Archive for February, 2010

It Kills Me

I was driving somewhere a few weeks ago and playing my Melanie Fiona cd. I usually skip the singles that are on the radio, but “It Kills Me” caught me that day. It made me think about the women who feel this way (in reference to the lyrics) and it made my heart heavy. Though I’m not in that predicament anymore, I can still empathize with those who are unfortunately choosing to be in a state of feeling they need to stay with someone that doesn’t treat them right. The line that caught me was:

“..cuz I can’t be alone, I need you to come on home.. I know you’re messing around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down?..”

Foolish. I think Ashanti said it best when she sang, “..see my days are cold without you, but I’m hurting while I’m with you, and though my heart can’t take no more, I just keep running back to you..” A part of me wants to ask why do we as women do this to ourselves? The other side of me knows the answer already and doesn’t want to bother to ask. However, I realize I can only really answer this for myself as to why I chose (and sometimes still choose) to be foolish.

“..never thought I’d be afraid to trust somebody that I love so much, but if I can’t get you out of the streets, then you don’t need to be with you..” -Monica

“..deep in my heart I know you couldn’t love me, but I just kept holding on..” -Keyshia Cole

I’ve never had any real positive male influences in my life, or females for that matter. I’ve never really witnessed a good example on how things ought to be, I just always was aware that a better way of doing things existed. I’ve seen men and women teach their daughters how to be weak for a man, even in the smallest things. I have seen things unspoken, but impression-wise taught. I’ve seen “love” make people step outside of their normal selves and do some bizarre and/or twisted things. Especially when you know all you do is hurt in your relationship and try to make it seems like a paradise to everyone else. It’s a sad scene to witness and I pray I never experience it firsthand.

“..he’s so caught up.. he don’t call her.. he shows no love..” – Keyshia Cole

In my case, I have never had a faithful boyfriend for example, but I never wanted to believe it. In my mind, I would say to myself that was the one thing I can’t rock with. You can get paralyzed, forget who I am, get on drugs, whatever and I can ride with you, but bringing another person into our relationship is something I don’t think I can ever survive. Why? I’m not certain. Probably because in most cases that is what I have seen the women around me hurt from the most. There has always been and will always be a “her” that doesn’t really care what y’all have gone through, for how long, or how many kids you have, but she is just getting hers for as long as your man allows it.

“..and if you ever get her back, it’ll never be the same again.. she’s at the corner of her eyes every time she sees your face.. ..when a woman’s fed up..” -R. Kelly

False Fear? Another big issue I have noticed is the fear of being alone. Not having that warm body at night or that consistent communication or sex. It’s almost as if you feel stuck because you have invested so much, especially your time to let it go over an unfaithful relationship. Infidelity then gets watered down from how much it really impacts because of this “fear” of being alone, when in reality you can be alone in a relationship. I call those relationshits (word to Dane Cook lol, but seriously).

“..it’s foolish of me to compete when you cheat with loose women..” -Beyonce

“..one man can make one woman hate all men..” -R. Kelly

I am doing my best to get out of this mentality of accepting someone not giving me their best just as I am giving mine, but when the records show otherwise, it is difficult to be hopeful. The last thing I want is to be bitter or pessimistic, but the struggle is so great when it is all I’ve experienced and all I see and have seen my entire life, but I will say that I am trying to persevere. The thing is, I know nobody wants their hearts, feelings, or time played with.

“..cuz I don’t want to be alone, I don’t need to be on my own.. but I love this man..”

“..oh love, oh love, stop making a fool of me..” -Denise Williams “Silly”

-Signed, Timidly Hopeful

“..I know that I should be looking for more.. what could it be in you I see?.. what could it be?.. oh oh oh love, oh love, stop making a fool of me.. ..silly of me to think that you could ever know the things I do are all done for you.. only for you.. ..foolish of me to tell them all that every night and day you call, when you could care less..”

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Family Business

I want to forewarn you that there will be A LOT of pictures in this post (lol). The saying goes something to the effect of “you can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family.” In most cases that saying is usually stated in a negative light, because let’s be honest, family can be a real pain in your everything! I come from a really big family, just based off of siblings alone, but even beyond that I have certain relatives that I grew up with that are close too. The funny thing is that though we are all much older now and pretty much all going in different directions, when we get together, for whatever reason, that bond is still there as if it were a childhood pact to always be familiar with each other.

me & Walt

me & my sisters

bro, mom, me

me & my brother

The Beginning of “Insiders”. One thing I love about my childhood is that we never knew we were broke! We didn’t understand cheap, we made the best of everything because that’s just what we did as kids. We were tight and to this day we still are, despite many fights, flat out rumbles and free-for-alls (I think that’s the term). We’ve learned to love each other so much that in all honesty, my family can tend to be the ones I “hate” most because they have that much of my heart. I’ve realized that it takes some amount of caring to truly “hate” someone or for them to at least be able to get to you. I read somewhere online once that “love isn’t the opposite of hate, apathy is,” and I would say I agree. Joy and Pain. We’ve been through it, under it, around it, whatever, but it was together in some way, shape or form. Even if it got to points where you didn’t want to be bothered with family at all you can always come back because at the end of the day that is all I have in this world. My family is the only thing (aside from God) that has stood the test of time with me, not boy friends, home girls, church family, childhood friends and all, just them. Though we may not all like our families, I encourage you to “love your family for where they are not where you think they should be.”




I may be repeating myself, but these people and the many others whose pictures are missing mean a lot to me. My hope is that the next generation grew up even half as close as we did!

-Signed, I Wouldn’t Trade You For The World

R.I.P. Haady.. we are coming up on the anniversary since you've been gone and it's still like yesterday. I love you lil cuz

I meant every word "..if we could break down those walls to set you free.. we would cuz we down here and we miss you.." -Lupe Fiasco

“..if you said u ain’t did it, then you ain’t didn’t and if you did, well that;s family business..”