Archive for September, 2010

Fearless

I don’t want to sleep, I’m dreaming,
A fantasy can’t compare to my reality,
I’m dreaming,
Not many can say that they are living their dream,
And I am truly living,
I’m alive.

I have survived and am surviving,
But not many survivors truly live,
I am a living survivor,
I am determined to make the world hear my story,
They can forget my face,
They could never know my name,
But they will know my story,
They will remember my words.

The prize is obvious,
My eyes are fixed on it,
But it is the journey I cherish,
The roads taken,
The failures,
The glimpses of hope,
The bad decisions to wisdom setting in,
Sometimes I won’t know where I am going,
I will always remember from where I came,
Without these, this road traveled is in vain.

Everything that I want is already mine,
For I am enduring doubt and disappointment,
Persevering through pain and hardship,
If I am stripped of everything,
I will have my faith and character,
I will never be left with nothing.

I refuse to live your typical life,
Refuse to have an average world,
I want nothing less than extraordinary,
I will not keep quiet,
I will not be silenced,
I don’t want to be famous,
I want to be great,
It is already worth it.

I will have a legacy,
I am a living legend,
No one can tell me otherwise,
The race is mine,
I will win,
I have to,
I can’t sleep until I do.

Mama’s Boyfriend

“You know it makes me unhappy, when brothas make babies and leave a young mother to be a pappy” -Tupac

Single mothers have become the norm for many of us. The reason and responsibility of this reality is not solely on one person. There are many children that grow up with people coming in and out of their lives as if there is a revolving door. If we fast forward to young adulthood from this sort of upbringing and (possible) instability we see the scars that will have broken or made these once innocent kids. Let me make the following clear before I go on: Not all experiences with step parents are negative. Not everyone that has had a bad experience with step parents continue the unfortunate cycle. What I am about to address is not limited to step fathers.

Mommy, Where Daddy Went? Some people have never met their fathers, others can count on their hands how many run-ins they’ve had with pop, and still others could say he was “around” as in knowing who he was. There are many mothers that have those heartbreaking conversations with their children trying to explain the absence of their father, attempting to make excuses for his excuses, doing their best to fill his shoes, but no matter what mom says, nothing takes away the question of “why didn’t he want me? why doesn’t he love me?” Some moms look at this as more reason to hurry in a male figure to try to fill a void that is already permanent unbeknown to mom.

“Look what was handed us. Fathers abandoned us… …Sometimes I feel no one in this world understands us” -Kanye West

Who’s That? In some situations, some of you can remember as a child that some guy kinda popped up and suddenly lived in your house and you can’t sleep in mom’s room anymore. Or for others, maybe this occurred on multiple occasions and you received no warning, explanation or support concerning mom’s decision. Maybe you were too young to understand so you didn’t understand the change in the current. Maybe it made you angry. Maybe you wanted things back to what they once were, because your world just got rocked and you’re wondering in your young mind “who’s that?”

Trust Factor. In some cases, some people get tired of their singleness and meet someone rather sporadically and they become daddy (or mommy). Suddenly a child is left alone with a stranger regularly. Another concern that comes along with these situations is that there are a lot of perverts in this world. There are many women and also men that can remember being violated in their childhood by someone that they were introduced to by someone they trusted.

Under the Influence. Children are like sponges, they absorb their surroundings. If children see fighting, violence, instability, addiction, and so on, that impacts them for life. The mentalities gained here could be used for betterment or a continuance of an unhealthy cycle. There is good reason for there to be two parents in a child’s life, because regardless of how much love a mother has in her heart, she could never teach her son to be a man, and to have another man that is just simply “around” doesn’t help much either. In some cases, boys grow up either hating or disrespecting women because of what they saw or were/weren’t taught. There are young girls giving their bodies and hearts to anyone that would take them because “daddy” wasn’t there to assure them of their worth in the way that only a father could.

“I remember being kicked out the house cuz I looked just like you… Said I’d be nothing but a crook just like you” -Beanie Sigel

It is understandable for a parent to desire companionship. It’s natural. It’s human. But there are others to take into consideration other than self when children are involved. Your children didn’t ask to be here and it’s not their fault nor their responsibility in regards to the circumstances you may be under. It is not their job to raise themselves either. Some parents do not consider the impact (or the dangers) of bringing a new significant (or insignificant) other into their child’s life for the sake of loneliness. Every relationship has risks, but I implore all (single) parents to really take into account who they bring into their children’s worlds.

-Signed, Cycle Ends Here

“You ain’t interested in me, you just trynna f*ck my mom” -Kanye West



“But you left me, now I’m goin to court just like you. I would say “my daddy loves me and he’ll never go away”. Bullsh*t, do you even remember December’s my birthday? Do you even remember the tender boy you turned into a cold young man?” -Jay-Z

I LIKE You!

