Archive for April, 2010

Touch The Sky

It’s hard to sleep when you’re pursuing your dreams when awake. I tend to have a lot on my plate when it comes to my typical day, I’m used to it and I really don’t know how to function without having something to do, that is when I get anxious lol. I realize I was born with the odds against me in a sense and it just makes me work harder. Sometimes when I’m stressed I lay on the bench in the gazebo at my school and just watch the sky and think about my dreams, my wants, my needs, my goals, peace, and encourage myself that it’ll be alright and think things through while talking with God. I realize there are so many things I want to do down the line that it is a struggle to really choose one, yet the one I have the biggest passion for scares me the most. But no matter what, nobody will ever be able to tell me that I can’t and I believe them. My destiny is not in their hands.

“..I won’t support your lie no more, I won’t even try no more, if I have to die, oh Lord.. that’s how I choose to live.. I won’t be compromised no more, I can’t be victimized no more, I just don’t sympathize no more, cuz now I understand..” -Lauryn Hill

“..ain’t no tuition for havin’ no ambition and ain’t no loans for sittin’ yo *ss at home..” -Kanye

Being Realistic VS Being Extraordinary. I love writing! I can’t explain it, I really can’t but it’s what I love. I love any avenue of being creative whether it’s with crafts or jewelry or whatever. I love the challenge of trying to make something once plain or tarnished and making it lovely. I especially feel this way about words. I want to paint pictures with my words. I want to create places I wish I could go and maybe actually go there, even if it’s only mental. I have this thing for words that I don’t understand. I love knowing what they mean and how they work together. I always say whoever came up with that ‘sticks and stones’ saying is a fool. Words cut deep. Words have much power. Words begin and end relationships. Words can bring joy and pain. Words determines futures, whether you get a yes or a no and so on.

“..no time to get all excited, just write it from the inside let the pen slide.. and spread
the ink on the papyrus, come understand this.. paint the canvas, givin you my vision..” -No I.D.

I think this is also why I tend to be on the brutally honest side at times, because I hate to say things I don’t mean. I hate to lie. At times it happens, but it kind of haunts me when it does. In majority of cases I always come clean. That’s why when it comes to children and youth especially, I try to be very careful with my words. I don’t want to be one of those people to sell them fantasies and no reality. I believe thee is a balance between supporting a dream and being realistic. I want to at least be that one sincere person in their lives that will keep it real wit them with love at the same time.

“..cuz who the kids gon listen to? I guess me if it isn’t you..” -Kanye

The Struggle to Persevere. In childhood there is typically this extraordinary imagination to do the impossible! Despite the reality and discouragements of life, that imagination is very much still alive in me. No, I don’t want to be famous, I just want to be great. I want to make an impact and a difference in people’s lives in making the best of their given circumstances. I want to be in the places none of us really want to go, amongst the people no one really wants to encounter. This has always been my heart to care about people, even if the have wronged me. I just don’t have the heart to be heartless or to hate anyone. Despite my sarcastic and/or witty ways, I have always been pretty compassionate. I’m always trying to understand why people feel the way they do or why the do the things the do and if something is wrong I want to figure out what I can do. I realize this is my nature despite how somebody treats me. I’ve been given a very forgiving heart, even when it kills me. I can stay away from them and never speak to them again, but it wouldn’t be because I hate them. But being this type of person also calls for the misfortune of not taking disappointment well, every time is like the first time.

“..the struggles I’m facing, the chances I’m taking.. sometimes might knock me down, but no, I’m not breaking… I may not know it, but these are the moments that I’m gonna remember most, yeah just gotta keep going…” -Miley Cyrus

“..There’ll always be somebody that’ll shoot down any dream..There’ll always be haters, that’s the way it is..” -Kanye

In the midst of it all I have four things that trouble me regularly, which are:

1. Giving up. No real soldier wants to return home with a dishonorable discharge. Sometimes the pressures of getting through school full-time, working full-time, trying to figure myself out, dealing with family and friends is just too much. The thought of returning to see the naysayers with the “I told you so” glares. There are times when I want to walk away from one or all of them for the sake of sanity. Yet there is always this part of me that say, I can’t do that, I’m going to ha to just make it work, because I have to finish what I started.

