Matters of the Heart: Can You Handle This?

I wanted to blog about anything but this topic… love/relationships. It’s the very thing that finds its way in and out of my thoughts throughout the day that I simply don’t want to bother with.. Why? I’m glad you asked (for once), because I get that question more than I’d prefer. And by that, I mean the “where’s your boyfriend at?/why don’t you have a man?” question. For starters, I would like to acknowledge the fact that..

“I don’t need a man to complete me, but to compliment me (and by that I don’t mean terms of endearment)”

So let’s address this question: Why am I voluntarily single? Why have I temporarily quit on this thing called love? I will give my top 3 reasons:

  1. I’m only 22! I cannot lie. I used to want to be married young and get out of this “dating game” and just have my one to give my all to. This is still something I want, but then I think about the vision I have for my future and a relationship would complicate that right now. I’m not a part-time “lover” lol… but seriously, with the goal of marriage being the purpose of any romance, I believe marriage is the highest relationship you can have with any human being on this earth, which means, my little pleasures would have to take a back seat. I don’t mind that, but I realize I don’t want to give that up right now. I still need to get a better grip onto who I am and what I like/want… I want to be a whole person for the man I marry and I expect the same.
  2. I’m still in recovery. Just like anybody else, I’ve had some heartaches and major disappointments, so I’m not exactly trying to be shopping for my next ex-boyfriend. I’ve been through a lot in life in general at very early stages that have had greater long-term impact than I’d thought. I am evaluating some choices I’ve made in the past (and present) to hopefully make my future a little smoother. I realize I give… a lot and possibly on the dating level, maybe I have given too much. The funny thing is, even in all that past giving, that isn’t even the half of it… Mr. E man, you have no idea what you are in for lol! Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to anyone to hop from relationship to relationship, feelings and attachments don’t just suddenly drop for me so I don’t move on until I have really moved on. Fortunately, I can say I have moved on from all my past relationships and can honestly wish them well.
  3. I honestly don’t think I have encountered anyone that can handle me. I know the first thought would be to think that was a sexual reference… not necessarily. I realize I have a lot to offer and also much going for me. I would not dare waste that on someone who shouldn’t be apart of that. On the more “negative” side of that statement, I also realize that I am a handful, not in a crazy way, but I just am lol. I need somebody that doesn’t do what most have been good at doing, which is leaving. I know when it’s for real, I willingly walk through the fire.

So what am I doing in the meantime? Living it up (lol). Trying not to be anxious in looking for “him” and trying not to be possessive over the “hims” that don’t belong to me. I’m learning how to really be a friend, especially since I want to marry my best friend, so I figure if someone is intimidated by being in the “friend zone”, that is more than I need to know (red flag!). I’m adjusting to being comfortable in my own skin and embracing my flaws in the midst of trying to figure out this thing we call life. So I would just encourage you all out there that may be in the same boat to not make emotional decisions to satisfy fickle feelings and temporal loneliness that may go beyond a male/female companion, because there are many lonely people in relationships/marriages. Don’t be a zombie and try to act as if you aren’t a human being though, it’s natural to feel and want these things. Don’t settle for “right now” but expect forever. Know your worth. Keep your faith/values. Be encouraged!

-Signed, Crazy/Beautiful

“…she lives in a mindset that you could never move to…” -Drake

“One for sorrow, two for joy.. sometimes you win or sometimes you lose. I don’t wanna lose you, don’t even own you. I just wanna stay right here until never dawns yeah” -Corinne Bailey Rae

Don’t awaken love before its time (Song of Solomon)


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    • Melissa
    • August 14th, 2009

    I found myself saying yes, yes, yes over and over again to the things you said. I wished i’d had this epiphany at your age. It is important to be a whole person, loving the person you are from the inside out flaws and all. We can’t love others until we fully love ourselves and once we love ourselves then we are free to truly love others. I enjoyed the spoken word piece. Thanks Kiesha

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