Is Anything You’re Doing Brand New?

This post is so personal that I’m just gonna give y’all words. No pictures, just real heartfelt words. We are all teachers whether we know it or like it or not. We teach people about ourselves. Regardless of what we say, which also teaches if we keep to our word, people learn of primarily by our choice/course of action. The things I am about to mention are only from the world through my eyes. Things I have witnessed and/or experienced on some level. Something I am very passionate about, to the point that I don’t even understand it is relationships. Interaction, reaction, communication, miscommunication, ups, downs, smooth beginnings, rough endings, endurance, commitments, and so on. For some reason relationships of all kind fascinate me. It’s interesting that the type of relationship that attracts me most is the one I’m most hesitant in pursuing which is love. In my world there is a majority of men that don’t know how to be men and women that don’t know how to be women. They may not have told me this verbatim, but they show me this explicitly. What follows is just a snap shot of my life in its entirety as far as influence is concerned in this area. The sad thing is, these things are not just a thing of the past, but is still very prevalent, if not worse. The more unfortunate part is majority of the following is within my family.

What I learned from women: Complain about how you feel to everyone, but the one who is actually your problem. Look for things you know you don’t want to know about or see. Cover up for him if he hits you because you can’t let him go. There is nothing worse in the world than to be without a man, even if it is at the expense of my children’s safety, time, and/or feelings. In order to get a guy’s attention, sometimes you have to sell yourself a little cheap. If I trap him with this baby, he will have to stay or he’ll have to pay for it. It’s okay to be second, third or even the fourth woman in his life, just as long as I’m apart of his world. I will settle, even if it means I am miserable. Sex is all I have to bargain with, that’s what will make him stay. Even if I have to hurt myself, I need his attention. I’m not worth working nor waiting for. It isn’t considered prostituting myself because we are both getting what we want. I don’t care if this baby isn’t his, he’s paying for this abortion. I don’t care if my kids are with me, if I see that b*tch he’s f*ckin’, then it’s on. TI didn’t want to do this and I said no, but it wasn’t rape, and I don’t want him to go. He doesn’t see how much I cry and he won’t, because that means he wins. He makes me feel worthless, I can’t leave him now because I believe it. Well at least he isn’t as bad as “so-and-so’s” man.

What I learned from men: If she lets me get away with it once when I’m caught, then she always will. When trouble comes, I’m out. I don’t care how what I do affects you or my daughters, it’s about what I want. I don’t care if that’s her best friend, I want to try her too. If I hit her, I will take her to the hospital because I love her and will hang my head when the doctor asks why she’s here. I think I love you, but I don’t respect you. It is never okay to say I don’t know what I’m doing or that I’m scared. I never have to change if she accepts it, I don’t need to grow up. I will make a great effort in the beginning to reel her in, then it’s whatever I want. Any woman can be bought. There will always be at least one woman on the side. Why work for anything when others will give it up for free? I lie because the truth requires me to take responsiblity for my actions and choices. I have no staying power. Women are things. Any conversation I pursue with a female will be about her body and/or sex. I’ll come home when I feel like it, it doesn’t matter who is worried. If she doesn’t give me what I want in the time I feel she should, I’m gone. I really don’t need a reason to walk out.

“…where’s love? other than inside of my mind.. I’m trynna find peace in this lifetime.. ..tired of being treated like a cute little thing with no brain..” – R-Swift

Ball of Confusion. A question that I get very frequently and consistently is “why don’t you have a boyfriend?” and the above has a great amount of reason to do with that. I have blogged about this question specifically before so if you’d like, check out “Matters of the Heart: Can You Handle This –> http://wp.me/pw1qn-1i

I have no role models. I do know that I don’t want to be a repeat of any of these things. I won’t say that sometimes it isn’t tempting to be this way because it requires less effort, but it’s just not me. My hope is to teach my possible future children what a woman is and that they’re father would show them what a man is. That my husband will teach my little girl that she doesn’t have to settle for a “boy” that thinks her body is right and act as if she owes him something. My hope is he instill a worth and standards in her, that she only consider a young man that will love her appropriately. My hope is he would show my son how to value and cherish a woman’s worth, to protect his sister and to respect his mother always. That I play my role as well and end this destructive cycle that has polluted my world view.

I am always the first to say to a guy that’s interested in me that just because I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t know or notice anything. I give people a fair shot, but am very aware of the signs, even in the smallest areas that challenge character and show me truly what kind of person they are.

Skim the Book. We have all heard “don’t judge a book by its cover,” yet we all do. Some of us are honestly not interested in any sort of “reading” at all, but I feel as though it is at least fair to skim the pages with some people, because nobody does anything for no reason. I challenge you all when you first meet people to ask them about their family, parents and who had major impact on their life whether good or bad, because chances are those people had a lot to do with why the person does certain things or maybe doesn’t do certain things. Sometimes we get too quickly and easily offended that we don’t attempt to figure people out a little bit. We walk around as if we don’t have the ability to long-suffer or short-suffer people, but are selfishly seeking instant gratification then on to whatever else is in our path. I challenge you all to push yourselves beyond your comfort zone. This generation claims to “not be like everyone else” but do what everyone else does. So ask yourself, “is anything you’re doing brand new?”

-Signed, Hesitant

“..like I ain’t tell you from day one, I ain’t sh*t, when it comes to relationships, I don’t have the patience.. ..I’m still young and I aint ready.. ..this is ugly, ___ please don’t love me.. ..soon you’ll understand..” – Jay-Z

“..Hold on, I’m not really trying to go through this again,
I’m not jumpin up and down about lovin (excuse me if)
I don’t wanna dive back in to that pool of love, I’m done swimming I’m done,
See I don’t feel like getting to know you,
What you like to eat,
What you like to do,
See that’s too much information to deal with,
Play the love game with another cuz I quit..”

“..Can you forgive me, I know it might sound crazy,
But right now my hearts a little lazy,
Tired of opening up tired of caring,
I don’t feel like lovin you, don’t feel like lovin you,
Can you forgive me, I know it might sound crazy,
But who knew love could be so draining..”

Bridge:

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