Archive for November, 2010

Self-Sabotage

There are things that happen to us in life that are out of our hands, but there are also situations where we have power and play a significant role. Over the years I have become very aware of myself in several ways and one of those ways is how I sabotage myself whether it’s intentionally or realized after the fact. Part of me hates to write this because I’m using myself as an example, but I’m sure I’m not alone in my foolishness. I’m the type of person that it is difficult for me to really take in new people, but once I do it is a challenge to let them go. Especially when everyone gives the “I’m Different” speech, but everyone does what everyone else has done… Leave. Though I may never show it, this is my reality. I love hard and hurt even harder (pause lol).

The Miseducation of Kesh. It’s hard to finally build up the courage to be into someone and it seems as if the chase is over for them and you’re left there in your feelings (salty). I was always taught to be strong. Never let them think you care at all (Musiq). Though the chase ends on the guy’s part, it’s at that point that the chase begins on the female’s part, but he’s already on to the next one(s). It made me wonder why some of us women do this. Why do we go after men who are no longer after us. In my case I feel like a part of it is that never-ending father factor having its part. It made me wonder maybe it is this way because the first man your young heart tried to love didn’t want you either (whether he was around or not). And for others of us, it’s not as if mom made it any easier by being a positive example of what not settling looks like.

“We of the fatherless tribe love men differently” -Gina Loring (Def Poet)

Walking Oxymoron. Let’s place the emphasis on the moron. I wish I could change, I wish I could change, I wish I could stop doing the same old things (Robin Thicke). Though change is not impossible, it surely isn’t a 10-step program nor is there any easy button to press. To say that I have been through a lot is an understatement. I don’t consider past events to be an excuse for my actions, but they are definitely within my arsenal of destructive behaviors of pushing people away when they get close, attempting to seem unmoved by others’ actions, falling for the same type hoping it’ll be different, being terrified of ‘the nice guy’ (for good reason).

“Do you think you could fall for a woman like me? Cause I find it hard to trust, I need too much and I really don’t believe in love, no no” -Beyonce

“My heart’s at a low. I’m so much to manage. I think you should know that I’ve been damaged” -TLC

Handle With Care. I despise when people play with others’ feelings for sport without considering the unnecessary damage it’ll do. I’d rather hear “I’m not interested” than the countless lame excuses of “naw, it’s not even like that, I just been busy”. Actions show true intentions. We all make time for what and who we want. I’m an all or nothing type of person so I hate that game and I don’t play it with people. If you ain’t down to give me everything, just throw it away (P!nk). It bugs me when my time is wasted because I don’t get that back.

“In my life, there’s been heartache and pain. I don’t know if I can face it again” -Foreigner

“Don’t you go breaking my heart, stay for a while” -702

I wouldn’t say I’ve quit my interest in love. I just don’t know if I have the energy to gamble on it again (I always lose at gambling in general, how ironic lol). I hate to see what the losing side does, the friendships lost, the recovery period and the whole process. I don’t miss it and quite frankly would prefer to never experience it again, but it wouldn’t be living if I didn’t try. Cause I don’t want to lose you if you really really really care (TLC). I feel like I live in a world where people want everything for nothing. It as if the expectation is for me to be totally committed as if we didn’t just meet. When the sales pitch sounds too promising early on because of the hype, I tend to run for the hills. Hopefully one of these days I’ll stop running…

“Don’t expect me just to open up. Maybe I’m just a little scared. Please don’t tell me what you think I wanna hear” -P!nk

-Signed, It’s not you, it’s me (and maybe also you)

“…cuz I got time while [he] got freedom, cuz when a heart breaks no it don’t breakeven… …what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay?…” -The Script


“I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me” -Mariah Carey


“Don’t wanna start over again (cuz I’ve had enough). I don’t wanna hurt again (sorry I give up). I really know what I’m missin (pain and heartache). I’m tired of it cuz my eyes are stayin dry now. Don’t wanna let it another in (cuz I’m cool on that)… …Can you forgive me? I know it might sound crazy, but who knew love could be so draining? Tired of opening up. Tired of caring. I don’t feel like lovin’ you” -LeToya Luckett

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