I joke with people by saying I feel like the female version of “Good Luck Chuck” in a different kind of way. It’s almost like a curse when it comes to attempting befriending guys. I don’t want to go into specifics on that, so I will just leave that for another conversation.

“It’s like every chick I deal with, I can never ever keep it real with, they would rather feel that instead of catching feelings” -Dosage

Faithful Few. I always say I have about 2.5 friends (lol). Though the word gets used loosely in regular conversation, when it comes down to a consistent “track record” and daily life. I’m not impressed nor moved by numbers, because when I took the time and effort to really see what it is like to really be a friend, it is work and I don’t have that for 25 people, especially ones that aren’t putting in that same effort. I have learned not to take them for granted and I hope I never will. I’ve always kind of said to myself that you can never really love somebody until you can love them when they make you hate them. In other words, if the friendship hasn’t been tested or challenged in some sort of way, or if an argument can end things, it wasn’t a friendship from the start. Relationships are complex. In the words of Eminem “so what’s a little fight, tomorrow you’ll be boys again.”

“When your falling apart I pick up each piece, and build a wall around your dream.” -Sade

“Friends may come and friends may go, but you should know that, that I’ve got your back, it’s automatic” -Brandy

-Signed, Sincerely

“..I met him when I was a little girl he gave.. he gave me poetry and he was my first.. ..love of my life, you are my friend..”

Is Anything You’re Doing Brand New?

This post is so personal that I’m just gonna give y’all words. No pictures, just real heartfelt words. We are all teachers whether we know it or like it or not. We teach people about ourselves. Regardless of what we say, which also teaches if we keep to our word, people learn of primarily by our choice/course of action. The things I am about to mention are only from the world through my eyes. Things I have witnessed and/or experienced on some level. Something I am very passionate about, to the point that I don’t even understand it is relationships. Interaction, reaction, communication, miscommunication, ups, downs, smooth beginnings, rough endings, endurance, commitments, and so on. For some reason relationships of all kind fascinate me. It’s interesting that the type of relationship that attracts me most is the one I’m most hesitant in pursuing which is love. In my world there is a majority of men that don’t know how to be men and women that don’t know how to be women. They may not have told me this verbatim, but they show me this explicitly. What follows is just a snap shot of my life in its entirety as far as influence is concerned in this area. The sad thing is, these things are not just a thing of the past, but is still very prevalent, if not worse. The more unfortunate part is majority of the following is within my family.

What I learned from women: Complain about how you feel to everyone, but the one who is actually your problem. Look for things you know you don’t want to know about or see. Cover up for him if he hits you because you can’t let him go. There is nothing worse in the world than to be without a man, even if it is at the expense of my children’s safety, time, and/or feelings. In order to get a guy’s attention, sometimes you have to sell yourself a little cheap. If I trap him with this baby, he will have to stay or he’ll have to pay for it. It’s okay to be second, third or even the fourth woman in his life, just as long as I’m apart of his world. I will settle, even if it means I am miserable. Sex is all I have to bargain with, that’s what will make him stay. Even if I have to hurt myself, I need his attention. I’m not worth working nor waiting for. It isn’t considered prostituting myself because we are both getting what we want. I don’t care if this baby isn’t his, he’s paying for this abortion. I don’t care if my kids are with me, if I see that b*tch he’s f*ckin’, then it’s on. TI didn’t want to do this and I said no, but it wasn’t rape, and I don’t want him to go. He doesn’t see how much I cry and he won’t, because that means he wins. He makes me feel worthless, I can’t leave him now because I believe it. Well at least he isn’t as bad as “so-and-so’s” man.

What I learned from men: If she lets me get away with it once when I’m caught, then she always will. When trouble comes, I’m out. I don’t care how what I do affects you or my daughters, it’s about what I want. I don’t care if that’s her best friend, I want to try her too. If I hit her, I will take her to the hospital because I love her and will hang my head when the doctor asks why she’s here. I think I love you, but I don’t respect you. It is never okay to say I don’t know what I’m doing or that I’m scared. I never have to change if she accepts it, I don’t need to grow up. I will make a great effort in the beginning to reel her in, then it’s whatever I want. Any woman can be bought. There will always be at least one woman on the side. Why work for anything when others will give it up for free? I lie because the truth requires me to take responsiblity for my actions and choices. I have no staying power. Women are things. Any conversation I pursue with a female will be about her body and/or sex. I’ll come home when I feel like it, it doesn’t matter who is worried. If she doesn’t give me what I want in the time I feel she should, I’m gone. I really don’t need a reason to walk out.

