Archive for June, 2010

When I’m Gone

I lost a cousin around this time last year and I decided to read her facebook wall as I tend to do occasionally. We weren’t close, but that was still my fam so that doesn’t matter. Though I know she will never access that account again, I just cannot delete her off. As I read I saw messages other family members and her friends still write on her wall. Though they know she’s gone they still write her. I admire the idea of it and still accept the reality. It really made me think.

“…how long will they mourn me…” -Tupac

I try to remain optimistic about life, but I try to stay away from being idealistic. I have the strangest thoughts at times. A recurring one is: What if something happened to me? Who would know? If I were in the hospital, who would call, visit, be around? I consider those around me now and then I consider those who I’d honestly think would make that effort and the numbers change drastically. It’s an eerie feeling and it actually stings a little bit.

“…So hold me when I’m here, right me when I’m wrong…. Hold me when I’m scared and love me when I’m gone… Everything I am and everything in me wants to be the one you wanted me to be…” -3 Doors Down

I try to be mindful, grateful, and loyal to those I should appreciate and yet show love to everyone. It’s strange. It is as if it isn’t that I feel the necessity of the involvement or presence of those that are flaky, but I guess I get in a “why don’t you love me” Beyonce kinda mode like “what’s not to love?” (lol). Though I smirk as I write this, it’s an honest thought that I have. Don’t judge me lol.

“…I’ll never let you down even if I could… I’d give up everything if only for your good… So hold me when I’m here, right me when I’m wrong… You can hold me when I’m scared, you won’t always be there… So love me when I’m gone…” -3 Doors Down

I don’t like to think about death. Every time I think about it I have to catch my breath. It’s so…… final. I know my faith, but death is still a mystery. I’ve never been there before. I went to my great-grandmothers funeral that I had never met about a month ago and thought “wow, there will be people at my funeral that I may have never met nor cared for”. Then the thoughts escalated to who would be late? Who wouldn’t make it there? What assumptions will be made about me by those that goes through my things? How long will they mourn me? Who would miss me most? What could be said of me, my life, my legacy, my influence? Have I impacted at least one life?

“…it’s been too hard living, but I’m afraid to die… ‘Cause I don’t know what’s up there beyond the sky…” -Sam Cooke

I really hate thinking about these things, but to ignore it would be ignoring a very real thing. It’s an uncomfortable aspect of life. As a child when I first thought about death I began to envy the cartoons because I thought they got to live forever. The Terminator movie didn’t help my young fears because I was convinced I would be set on fire in the playground. But, yeah, this post is making me uneasy so I’ll end it here!

“…And when I’m gone, just carry on, don’t mourn…. Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice…” -Eminem

-Signed, Live Like We’re Dying

I Hope You Dance

The metaphor I am about to present may be a little farfetched, but I ask that you stay with me and hopefully grasp a few points from it. Many of us have heard “everything I needed to know I learned in a shopping mall” or something similar to that. Well, the experience I just had would be “everything I needed to know I learned in the bath tub”, so stay with me, let me explain.

The Literal. I ran a bubble bath to relieve some stress, lit some candles, got my playlist together. I let the water run on really hot because I knew I would take a while getting the perfect playlist together and figured the water would cool down by the time I was ready. When I was finally ready the water was really hot, but I kept putting my foot in every few seconds as if it would change or with the slight hope that maybe I could bare it. I was unsuccessful (lol). So I ran cold water and tried to mix it up. Fail #2. I ran the shower in ice cold water hoping it would even it out and left out for a little while. When I returned the water was still hot.

I had a choice, a few actually. I could hop in that tub and burn, I could wait it out and let it cool off, I could say forget the bath altogether, or I could pull the stopper out and let it get to half full and run some more cold water. I chose the latter which is probably the choice I feared most because the water was so hot. I left for maybe 2 minutes and came back and ALL the water was gone lol. Part of me said to forget the bath after all of this drama. Another part said run another, but the same thing could happen if I’m not monitoring what’s going on. Another part of me said run the bath but sit in the tub this time while the water runs so that you know it’s right. I chose the latter.