“..for me, givin’ up is way harder than tryin’..” -Kanye

“..sometimes you just have to let it go.. leaving all my fears to burn down… push them all away so I can move on closer to my dreams.. ..I can feel it in my sleep..” -Goapele

2. Trying. I’m not expecting things to be easy, though at times I wish it were. I also realize that the things I have to work for the hardest, I tend to appreciate the most, though at times I seem to do the opposite when I act foolishly. Trying is hard because sometimes it’s just me against the world because even those that are on my side don’t understand. Sometimes I don’t even understand lol.

“..this is your moment and every single minute you spend try and hold onto it cause you may never get it again..” -Eminem

“..cuz now I’m choosin’ life, yo.. I take the sacrifice, yo.. if everything must go, then go.. that’s how I choose to live..” -Lauryn Hill

3. Making It. There is a possibility that money could be a rewarding factor for a writing career gone well, though this isn’t my goal, it is a possibility. I’ve seen what just a little bit of money does to people and I never want to lose myself. I have never been able to be bought and I do not intend to, yet I have seen “the mighty” fallen.

“Do you think I sacrificed real life for all the fame and flashing lights?” -Kanye

“..when steel sharpens steel, Imma keep it real.. I’m tired of tryin to hide my pain behind the syrups and pills.. dead to the world, stretched out like a corpse for real.. Y’all niggaz thinkin what y’all readin in The Source is real.. what my life like, you lookin at the source, it’s real.. what your life like? Mine dog, of course it’s real..” -Beanie Sigel

4. Being Alone. These days it seems as though love and financial/status success do not mix and that you have to choose one or the other. Part of me thinks, God didn’t give me this heart for me to have no one to share my life with, then on the other hand God didn’t give me this vision only to not accomplish it. I know success is only in the eye of the beholder, but at times I think about these famous (i.e. Oprah, Sanaa Lathan, Gabrielle Union) and non-famous women (i.e. lawyers, principles, business owners) who have accomplished what they wanted in life, but are still single or have had endless failed relationships. I don’t want to be them. I also don’t want a “baby father”. I want a family. I’m knocking anyone’s predicament either, but this is what I want for me. It just seems like I have a better chance at winning a Nobel Prize than to have a faithful husband that loves me for who I am especially if it’s from a standpoint of already being accomplished. When you have status it is hard to meet new people because not everyone’s motives are good. I would never want to be with someone for any reason other than loving them and vice versa.

“..on that independent sh*t.. trade it all for a husband and some kids..” -Kanye

“..I’m scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall.. and I’m scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own..” -Beyonce

Staying Focused. There will always being people that mean well and plenty more that don’t when it comes to their opinions about your dreams. Though their opinions shouldn’t matter sometimes it can be discouraging to be the only one that believes in you. You have these ideas and get so excited only for someone to tell you to wake up and face the real world. I’ve had several situations where I felt confined to the ordinary because things I wanted to do were too far-fetched. Now I am the point where I have decided to go for it anyway, and even when I mess up, I will keep going. I think about the warriors in the movies that are on their last leg and keep fighting until the death. That is what I want for my life. That is what I want to be said of my character, because I truly want to be the change I want to see in the world (in the words of Ghandi).

So I haven’t the slightest idea as to where I’m going (living wise and maybe even career wise), but I know I am going for the things I have a great passion for. I’m excited and terrified as to where I may end up, but I am all for it!

“..I can almost see it.. that dream I’m dreamin’.. but there’s a voice inside my head sayin’ ‘you’ll never reach it.. ..but I gotta keep tryin’, gotta keep my head held high… there’s always gonna be another mountain, I’m always gonna wanna make it move..always gonna be a uphill battle.. sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.. ain’t about how fast I get there, ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side.. it’s the climb..” -Miley Cyrus

“..this the start of somethin’ big… me think I knows ya gonna dig it..” -Common

-Signed, I’m in my own world


..for the day I die, I’mma touch the sky..” -Kanye

“..Sometimes we fall down, can’t get back up.. we’re hiding behind skin that’s too tough.. how come we don’t say I love you enough.. til it’s to late, it’s not too late..” -Kris Allen

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Test Of Time

Love! It’s something every person desires in some respect and one of the most complex things we encounter in life, even in the midst of it still occasionally asking yourself “what is it? and if it is, am I doing it right?” In the Bible there are two different types of love, agape and phileo (in Greek), which is unconditional and brotherly love. My focus will be on agape in romantic endeavors. Be reminded, I’m no specialist and this is my own opinion and I’m entitled to it :-).

