I Want It All, BUT…

It is my hope that every person on earth has a dream (no MLK, but maybe). I would hope that people want something out of life, although the ways to go about obtaining these things may vary, but again, my hope is that you want something. I began to think about the choices I have made and am making and the things I am working for. I find myself to be so excited about my future, career-wise, that at times I lose sight of other things that I also very much want. Maybe you’re in the same boat, maybe you have it figured out or maybe this wouldn’t apply to you because you simply do not care, but you’re reading this so we’re getting somewhere.

For the Love of… Money? Love? Ray-J? I tend to try to keep my plans rather private because I don’t want a lot of opinions or discouragement (I do that to myself enough). It is as if when your dreams begin to become a reality that it can get a little scary (for me at least). It’s a good yet intimidating sort of scary. However, the desire to “make it” in whatever that may be overshadows everything else. I found myself wondering if it is possible to have both love and success (especially for a woman and doubly especially for a black woman). I look at people who have “made it” financially and career-wise (which is subjective) and think how many real friends do they honestly have. I wonder how lonely they are. I wonder if they hate who they have become or if they have changed at all. I wonder if they have “sold-out”, lied, cheated or schemed to get to this point. And most importnantly, I wonder if they are truly happy.

“…even though it seems I have everything, I don’t want to be a lonely fool…” -Sisqo

It makes me wonder if it will truly be worth it. Is it wise to go for the thing that makes you not want to sleep because you’re living the dream or should you take the chance to “wait for love” that isn’t guaranteed, yet beautiful. I see the indefinite aspect of love to be beautiful in itself. The possibility, the struggles, the perseverance, the knowing someone and everything else involved. Not only is that a big job, but it’s also not a guaranteed position for everyone. That scares me. It also makes me think about all that I have seen in my dealings with men or have watched in my father. With knowing what I know, will it ever happen for me? It seems impossible in the sense that I do not want to settle (not that I’m picky), but just acknowledging that we live in a very different time from the grandparents that met and married at like 16 and lasted 60 years.

“…she knows there’s more to life but she’s scared of ending up alone…” -Drake

I find myself to be very observant and curious (take that how you want), but that’s what added to this topic. I’ll see couples that are completely unsatisfied in both each other and their careers, but they feel stuck so they stay together. I don’t want that. At times I think, why would God give me this big heart, the great desire to serve and just be good to another person if it’ll never happen for me? Am I supposed to be just the world’s greatest hostess or is it a wife in training spirit in me? Am I supposed to be the queen of hospitality or a loving mother or both? I don’t know. It’s scary to not know. It’s tough to not have control over that one thing. It makes me think about the movie Bruce Almighty where “God” (Morgan Freeman) gives Bruce (Jim Carrey) his power, but the two stipulations are that he can’t tell anyone that he is God and he can’t make anyone love him. To take that a little further, I think about God and how he doesn’t force us to love him, but in a sense “hopes” for it. Now I am not out to have a religious debate, that was more so personal (well this entire blog is), but I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

“It gets lonely at the top.” -Kanye West

-Signed, Forever Alone?

“…someone who will put up with the things loving me can bring and still be there to see us through…” -Musiq

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    • d “picklestick” white
    • February 10th, 2011

    I often wonder if its possible to have it all and I would like to think and hope it is but the more time that passes I only get more discouraged. Theres lots of food for thought in this blog

    • DoTSoN
    • February 10th, 2011

    I long ago decided I was just going to give all I could to friends family as well as others who deserve it (through random acts of kindness) while I persue my goals and if I find that ever elusive love thing in the process, I’m good. If not, my allis love wont be wasted.

    • haitian patty
    • February 14th, 2011

    this is a constant topic in my internal dialogue, I don’t do well with uncertainty either. being such a planner, when i realize i don’t have as much control as i thought i did, i get all freaked out. it’s definitely a scary thing to NOT know…but i think if we did know when, where, why, and the who’s of love it probably wouldn’t mean as much…

    as excited as i am for all the changes happening in my life, i’m probably just as equally scared. This part of my life is so unpredictable, i plan on doing great things and learning a lot about myself and developing in my career and all that good stuff. but deep down im pretty much scared shitless…

    so yeah i know how u feel. what i try to do as much as i can is focus on the things i can control but just remember to leave room for love when/if it happens…

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