You Never Loved Me

What do you do when you go to the hospital and get sicker than you were when you had first arrived? Do you stay? Do you hope that it is one of those things that gets worse before it gets better? Or do you find another place and pray for a better outcome? Here’s a third option, do you say to yourself “maybe none of the hospitals are what I need”? I don’t have an answer to these questions..

I have come to despise promises. Why? Because they usually don’t happen. The only promise I have left to believe in is Jesus, everything else is trivial (though I know there are those of you consider my one true Promise debatable). To that, I say, have your debate, but He’s all I got in this world.

You ever fall in “love” or “like”? The feeling is indescribable! You ever still be in love or like and wonder if you are the only one still “in it”? That feeling also is indescribable in a very different way. When all the “sparks” are gone, you are left with what you didn’t see, which was already there, but you weren’t looking at that during the time.

..it used to feel like heaven, it used to feel like May.. – Corinne Bailey Rae

Sometimes I wish there were things that I didn’t know, but I want the truth so bad that it comes with the territory. I am learning a lot about myself, the world, and my world. It is as interesting as it is painful. As intriguing as it is discouraging. It is like an ongoing oxymoron of things that you just can’t take you eyes off of.

The sad thing is.. (since the Fall).. it has always been this way… “There is no new thing under the sun”

You may have noticed I went in different areas, but they all come together here. I’ve tried the “hospital” time & time again. I’ve taken people at their word and learned to maintain high standards and low expectations. I am no longer ever shocked at what someone has done regardless of who it is. I don’t allow other people to tell me who I am because how could they know? I don’t allow other people to choose my destiny for me or accept their opinions of me as truth. Just because someone calls me something doesn’t make me that whether it be positive or negative. And as far love, I take that word with a grain of salt because I realize people are going to tell me they “love” me for the rest of my life. Time will tell though. And lastly, even though it hurts, I still want the truth, because a life of a facade isn’t worth the air I breathe. I’m not sure how my story plays out by detail, but I know that my fate is sealed and extraordinary is the title of “me”.

I encourage you all to seek truth, wisdom, work out your salvation with fear & trembling (seriously), be sincere & real with yourself, learn to take the high road, desire to know what it means to love unconditionally, and a boat load of other things I just didn’t type (lol). So where am I on this word called life? Good question! I think about this song lyric by Corinne Bailey Rae, she says:

..please don’t ask me where I’m goin’, cuz I don’t know.. anymore..

  

-Signed, a weary soldier

“What if I give up?
What if I never live up to all these rules,
I’m goin crazy, maybe it’s me I’m sick of,
It’s like I slip, I sin & then I taunt You,
Lord, I know I need You.. I’m not sure if I want You,
It’s not easy.. I like this deceit.. I like being weak,
I’m confused, God, I hate being me,
My God, My Lord, I’m sorry.. don’t hate me,
I love You.. it’s just lately I’m straying,
Don’t walk away please.. just stay,
You hearing this apology I’m making,
But the thing is, I’m not sure if I mean it when I say it,
Please just take it..
I’m sorry..

lyrics from the songThe Prayer (Soldiers)” by Lano Medina”

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