It’s Work And Play. It seems natural to yearn for the positive things in a relationship and I am not saying there is anything wrong with that, but there needs to be a balance. Being realistic isn’t far-fetched, look at your world around you… life happens and it isn’t always “dandy” to say the least. There will be wonderful times and rough times, what you need to know for/about yourself is what you’re willing to put up with.

“I been your baby, and I don’t know why you don’t seem like that no more.. welcome to the new definition of love” -Mary J. Blige

“What about the crazy fights? What about the sleepless nights? What about a brother’s ego? What about the sacred vows? How do lover’s work it out? There’s much more than the tango” -Chrisette Michele

Get Passed Your Past.We all have a past and I always say that it is never fair to hold someone elses wrongs against you against someone else. You can’t play the victim your entire life and you also can’t expect the other person to take the heat for another person. Sometimes it’s a matter of maybe you make bad choices in who you get into relationships with or a plethora (love that word lol) of reasons. Look in the mirror often, don’t point the finger, bend the elbow and point back at yourself first. It isn’t fair to have unrealistic expectations on someone else and you know you aren’t a piece of cake either. Know your limits and truly evaluate if a relationship is something you can commit to before you drag someone else into your mess. A relationship should consists of two whole people not someone looking to be completed.

“Fussin’ and fightin’, we back at it again.. I know that, its my fault, but you don’t understand.. I got memories.. this is crazy.. you ain’t nothing like the girl I used to know” -Omarion

Work It Out. In all relationships there is some level of disagreement. No two people will ever agree on every single thing so why trip when this happens? Love will make you do some silly things at times, but if it’s worth it, hopefully you will do whatever it takes. Sometimes people have never witnessed a succesful relationship and don’t know how to love you and maybe you need to step up and open up about that. Be vulnerable enough to tell them what you want, like, and need. The saying goes “a closed mouth doesn’t get fed,” so follow suit.

“I was always taught to be strong.. never let them think you care at all.. Let no one get close to me.. Before you and me” -Musiq

“Sometimes I love you more than you’ll ever know.. Other times you get on my nerves.. That’s just reality.. No, it can’t always be kisses, hugs, and beautiful words” -Ne-Yo

Is It Worth It? If you are truly all in it, sometimes you have to “take one for the team” and decide, “you know what, it doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong, WE are more important than this” only IF that is your mentality. There are times where you have to stop yourself and say “is who’s right really that important? am I really going to go hours or days without them (that I can’t get back) because I want to be right?” I think that’s petty. Though there are points where you might need to have some time apart for the sake of peace, that’s different and in certain cases, not over foolishness. Grow up.

“Gonna swallow my pride.. say I’m sorry.. stop pointing fingers the blame is on me” -Boys II Men

100/100. I always say I have no interest in a 50/50 relationship, but 100/100. When you are all in, it’s difficult to nitpick about what someone is not doing because you’re loving them regardless, because that’s what you chose to do. It’s nothing like the friendly competition of trying to out-love each other lol. It can be a beautiful thing if you can set aside your selfishness for a moment. Don’t wait until it’s too late to offer your best!

“She said she’s tired that I’m always on the road..Too hard to swallow.. being alone.. She needs someone at night that she can hold.. She must have told me a thousand times before.. Silent cries I use to ignore.. God knows I love her.. Didn’t mean to hurt her” -Anthony Hamilton

“Just copped your girl a brand new Rolex.. But you can never find the time to spend at home.. Thinkin’ it’s gon’ keep her happy.. When time is all she wanted all along.. Searching for what’s right in front of your face.. But you can’t see it” -Usher

“It ain’t all roses.. flowers imposing.. said it ain’t all candy.. this love stuff is demanding.. Sometimes I need a hug..” -Mary J. Blige

-Signed, that’s the thing about love


“..Someone who will put up with the things.. Loving me can bring.. But still be there to see us through.. Someone who would put up with the strange and complicated things.. Cause I would do the same for her too..” -Musiq