“…where’s love? other than inside of my mind.. I’m trynna find peace in this lifetime.. ..tired of being treated like a cute little thing with no brain..” – R-Swift

Ball of Confusion. A question that I get very frequently and consistently is “why don’t you have a boyfriend?” and the above has a great amount of reason to do with that. I have blogged about this question specifically before so if you’d like, check out “Matters of the Heart: Can You Handle This –> http://wp.me/pw1qn-1i

I have no role models. I do know that I don’t want to be a repeat of any of these things. I won’t say that sometimes it isn’t tempting to be this way because it requires less effort, but it’s just not me. My hope is to teach my possible future children what a woman is and that they’re father would show them what a man is. That my husband will teach my little girl that she doesn’t have to settle for a “boy” that thinks her body is right and act as if she owes him something. My hope is he instill a worth and standards in her, that she only consider a young man that will love her appropriately. My hope is he would show my son how to value and cherish a woman’s worth, to protect his sister and to respect his mother always. That I play my role as well and end this destructive cycle that has polluted my world view.

I am always the first to say to a guy that’s interested in me that just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t know or notice anything. I give people a fair shot, but am very aware of the signs, even in the smallest areas that challenge character and show me truly what kind of person they are.

Skim the Book. We have all heard “don’t judge a book by its cover,” yet we all do. Some of us are honestly not interested in any sort of “reading” at all, but I feel as though it is at least fair to skim the pages with some people, because nobody does anything for no reason. I challenge you all when you first meet people to ask them about their family, parents and who had major impact on their life whether good or bad, because chances are those people had a lot to do with why the person does certain things or maybe doesn’t do certain things. Sometimes we get too quickly and easily offended that we don’t attempt to figure people out a little bit. We walk around as if we don’t have the ability to long-suffer or short-suffer people, but are selfishly seeking instant gratification then on to whatever else is in our path. I challenge you all to push yourselves beyond your comfort zone. This generation claims to “not be like everyone else” but do what everyone else does. So ask yourself, “is anything you’re doing brand new?”

-Signed, Hesitant

“..like I ain’t tell you from day one, I ain’t sh*t, when it comes to relationships, I don’t have the patience.. ..I’m still young and I aint ready.. ..this is ugly, ___ please don’t love me.. ..soon you’ll understand..” – Jay-Z

“..Hold on, I’m not really trying to go through this again,
I’m not jumpin up and down about lovin (excuse me if)
I don’t wanna dive back in to that pool of love, I’m done swimming I’m done,
See I don’t feel like getting to know you,
What you like to eat,
What you like to do,
See that’s too much information to deal with,
Play the love game with another cuz I quit..”

“..Can you forgive me, I know it might sound crazy,
But right now my hearts a little lazy,
Tired of opening up tired of caring,
I don’t feel like lovin you, don’t feel like lovin you,
Can you forgive me, I know it might sound crazy,
But who knew love could be so draining..”

Bridge:

Throwing Shade

There is a battle going on within one people. There are actually several battles between this one people. Who are these people? Black people. Which battle am I referring to this time? Complexion. Why? Ask yourself, because I am not too certain myself. This is an unfortunate reality.

The Battle of Complexions. Light skin. Brown skin. Dark skin. What’s “better“? Who “wins“? We discriminate harshly against ourselves because of color, yet demand equality in the world. How oxymoronic. How can we step forward if we are standing still? There are people who despise people who involve themselves with other black people of a certain complexion. For example, if your mother is dark skin and you, the son, is dark skin, your mother may be offended if you bring a “red bone” girl home. And it works all other types of ways causing unnecessary drama among our people.

Should It Really Matter? I don’t think skin tone should matter. Yes, I have preferences as far as who I am attracted to, but guess what, I didn’t start my criteria there, in fact skin tone isn’t in my criteria. The heart wants what it wants. Technically I have never had my alleged “type”, not even complexion wise. Why? Because it never really happened that way and I’m not pressed about it. There is so much more to value in people than that. I challenge you to ask yourself a few questions:

  1. When you were a child, did skin tone matter in who you played with?
  2. Does skin tone matter now?
  3. Are you impartial to a certain skin tone?

I didn’t ask those questions looking for a right or wrong answer, but to provoke thought. That is why I write. Not to sway anyone, but that you think something, even if it’s that my blog sucks (lol). At least you took the time to read it to find that out. I find that when you unfairly discriminate, you miss out on people. Whether it is because of complexion, social status, style, personality, whatever it is. You could be passing up a good friend or maybe more because you decided not to give somebody a chance.

This picture is just a snippet of people in my world. Some have been around forever, some are very new. There are some that may be around for a season, others a lifetime. How did they get there? Several different ways. It had nothing to do with the skin tone they were born with either and it didn’t matter then and it doesn’t matter now. I can confidently say that for me, it will never matter.

I have a big family, about 13 siblings, and four of my sisters are light skin. I never saw it as a big deal growing up. We all got treated the same, except for Jas, she got special treatment (smh) for other reasons lol. It wasn’t until I got older and began to see the world that I saw that the world “separated” us in a sense. I didn’t let it affect my relationships with my family though, but I was definitely made aware. I’m not color blind. I realize we look different, and then what? I don’t think we should stay at the obvious point. I use the term “throwing shade” a lot, and unfortunately it seems like as a unit we are using shade to throw shade at each other. What do you think?

-Signed, I’m just me

Thinking About the 90s

Maybe it’s the 80s baby in me, but… I miss the 90s! I was listening to an old 98 degrees song (don’t judge me) and it took me back. It doesn’t take much to take me back though. Those were the days where I would tape the MTV countdowns of the same videos 5 times over, even if I caught it from the middle. When Hits from the Street was funny and I used to actually learn interesting things from VH1’s Pop Up Video. This is when BET was a lot less coonish, but still coonish all the more (don’t deny it). I was in love with N’Sync, Spice Girls, Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys (Nick), Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, DMX, DragOn, Eve, Jadakiss, Biggie, Pac, Jay-Z, All Saints, Foxy Brown, Eminem, Suspense None the Richer, Limp Bizkit, Paula Cole, Natalie Imbruglia, Busta Rhymes, Ma$e, Cam’ron, Beanie Sigel, Mya, Brandy, Dru Hill (Nokio), Monica, Green Day, Toni Braxton, 702, Aaliyah, Bone Thugs & Harmony, and a hosts of others simultaneously! My music collection is even more eclectic today lol.

These were days when tv actually interested me. I miss Doug, Rugrats, Eureka’s Castle, Recess, Under the Umbrella Tree, Snorks, Barney, Lamb Chop, Jetsons, Flintstones, all my Disney movies and so on. I used to rush home to watch Sweet Valley High, Sister Sister, Moesha, Full House, Step By Step, Smart Guy, Martin, Hangin’ Wit Mr. Cooper, and I can’t think of what else. This was when The Real World was more real. When Lil Kim looked human. This is when I would argue down (and win) with any elementary school kid that the WWF was real! My brother used to break it down for me as to who was who by dividing the good guys from the bad guys (i.e. Shawn Micahels = Good Guy, The Undertaker = Bad Guy) and I loved them both, but Bret Hart was my fave!

I remember playing hide and seek in the projects and hiding all over, in people yards, near the highway, behind dumpsters, wherever! All those relay races and other aggressive games were worth some of the scars I still have to this day (tom boy days). Everything just seemed to be fun. Maybe because I was a young bol, more than likely so, but it is good to reminisce. Since I was maybe 5 years old, we have stayed in every hotel and motel on or near the boardwalk of Atlantic City to the point that I pass up free rooms today because I am AC’d out lol! We used to make up tv shows, dances, songs, did drill team, play: red light/green light, mother may I, catch a girl freak a girl, curb ball, double dutch, MASH, make fortune tellers (and believe them), tell creepy stories, played on people’s phones, fly down the stairs on mattresses and blankets, make tents out of our bunk beds, blackmail each other, play Mario, Sonic, NBA Jams, called the psychic hotline and many other foolish things. I remember in middle school following the almost weekly trends that faded as fast as our boyfriend/girlfriend relationships like: giga pets, pokemon cards, pacifiers, spinning tops, jacks, yo yos (all these things became hustles, a business, and also for trade lol). I met people that I still know to this day and it actually makes me feel kinda old to be able to say I’ve known people for over 15 years lol. These were all the things that were the bright side of my world. I just had to get that out of my system!

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, one of the most important questions in my world was: Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? Once upon a time, to start a story this way brought excitement, a good type of anxiety. Where is this going? Where is this coming from? I’m glad you wondered! We all have those moments when we stop and think “when did it all change and life get so complicated?” I was babysitting my 6 year old sister a few days ago and watching her partially inspired this topic, but not only her, but children and their mentality in general.