The Figurative. I know you’re probably thinking “this girl puts too much thought into her baths” lol and that is and isn’t the case. I thought about all of this once I finally relaxed (lol). Many times in life when it comes to routine things in life it seems as if it is embedded in us to do things the way they have always been done. In some ways it might feel as if things have to be done in that way, so much so subconsciously we may feel as if we have no choice, but we do. We always will have a choice, it may not always be preferable options, but still we have choice nonetheless.

As I sat there I thought. I could’ve quit and decided to just not take my bath considering all the drama I had to go through to get it right, but I was glad that I chose to figure something out because it was well needed and well worth it. Then I took it a little further as far as how I decided to change water temperatures. This is random but I have a point. If I’m already in the tub, I’m not getting up to change the temperature with my hands so I use my foot. I went further and thought, “you know, if I wanted to I could’ve worn a bathing suit in here or even my clothes. It would be strange but I could have if I wanted to”. There are plenty of things I could have brought into this scenario that didn’t make sense, but I could have done it if I wanted to.

“I hope you never lose your sense of wonder… you get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger… may you never take one single breath for granted, God forbid love ever leave you empty handed… I hope you still feel small
when you stand by the ocean… whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens…”

“…promise me you’ll give faith a fighting chance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance… I hope you dance… I hope you dance…”

What’s The Point? Many times in life we may subconsciously or consciously strip ourselves of the power we have over our own lives for various reasons. Also, many times we like to play the blame game as for why we are the way we are, but that can only go so far. At what point do we say, “yeah this or that influenced me, but that isn’t who I want to be anymore, so I won’t”? At what point do we do things that don’t make sense, but do them because we just simply had to and don’t feel the need to have to explain ourselves? Why do we fear being so misunderstood or criticism yet constantly audibly proclaim we don’t care what people think? Who says you have to live this way?

My point and encouragement to everyone and also myself is to follow what you’ve yearned for. Go after what keeps you up at night because you want it that bad. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t understand so how can you expect everyone to always understand? Why constantly feel as if you need them to understand you? Pursue your dreams. Embrace your mistakes. Acknowledge but do not be crippled by your failures. Appreciate those that support you. Refuse to think otherwise about your goals because of those who don’t. Cling to those who love you. Flee from those who mean you harm, but never hate them. Never be the cancer to your own passions. Be unconventional, influential, humble, extraordinary. I hope you dance.

“…I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, never settle for the path of least resistance…”

“…living might mean taking chances, but they’re worth taking… lovin’ might be a mistake, but it’s worth making…”

“…don’t let some hell bent heart leave you bitter, when you come close to selling out… reconsider… give the heavens above more than just a passing glance and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance… I hope you dance…”

-Signed, For me givin’ up’s way harder than tryin’

“…I hope you dance…”

All Falls Down

There was a solid concept for this blog, but even as I write this, I still don’t know what to write. I’ve been thinking about in this short time of being on this earth and the life I have lived so far and how much I have compromised in ways I didn’t even know I did. In the past maybe five years or so, I have led to dramatically different lifestyles, yet behind them both, my mindset remained the same. Many times I’ve asked myself “why am I doing this?” Whether it had to do with morals, personal preference, things I’ve supported or places I went. I’m not sure if I would say I consider myself a people pleaser because I rarely go all in. I guess I would say that there are many times that I’ve done or said things just to alleviate some drama, even if I chose to lie. Though I despise lying with everything in my being, sometimes I get to points of not wanting to hear it that I give someone what they want to hear because in most cases the truth wasn’t good enough.

“…they love it when you smile unaware that it’s a strain…” -Drake

“…so with a painted grin, I’ll play the part again so everyone will see me the way that I see them.. are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeple with walls around our weakness and smiles that hide our pain…” -Casting Crowns

“…I do what I hate like everything’s great, but everything’s not, everything’s incredibly fake.. ..I know I need You, just not sure if I want You, it’s not easy I like this deceit, I like being weak, I’m confused…” -Lano Medina

I’ve noticed some habits I have acquired over the years, especially my coping mechanisms and I have always realized how most of them don’t benefit me, but it is as if I cannot help it. This is what I do, this is what works for me whether it’s temporary or not. I don’t like getting too much advice because most of the time others don’t know what to tell you either and end up giving you well-meant but bad advice which would only add to the already prevalent confusion.

