When I’m Gone

I lost a cousin around this time last year and I decided to read her facebook wall as I tend to do occasionally. We weren’t close, but that was still my fam so that doesn’t matter. Though I know she will never access that account again, I just cannot delete her off. As I read I saw messages other family members and her friends still write on her wall. Though they know she’s gone they still write her. I admire the idea of it and still accept the reality. It really made me think.

“…how long will they mourn me…” -Tupac

I try to remain optimistic about life, but I try to stay away from being idealistic. I have the strangest thoughts at times. A recurring one is: What if something happened to me? Who would know? If I were in the hospital, who would call, visit, be around? I consider those around me now and then I consider those who I’d honestly think would make that effort and the numbers change drastically. It’s an eerie feeling and it actually stings a little bit.

“…So hold me when I’m here, right me when I’m wrong…. Hold me when I’m scared and love me when I’m gone… Everything I am and everything in me wants to be the one you wanted me to be…” -3 Doors Down

I try to be mindful, grateful, and loyal to those I should appreciate and yet show love to everyone. It’s strange. It is as if it isn’t that I feel the necessity of the involvement or presence of those that are flaky, but I guess I get in a “why don’t you love me” Beyonce kinda mode like “what’s not to love?” (lol). Though I smirk as I write this, it’s an honest thought that I have. Don’t judge me lol.

“…I’ll never let you down even if I could… I’d give up everything if only for your good… So hold me when I’m here, right me when I’m wrong… You can hold me when I’m scared, you won’t always be there… So love me when I’m gone…” -3 Doors Down

I don’t like to think about death. Every time I think about it I have to catch my breath. It’s so…… final. I know my faith, but death is still a mystery. I’ve never been there before. I went to my great-grandmothers funeral that I had never met about a month ago and thought “wow, there will be people at my funeral that I may have never met nor cared for”. Then the thoughts escalated to who would be late? Who wouldn’t make it there? What assumptions will be made about me by those that goes through my things? How long will they mourn me? Who would miss me most? What could be said of me, my life, my legacy, my influence? Have I impacted at least one life?

“…it’s been too hard living, but I’m afraid to die… ‘Cause I don’t know what’s up there beyond the sky…” -Sam Cooke

I really hate thinking about these things, but to ignore it would be ignoring a very real thing. It’s an uncomfortable aspect of life. As a child when I first thought about death I began to envy the cartoons because I thought they got to live forever. The Terminator movie didn’t help my young fears because I was convinced I would be set on fire in the playground. But, yeah, this post is making me uneasy so I’ll end it here!

“…And when I’m gone, just carry on, don’t mourn…. Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice…” -Eminem

-Signed, Live Like We’re Dying

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