Touch The Sky

It’s hard to sleep when you’re pursuing your dreams when awake. I tend to have a lot on my plate when it comes to my typical day, I’m used to it and I really don’t know how to function without having something to do, that is when I get anxious lol. I realize I was born with the odds against me in a sense and it just makes me work harder. Sometimes when I’m stressed I lay on the bench in the gazebo at my school and just watch the sky and think about my dreams, my wants, my needs, my goals, peace, and encourage myself that it’ll be alright and think things through while talking with God. I realize there are so many things I want to do down the line that it is a struggle to really choose one, yet the one I have the biggest passion for scares me the most. But no matter what, nobody will ever be able to tell me that I can’t and I believe them. My destiny is not in their hands.

“..I won’t support your lie no more, I won’t even try no more, if I have to die, oh Lord.. that’s how I choose to live.. I won’t be compromised no more, I can’t be victimized no more, I just don’t sympathize no more, cuz now I understand..” -Lauryn Hill

“..ain’t no tuition for havin’ no ambition and ain’t no loans for sittin’ yo *ss at home..” -Kanye

Being Realistic VS Being Extraordinary. I love writing! I can’t explain it, I really can’t but it’s what I love. I love any avenue of being creative whether it’s with crafts or jewelry or whatever. I love the challenge of trying to make something once plain or tarnished and making it lovely. I especially feel this way about words. I want to paint pictures with my words. I want to create places I wish I could go and maybe actually go there, even if it’s only mental. I have this thing for words that I don’t understand. I love knowing what they mean and how they work together. I always say whoever came up with that ‘sticks and stones’ saying is a fool. Words cut deep. Words have much power. Words begin and end relationships. Words can bring joy and pain. Words determines futures, whether you get a yes or a no and so on.

“ time to get all excited, just write it from the inside let the pen slide.. and spread
the ink on the papyrus, come understand this.. paint the canvas, givin you my vision..” -No I.D.

I think this is also why I tend to be on the brutally honest side at times, because I hate to say things I don’t mean. I hate to lie. At times it happens, but it kind of haunts me when it does. In majority of cases I always come clean. That’s why when it comes to children and youth especially, I try to be very careful with my words. I don’t want to be one of those people to sell them fantasies and no reality. I believe thee is a balance between supporting a dream and being realistic. I want to at least be that one sincere person in their lives that will keep it real wit them with love at the same time.

“..cuz who the kids gon listen to? I guess me if it isn’t you..” -Kanye

The Struggle to Persevere. In childhood there is typically this extraordinary imagination to do the impossible! Despite the reality and discouragements of life, that imagination is very much still alive in me. No, I don’t want to be famous, I just want to be great. I want to make an impact and a difference in people’s lives in making the best of their given circumstances. I want to be in the places none of us really want to go, amongst the people no one really wants to encounter. This has always been my heart to care about people, even if the have wronged me. I just don’t have the heart to be heartless or to hate anyone. Despite my sarcastic and/or witty ways, I have always been pretty compassionate. I’m always trying to understand why people feel the way they do or why the do the things the do and if something is wrong I want to figure out what I can do. I realize this is my nature despite how somebody treats me. I’ve been given a very forgiving heart, even when it kills me. I can stay away from them and never speak to them again, but it wouldn’t be because I hate them. But being this type of person also calls for the misfortune of not taking disappointment well, every time is like the first time.

“..the struggles I’m facing, the chances I’m taking.. sometimes might knock me down, but no, I’m not breaking… I may not know it, but these are the moments that I’m gonna remember most, yeah just gotta keep going…” -Miley Cyrus

“..There’ll always be somebody that’ll shoot down any dream..There’ll always be haters, that’s the way it is..” -Kanye

In the midst of it all I have four things that trouble me regularly, which are:

1. Giving up. No real soldier wants to return home with a dishonorable discharge. Sometimes the pressures of getting through school full-time, working full-time, trying to figure myself out, dealing with family and friends is just too much. The thought of returning to see the naysayers with the “I told you so” glares. There are times when I want to walk away from one or all of them for the sake of sanity. Yet there is always this part of me that say, I can’t do that, I’m going to ha to just make it work, because I have to finish what I started.

