All Falls Down

There was a solid concept for this blog, but even as I write this, I still don’t know what to write. I’ve been thinking about in this short time of being on this earth and the life I have lived so far and how much I have compromised in ways I didn’t even know I did. In the past maybe five years or so, I have led to dramatically different lifestyles, yet behind them both, my mindset remained the same. Many times I’ve asked myself “why am I doing this?” Whether it had to do with morals, personal preference, things I’ve supported or places I went. I’m not sure if I would say I consider myself a people pleaser because I rarely go all in. I guess I would say that there are many times that I’ve done or said things just to alleviate some drama, even if I chose to lie. Though I despise lying with everything in my being, sometimes I get to points of not wanting to hear it that I give someone what they want to hear because in most cases the truth wasn’t good enough.

“…they love it when you smile unaware that it’s a strain…” -Drake

“…so with a painted grin, I’ll play the part again so everyone will see me the way that I see them.. are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeple with walls around our weakness and smiles that hide our pain…” -Casting Crowns

“…I do what I hate like everything’s great, but everything’s not, everything’s incredibly fake.. ..I know I need You, just not sure if I want You, it’s not easy I like this deceit, I like being weak, I’m confused…” -Lano Medina

I’ve noticed some habits I have acquired over the years, especially my coping mechanisms and I have always realized how most of them don’t benefit me, but it is as if I cannot help it. This is what I do, this is what works for me whether it’s temporary or not. I don’t like getting too much advice because most of the time others don’t know what to tell you either and end up giving you well-meant but bad advice which would only add to the already prevalent confusion.

“…whoever spottin’ me is playin’so I’m liftin’ all alone tryin’ not to get a strain…” -Drake

“…she got a black girl name, she livin’ black girl pain… growin up days as a black girl scarred in so many ways though we’ve come so far, they just know the name they don’t know the pain…” -Talib Kweli

“…people say I’ve got my hands in too many things, keeping time with paupers just as well as kings… …here I am, I’m just a fragment of my God, heavenly Father here me, sometimes life gets so hard…” -Teena Marie

I have always been very observant and have always said just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t know. It is a gift and a curse because it seems as though I notice everything, even things I don’t want to know and I realize there are many instances where I’m not supposed to say anything at all or I shouldn’t say it yet. It’s hard for me to watch people live to please the masses, the same masses that will scatter when things go in another direction. It’s a struggle to be the faithful friend/support when those you extend your hand to are pursuing people that are obviously using them and taking them for granted. The thing that alleviates some of my frustration in these situations and humbles me, even, is when I think about how I do the same thing to God many times. Why do we tend to avoid the ones that love us most? I’m trying to learn to be more intentionally appreciative.

“…they’ll hail you then nail you no matter who you are…” -Lauryn Hill

“…feelin’ so distant from everyone I’ve known, to make everybody happy I think I would need a clone…” -Drake

“…and every time I tried to be what someone else thought of me, so caught up, I wasn’t able to achieve…” -Lauryn Hill

…and I made up my mind to define my own destiny…” -Lauryn Hill

“…only when no one is watching can we really fall apart…” -Casting Crowns

Another big compromise that is consistent for many reasons that I am aware of is my many times obvious bad choice in the males I allow in my life. I can notice a red flag from miles away, but like everything else I’m a “chance giver” even to those who obviously don’t deserve on. Another coping mechanism that fuels the endless cycle of fuckery that is in my life. I learn from both my own and others mistakes, so when it comes to me putting myself in foolish situations, I can at least say I make sure it is short-lived because I just refuse to be bothered with it but for so long.

“…I keep letting you back in, how can I explain myself?…” -Lauryn Hill

“in vain you make yourself beautiful. Your lovers despise you; they seek your life.” -Jeremiah 4:30

“…found out the man I’d die for, he wasn’t even concerned…” -Lauryn Hill

“…when am I ever gonna learn that it burns to kiss the sun?…” -Lano

“Lord, I apologize for what I’ve done to You… …every time that I needed You, You’re by my side, every time that You needed me, I ran to hide…” -Rell

I realized in the midst of all the things I don’t understand and am trying to figure out, one thing has remained consistent and that is my faith. This always surprises me because I have tried many of times to convince myself otherwise and it just won’t happen, despite my anger, unanswered questions, disappointments, and the list could go on. When all else fails and when everything is great, I realize that Jesus is all I have whether I like it or not and whether I want it or not. It’s comforting to know this His forever means forever regardless of my thoughts and actions. It’s also comforting to know that no matter what He is the only one that truly knows me despite those that think they can figure me out because of a few facebook statuses (shots fired? maybe, I don’t care).

“…forgive me for my disrespect, forgive me for my lies… …I’m sick of n*ggaz lyin’, sick of b*tches hawkin’ as a matter of fact I’m sick of talkin’…” -Biggie

“…see this song is not about You, because I tried to live without You… …look at my life and how I manage, don’t You see the way I damage You?…” -Rell

-Signed, I Know You Like To Worry, It’d Be Better If You Don’t…


“…because a rose is still a rose… baby girl you’re still a flower… he can leave you and then take you, make you and then break you… darling, you hold the power… …don’t believe that life is over just because your man is gone… without him your life goes on…” -Aretha Franklin


“…single black female addicted to retail and well…”

Advertisements
    • DaDoT
    • June 2nd, 2010

    Once again you’ve touched on plenty of things that I too have to deal with. This resonated with me the most- “It’s a struggle to be the faithful friend/support when those you extend your hand to are pursuing people that are obviously using them and taking them for granted.”

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: