Archive for August, 2009

The Square in the Circle

That’s kinda how I look at how I fit in my world… There are all these cliques (or circles) and here I am with my pointy edges (lol). There used to be a point in my life when I didn’t find that funny at all, but in the midst of growing up, I’ve grown to like the fact that I never felt like I fit “in” even though I was usually always accepted. I wasn’t one of those kids that got picked on or nothing like that, I actually almost always got along with everybody, I just didn’t see myself being like my surroundings. I used to think that was a bad thing.

I have always been very observant. I noticed during my school days the same kids with the “I don’t care what nobody thinks, I’m my own person attitude” didn’t have the disposition that agreed with their words. Though they screamed and boasted in their alleged uniqueness, they looked jjst like all of their friends. It’s funny because it seemed like I would always be the person that would talk to these same people on a one on one and they’d confess how they didn’t wanna be the way they presented themselves. It was a sad thing to hear.

I find it interesting in our culture how so many people desparately try to fit into a mold that those who are “in” are secretly trying to sneak out of. People live as if being called different or weird is a death sentence and they would rather die from other causes than to labled such a thing. That makes my heart ache at times. More so when I see it in little children. Sometimes I envy children when they are at that age/stage where they don’t know what “in” is and all they know how to do is be. I’m striving to get back to that. I don’t want to be one of those sad confessions that live a life as someone I am not and do not want to be. You should never have to explain to anyone what “type” of person you are, it should be evident. I am learning what it is to be comfortable in my skin and embrace my imperfections, and to truly know how to love myself. I hope you seek this path as well… because you’re beauty darling!

-Signed, L7… and you’re free to be you 🙂

Cause I got a couple dents in my fender/Got a couple rips in my jeans/Try to fit the pieces together/But perfection is my enemy/And on my own I’m so clumsy/But on Your shoulders I can see/I’m free to be me”

Smile Anyway

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Matters of the Heart: Can You Handle This?

I wanted to blog about anything but this topic… love/relationships. It’s the very thing that finds its way in and out of my thoughts throughout the day that I simply don’t want to bother with.. Why? I’m glad you asked (for once), because I get that question more than I’d prefer. And by that, I mean the “where’s your boyfriend at?/why don’t you have a man?” question. For starters, I would like to acknowledge the fact that..

“I don’t need a man to complete me, but to compliment me (and by that I don’t mean terms of endearment)”

So let’s address this question: Why am I voluntarily single? Why have I temporarily quit on this thing called love? I will give my top 3 reasons:

  1. I’m only 22! I cannot lie. I used to want to be married young and get out of this “dating game” and just have my one to give my all to. This is still something I want, but then I think about the vision I have for my future and a relationship would complicate that right now. I’m not a part-time “lover” lol… but seriously, with the goal of marriage being the purpose of any romance, I believe marriage is the highest relationship you can have with any human being on this earth, which means, my little pleasures would have to take a back seat. I don’t mind that, but I realize I don’t want to give that up right now. I still need to get a better grip onto who I am and what I like/want… I want to be a whole person for the man I marry and I expect the same.
  2. I’m still in recovery. Just like anybody else, I’ve had some heartaches and major disappointments, so I’m not exactly trying to be shopping for my next ex-boyfriend. I’ve been through a lot in life in general at very early stages that have had greater long-term impact than I’d thought. I am evaluating some choices I’ve made in the past (and present) to hopefully make my future a little smoother. I realize I give… a lot and possibly on the dating level, maybe I have given too much. The funny thing is, even in all that past giving, that isn’t even the half of it… Mr. E man, you have no idea what you are in for lol! Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to anyone to hop from relationship to relationship, feelings and attachments don’t just suddenly drop for me so I don’t move on until I have really moved on. Fortunately, I can say I have moved on from all my past relationships and can honestly wish them well.
  3. I honestly don’t think I have encountered anyone that can handle me. I know the first thought would be to think that was a sexual reference… not necessarily. I realize I have a lot to offer and also much going for me. I would not dare waste that on someone who shouldn’t be apart of that. On the more “negative” side of that statement, I also realize that I am a handful, not in a crazy way, but I just am lol. I need somebody that doesn’t do what most have been good at doing, which is leaving. I know when it’s for real, I willingly walk through the fire.

So what am I doing in the meantime? Living it up (lol). Trying not to be anxious in looking for “him” and trying not to be possessive over the “hims” that don’t belong to me. I’m learning how to really be a friend, especially since I want to marry my best friend, so I figure if someone is intimidated by being in the “friend zone”, that is more than I need to know (red flag!). I’m adjusting to being comfortable in my own skin and embracing my flaws in the midst of trying to figure out this thing we call life. So I would just encourage you all out there that may be in the same boat to not make emotional decisions to satisfy fickle feelings and temporal loneliness that may go beyond a male/female companion, because there are many lonely people in relationships/marriages. Don’t be a zombie and try to act as if you aren’t a human being though, it’s natural to feel and want these things. Don’t settle for “right now” but expect forever. Know your worth. Keep your faith/values. Be encouraged!

-Signed, Crazy/Beautiful

“…she lives in a mindset that you could never move to…” -Drake

“One for sorrow, two for joy.. sometimes you win or sometimes you lose. I don’t wanna lose you, don’t even own you. I just wanna stay right here until never dawns yeah” -Corinne Bailey Rae

Don’t awaken love before its time (Song of Solomon)