Fantasy Land? My sister and I were walking down the street and there was snow out (we had somewhat of a blizzard recently). She was singing and hopping around in the snow, in her own little world. I thought to myself how some parents would have probably told her to cut it out before she falls or gets dirty or something, but when I watch her I tend to let her wonder and wander. I understand that she is a child and that is just what they do, even if it’s annoying to me, I won’t rob her of those moments (at least I try not to).

As all these thoughts flowed through my mind, I almost instantly began to compare our worlds. She doesn’t have a worry or care in the world because she trusts those around her to protect, provide, and help her if she needed. She knows her limits will be given to her if need be, so her plans aren’t much until those limits are close.  It made me think, “when did it all change?” For example,  if she fell, she probably wouldn’t care, but would just get up and brush herself off. She hasn’t properly met embarrassment yet. Whereas an adult would wonder who saw that. I realize children tend to be fearless, because they don’t understand the world yet and how it works.

“Dreams used to be shared with any who would listen, now they are kept close by or else they might be murdered by the dream killers, also known as the hopeless” -TV

I remember when I thought my part of the city was all there was to the world. I remember being maybe 3 or 4 years old thinking that 52nd Street (in West Philadelphia) was the most crowded and busiest place ever! Everything and everyone seemed so big and fascinating! I remember having heroes, whether it was on television (Power Rangers, Lamp Chop, or my favorite WWF wrestlers) or the adults “the big people” in my life. It seemed like they knew it all, as if they had all the answers to everything I didn’t understand. And I’m sure I annoyed them the same way my sister tends to annoy me with questions. I understand she doesn’t properly understand sarcasm yet so I let her slide.. a lot!

There were days when I didn’t look over my shoulder because I didn’t know I needed to. Everything and everyone was some kind of pure and had good in them according to my logic. Forgiveness was instant. Friendship was forever. Later took forever. Poverty promoted creativity not awareness.  Okay meant now. Mother May I was a game. Water plugs weren’t for fires, but to play in. It was literally “all good”. The good old days I would say. Though those good old days lasted up to about 5 years old… that is when the world got real!

In short, I learned how to keep secrets, how to lie, what rejection felt like, pain, manipulation and a host of other things that I had no idea what to do with. There was all of this new information, all of these new pieces I had no idea as to how to put it together. Naturally confusion became a big part of my world of discovery. Things weren’t as simple anymore and no one told me why. I keep this in mind when I think to myself that a child is asking me a “stupid question” and dismiss my thoughts and try to break down the world to them in a way that they could understand. I reminisce about key points in my life where things got too real for TV (Takesha Victoria that is lol) and I didn’t understand. These things were a little more than an earthquake for me. It made me question who I was and now who I am and why.

“Tired of injustice. Tired of the schemes. The lies are disgusting. So what does it mean? Kicking me down. I got to get up. As jacked as it sounds. The whole system sucks.. -Michael Jackson “Scream”

“Look at me.. you may think you see who I really am, but you’ll never know me.. every day, is as if I play a part.. now I see If I wear a mask I can fool the world, but I can not fool my heart..” -Christina Aguilera “Reflection”

Reality Bites? So here I am wrestling with “who I am“in a lost world. Though I do maintain some fairly solid foundations, there is much building to do. I’m getting the better parts of my child-likeness back. I am regaining my desire to explore, forgive now, being a friend forever (even if it isn’t reciprocal), attempting to grasp fearlessness again even after all I have been through. I refuse to place blame in my past, but learn from what I know and have known.

Circumstances are constantly changing and in many cases they tend to be unfortunate, so I make the best of unpleasant situations and move on. I realize my travels will be great and their isn’t much need for baggage outside of my luggage. I’m determined to make “once upon a time” something to look forward to again instead of it being said with a sigh of loss of what once was. I know that in order for this to happen, I have to constantly stay true to myself regardless of what is going on around me and the pressures of this world.

“..you’re sellin’ out souls, but I care about mine.. ..with such confusion, don’t it make you wanna scream? your bash abusin’ victimize within the scheme..you try to cope with every lie they scrutinize..somebody please have mercy ’cause I just can’t take it, stop pressurin’ me..” -Janet Jackson “Scream”

-Signed, and she lived happily ever after

“..back when ‘I don’t know, maybe‘ was an acceptable answer..”