“…whoever spottin’ me is playin’so I’m liftin’ all alone tryin’ not to get a strain…” -Drake

“…she got a black girl name, she livin’ black girl pain… growin up days as a black girl scarred in so many ways though we’ve come so far, they just know the name they don’t know the pain…” -Talib Kweli

“…people say I’ve got my hands in too many things, keeping time with paupers just as well as kings… …here I am, I’m just a fragment of my God, heavenly Father here me, sometimes life gets so hard…” -Teena Marie

I have always been very observant and have always said just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t know. It is a gift and a curse because it seems as though I notice everything, even things I don’t want to know and I realize there are many instances where I’m not supposed to say anything at all or I shouldn’t say it yet. It’s hard for me to watch people live to please the masses, the same masses that will scatter when things go in another direction. It’s a struggle to be the faithful friend/support when those you extend your hand to are pursuing people that are obviously using them and taking them for granted. The thing that alleviates some of my frustration in these situations and humbles me, even, is when I think about how I do the same thing to God many times. Why do we tend to avoid the ones that love us most? I’m trying to learn to be more intentionally appreciative.

“…they’ll hail you then nail you no matter who you are…” -Lauryn Hill

“…feelin’ so distant from everyone I’ve known, to make everybody happy I think I would need a clone…” -Drake

“…and every time I tried to be what someone else thought of me, so caught up, I wasn’t able to achieve…” -Lauryn Hill

…and I made up my mind to define my own destiny…” -Lauryn Hill

“…only when no one is watching can we really fall apart…” -Casting Crowns

Another big compromise that is consistent for many reasons that I am aware of is my many times obvious bad choice in the males I allow in my life. I can notice a red flag from miles away, but like everything else I’m a “chance giver” even to those who obviously don’t deserve on. Another coping mechanism that fuels the endless cycle of fuckery that is in my life. I learn from both my own and others mistakes, so when it comes to me putting myself in foolish situations, I can at least say I make sure it is short-lived because I just refuse to be bothered with it but for so long.

“…I keep letting you back in, how can I explain myself?…” -Lauryn Hill

“in vain you make yourself beautiful. Your lovers despise you; they seek your life.” -Jeremiah 4:30

“…found out the man I’d die for, he wasn’t even concerned…” -Lauryn Hill

“…when am I ever gonna learn that it burns to kiss the sun?…” -Lano

“Lord, I apologize for what I’ve done to You… …every time that I needed You, You’re by my side, every time that You needed me, I ran to hide…” -Rell

I realized in the midst of all the things I don’t understand and am trying to figure out, one thing has remained consistent and that is my faith. This always surprises me because I have tried many of times to convince myself otherwise and it just won’t happen, despite my anger, unanswered questions, disappointments, and the list could go on. When all else fails and when everything is great, I realize that Jesus is all I have whether I like it or not and whether I want it or not. It’s comforting to know this His forever means forever regardless of my thoughts and actions. It’s also comforting to know that no matter what He is the only one that truly knows me despite those that think they can figure me out because of a few facebook statuses (shots fired? maybe, I don’t care).

“…forgive me for my disrespect, forgive me for my lies… …I’m sick of n*ggaz lyin’, sick of b*tches hawkin’ as a matter of fact I’m sick of talkin’…” -Biggie

“…see this song is not about You, because I tried to live without You… …look at my life and how I manage, don’t You see the way I damage You?…” -Rell

-Signed, I Know You Like To Worry, It’d Be Better If You Don’t…

“…because a rose is still a rose… baby girl you’re still a flower… he can leave you and then take you, make you and then break you… darling, you hold the power… …don’t believe that life is over just because your man is gone… without him your life goes on…” -Aretha Franklin

“…single black female addicted to retail and well…”