“..for me, givin’ up is way harder than tryin’..” -Kanye

“..sometimes you just have to let it go.. leaving all my fears to burn down… push them all away so I can move on closer to my dreams.. ..I can feel it in my sleep..” -Goapele

2. Trying. I’m not expecting things to be easy, though at times I wish it were. I also realize that the things I have to work for the hardest, I tend to appreciate the most, though at times I seem to do the opposite when I act foolishly. Trying is hard because sometimes it’s just me against the world because even those that are on my side don’t understand. Sometimes I don’t even understand lol.

“..this is your moment and every single minute you spend try and hold onto it cause you may never get it again..” -Eminem

“..cuz now I’m choosin’ life, yo.. I take the sacrifice, yo.. if everything must go, then go.. that’s how I choose to live..” -Lauryn Hill

3. Making It. There is a possibility that money could be a rewarding factor for a writing career gone well, though this isn’t my goal, it is a possibility. I’ve seen what just a little bit of money does to people and I never want to lose myself. I have never been able to be bought and I do not intend to, yet I have seen “the mighty” fallen.

“Do you think I sacrificed real life for all the fame and flashing lights?” -Kanye

“..when steel sharpens steel, Imma keep it real.. I’m tired of tryin to hide my pain behind the syrups and pills.. dead to the world, stretched out like a corpse for real.. Y’all niggaz thinkin what y’all readin in The Source is real.. what my life like, you lookin at the source, it’s real.. what your life like? Mine dog, of course it’s real..” -Beanie Sigel

4. Being Alone. These days it seems as though love and financial/status success do not mix and that you have to choose one or the other. Part of me thinks, God didn’t give me this heart for me to have no one to share my life with, then on the other hand God didn’t give me this vision only to not accomplish it. I know success is only in the eye of the beholder, but at times I think about these famous (i.e. Oprah, Sanaa Lathan, Gabrielle Union) and non-famous women (i.e. lawyers, principles, business owners) who have accomplished what they wanted in life, but are still single or have had endless failed relationships. I don’t want to be them. I also don’t want a “baby father”. I want a family. I’m knocking anyone’s predicament either, but this is what I want for me. It just seems like I have a better chance at winning a Nobel Prize than to have a faithful husband that loves me for who I am especially if it’s from a standpoint of already being accomplished. When you have status it is hard to meet new people because not everyone’s motives are good. I would never want to be with someone for any reason other than loving them and vice versa.

“..on that independent sh*t.. trade it all for a husband and some kids..” -Kanye

“..I’m scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall.. and I’m scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own..” -Beyonce

Staying Focused. There will always being people that mean well and plenty more that don’t when it comes to their opinions about your dreams. Though their opinions shouldn’t matter sometimes it can be discouraging to be the only one that believes in you. You have these ideas and get so excited only for someone to tell you to wake up and face the real world. I’ve had several situations where I felt confined to the ordinary because things I wanted to do were too far-fetched. Now I am the point where I have decided to go for it anyway, and even when I mess up, I will keep going. I think about the warriors in the movies that are on their last leg and keep fighting until the death. That is what I want for my life. That is what I want to be said of my character, because I truly want to be the change I want to see in the world (in the words of Ghandi).

So I haven’t the slightest idea as to where I’m going (living wise and maybe even career wise), but I know I am going for the things I have a great passion for. I’m excited and terrified as to where I may end up, but I am all for it!

“..I can almost see it.. that dream I’m dreamin’.. but there’s a voice inside my head sayin’ ‘you’ll never reach it.. ..but I gotta keep tryin’, gotta keep my head held high… there’s always gonna be another mountain, I’m always gonna wanna make it move..always gonna be a uphill battle.. sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.. ain’t about how fast I get there, ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side.. it’s the climb..” -Miley Cyrus

“..this the start of somethin’ big… me think I knows ya gonna dig it..” -Common

-Signed, I’m in my own world

..for the day I die, I’mma touch the sky..” -Kanye

“..Sometimes we fall down, can’t get back up.. we’re hiding behind skin that’s too tough.. how come we don’t say I love you enough.. til it’s to late, it’s not too late..” -Kris Allen

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