Willing

I figured I would share my thoughts today… Hope you guys enjoy 🙂

Willing

The makings of me,
A blessing and a curse it seems,
An abundance to offer,
But no worthy heir to give it,
Dreamed a life and hope I live it,
I just want to be…

Be comfort to stress,
Quiet to noise,
Faith to uncertainty and doubt,
Music and inspiration to writer’s block,
Rhythm to blues,
I just want to help…

Encourage your dreams,
Play my role, know my place, give you space,
Explore limitless levels of passion together,
Discover desires and needs,
Remind you of your potential,
I just want to know…

Your favorite song, because it matters to me too,
Your middle name, have your last name,
Where you want to go and how I can be there,
What you want to eat regardless of the time,
When you need space and not take it personal,
I just want to…

Explore sensuality and creativity,
Make you feel masculinely beautiful,
Touch finger tips and feel electricity,
Kiss you good morning and then on your lips too,
Entertain you while you watch the game,
Make you laugh when it hurts,
Nurture your children,
Fall in love with the things I can’t stand about you,
Know that I can work your nerves,
Penetrate your brain and vibe with your mind,
Clean the house in just heels,
Be honest even when it hurts,
Persevere through drama,
Agree to disagree,
Make you smile when you wonder if it’s all worth it,
Do chores that I hate, but realize your comfort supersedes that,
Be your lover and best friend,
Make vows and maintain them til the last breath…

So here I am, willing,
I’m just missing ‘worthy’,
I was once told I need a man not a boy,
And I need a husband not a project,
I’ll wait…

“..if you can’t make me c-o-m-e in my m-i-n-d, then you ain’t got me..”

“I want to fall in love with the medley of the phone when your number dials into it type love”

Who Cares?

Since the beginning of time there have always been a faithful few and the majority has typically been wrong. It made me think about this when it comes to me meeting new people. If you know me, you already know I am a very curious person in every sense of the word, and I am also very clumsy. I am always open to trying something new in most cases, especially when it comes to people, I have this strange curiosity about relationships and how they work, don’t feel offended that I observe you my dear lab rats (lol). I love meeting people that I can meet as a young adult and still technically grow up together in a sense. On the other side of my excitement in coming into contact with new faces is the reality of who will stick and who won’t. It makes me wish I had thicker skin at times.

What Are You Intentions? At this point in my life I always tell people that all I have to offer anyone is friendship for a plethora (I love that word) of reasons. The funny thing is in some cases it has a negative impression when it shows that I actually mean what I say. At times I am a little apprehensive because you can notice certain things and hope that you’re wrong (which you usually aren’t) and have to come to grips with the reality that everyone’s intentions for getting to know you are not sincere. I’m one of those people that operate like “just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t know.”

 

“I can’t tell who I should trust or just who I let trust me” -TLC

There’s Something About “Mary”. Sometimes I joke with people by saying I feel like the female version of “Good Luck Chuck” in a different kind of way. It’s almost like a curse when it comes to attempting befriending guys. I don’t want to go into specifics on that, so I will just leave that for another conversation.

“It’s like every chick I deal with, I can never ever keep it real with, they would rather feel that instead of catching feelings” -Dosage

Faithful Few. I always say I have about 2.5 friends (lol). Though the word gets used loosely in regular conversation, when it comes down to a consistent “track record” and daily life. I’m not impressed nor moved by numbers, because when I took the time and effort to really see what it is like to really be a friend, it is work and I don’t have that for 25 people, especially ones that aren’t putting in that same effort. I have learned not to take them for granted and I hope I never will. I’ve always kind of said to myself that you can never really love somebody until you can love them when they make you hate them. In other words, if the friendship hasn’t been tested or challenged in some sort of way, or if an argument can end things, it wasn’t a friendship from the start. Relationships are complex. In the words of Eminem “so what’s a little fight, tomorrow you’ll be boys again.”

“When your falling apart I pick up each piece, and build a wall around your dream.” -Sade

“Friends may come and friends may go, but you should know that, that I’ve got your back, it’s automatic” -Brandy

-Signed, Sincerely

“..I met him when I was a little girl he gave.. he gave me poetry and he was my first.. ..love of my life, you are my friend..”