Archive for May, 2010

Lost, But Searching…

The song “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day will always be dear to my heart because I can relate so well. It’s not so much the lonliness addressed in the song but the “lostness”. I will never pretend that I have life figure out, though I will say there is some wisdom instilled in me. I understand that I will never know it all and that is a releif. I once expressed to someone my desire to move out of my city but also acknowledged that I doubt I’d permantly stay wherever I choose to move. The person disagreed completely because of my commitments here. I responded, “How will I know where I belong if I never look for it?” and that was pretty much the end of that conversation.

“I walk a lonely road… the only one that I have ever known… don’t know where it goes, but it’s home to me and I walk alone…” -Green Day

“…Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and it’s gonna take so long for me to get somewhere… …can You send an angel to guide me?…” -Alicia Keys

Don’t get it twisted, I’m no trouble maker, I just will never be the type of person to do something because that’s what everyone else is doing, I will always want to know why. At certain points in life I realize aside from God, I may be the only one looking out for me or have my best interest in mind (sometimes). In realizing this, I try to be careful about who I love. I’m an all or nothing person so once you’re in, it is difficult to let you go. This is true with all of my relationships, this will never be limited to romance, my rationale is, if you can’t be a good friend to me, it will never need to go beyond that point.

“…here I am, I’m just a fragment of my God, heavenly Father hear me, sometimes life gets so hard..” -Teena Marie

“…one shot to your heart without breaking your skin, no one has the power to hurt you like your kin/friends…” -India.Arie

I’m not trying to “fit” anywhere, I just want to know where I belong. I don’t want anything that isn’t mine. I don’t want to be one of those people that are merely existing, I want to really live every day despite circumstances. I know that God has put me through a lot for good reason and has equipped me to be strong enough to handle it, though it is a struggle to be strong so often. I will never settle for an ordinary life, I bore easily and am easily distracted, yet faithful. I am always trying to see what is new and interesting, yet loyal. At this point in my life all I have is my character and that’s still developing. I realize there are many roads and that I don’t have to choose only one, I can try one and maybe it’s no good for me and I can go another way. I refuse to be boxed, refuse to be silenced, and refuse to settle, I will continually pursue the beautiful wherever and whatever it is.

“…she lives in a mindset you could never move to… …throw your ones up in the air for ‘her’…” -Drake

“…I drove by the fork in the road and went straight…” -Jay-Z

“…please don’t ask me where I’m going… ’cause I don’t know… anymore…” -Corinne Bailey Rae

-Signed, I dont want to be famous, I just want to be great


“…he’s there for you when he shouldn’t be, but he stays all the same, waits for you and then sees you through… there’s no way I could describe him… all I say is, just what I’m hoping for… but I will find him sittin’ on my doorstep… waiting for the surprise… it will feel like he’s been there for hours and I can tell he’ll be there for life…”

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