Maybe it’s just me, but I used to think that without question that the three toughest words to say to another person was “I love you”. Maybe it’s just my personal experience. Lately it seems as if those three words have a close runner up as far as words that are tough to say in my world. I thought about this more as I watched one of my favorite movies, “Hitch” starring Will Smith. There are several powerful statements and points made in that movie and what I am about to discuss. First check out the clip from the movie that sparked this topic below.

(Start at 2:33 to 3:00)

Why does it seem so difficult to say “I like you” and mean it or to say it and the other person believe you and that’s it. There’s always this assumption of some sort of underlying meaning, hidden agenda, or the thought that it’s pure bs. Sometimes I just genuinely enjoy someone’s company, but if I say that it is usually taken a different way than I intended it. I try to be straight-forward by saying what I mean and meaning what I say because I don’t like to be confused so I try not to confuse others. It’s weird though, because if I tell someone I like them, it’s taken to “she wants a relationship” or the other extreme, which I call the Super Bad Complex, “oh she wants to put her mouth on or around my dick” (lol but seriously), when I only mean the three words I said.

“…yes, you can hold my hand if you want to, cuz I want to hold yours too” -Fergie

I notice that I can fall in and out of like every other week, so I don’t see it as a big deal, but it seems to be taken as one. It’s to the point that I think I shouldn’t say it anymore. Am I looking into it too deeply? Is this a realistic assessment? Is it just me? I have no idea. It’s interesting to say the least. Why can’t two people enjoy one another’s company and it be as simple as the time spent? When did it all get so complicated since the elementary days?

“…A boyfriend ain’t what I want… Now we can kick it baby, just like the way we’ve been… I just need to be free, don’t need you to rescue me…” -Vivian Green

-Signed, Check: Yes, No or Maybe

“…cuz I like it, but I don’t need it… I don’t wanna be your girl friend…” -Vivian Green

I’m Writing… Because…

I’d like to share some thoughts and letters that I believe are relevant to everyone in a way and also personal to me. This is a little unorthodox in comparison to my other writings, but I’m an unorthodox individual so I guess it fits. So I write…

Dear Karma,
I’m writing you this because everyone says you’re a bitch, but just like the days when I worked in retail and had tough customers, I realize that you are simply doing your job. I understand.

Dear Hype,
I’m writing you because I think we need to end this. It’s not me, it’s you. I don’t need to be caught up in you and the facades associated with you. It’s nothing personal. Maybe it is.

Dear Thrill,
I’m writing you this because I seek you often; you fascinate me.

Dear Hollywood,
I’m writing you this because you make life come alive or at least I thought so. I used to think everything was perfect some place on this earth and that I was inadequate to fit in such a world because I didn’t look like you.

Dear God,
I’m writing You this because I need to and most importantly I need You. It doesn’t even seem fit to call You Daddy anymore these days because things have changed between You and I. I used to “bring You more than a song”, we used to kick it, I used to tell You everything, but I made some choices that shifted that. I traded Your beauty for rags, made my prodigal child return and took flight again.

This world puts You in this box of being this convenient, understanding and no discipline god or so formal that no one ever really knows You. You are my constant reminder of humility when I get beside myself in cockiness and I look at how I treat You and see that I ain’t shit. In the midst of trying to find balance in between “religion” and rebellion I am at a crossroads, fork in the road, limbo.

It’s crazy to claim to love someone so much, but hurt them so often. Everything I claim to hate in others are the things I do to You: lie, leave, cheat, inconsistency, drama, distant, always sorry but never really changing, etc. At times, I find myself looking for everything in others what can only be found in You. I know this, I knew this, yet I continue to do it. A part of me wishes things went back to what they are. A part of me sees that this is merely a season and something good is going to come out of this point in my life. It’s good to know that no matter what, I’m Yours, I can cry to You, shout, scream, vent, be truly naked, be me around You. Your love will endure forever. You never leave. You are my only guarantee. I don’t know how to end this because it’ll never really be finished. I guess I could say I’m grateful for Your grace. I surely don’t get what I deserve.

-Signed, Me

“…Since my date of birth, I bought you nothing but hurt…” -Jay-Z
“…I told God I’d be back in a second, man it’s so hard not to act reckless…” -Kanye West
“…I’ve come undone, but You make sense of who I am…” -Red
“…tell Him I love Him… tell Him I need Him…” – Lauryn Hill
“..You search much deeper within, through the way things appear… You’re looking into my heart…….I’m sorry Lord for the thing I’ve made it when it’s all about You…” -Matt Redman
“….are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples with walls around our weakness and smiles that hide our pain… …the performance is convincing, we know every line by heart, only when no one is watching can we really fall apart…” -Casting Crowns
“…I’m a puzzle, yes indeed, ever complex in every way… …I don’t know why You love me and that’s why I love You…” -Beyonce
“..You’re my only reason, You’re my only truth… I need You like water, like breathe, like rain… I need You like mercy from heaven’s gate…” -LeAnn Rimes


“…dear lie, you suck…” -TLC