Pieces out of a Puzzle

Okay, so this post is amongst the more personal of all posts. I was driving to somewhere about a week ago and really began to think about where I am as far as stepping away from my thoughts and looking at myself for a moment. What did I see? I saw where I was/am. It’s kinda expected at this age and/or point in my life for me to have many questions-I guess. I think my problem was feeling pressured to have answers to all of these questions. Because I realized for certain areas in my life at the moment my answer is “I don’t know” and I am actually okay with that (now). It seems that pressure I felt was from those who would inquire and “I don’t know” didn’t satisfy their inquiry. What can ya do? Can’t please everyone…

I’ve made some pretty drastic decisions lately. No, I’m not sure if they were all right, but I  will find out… eventually. I am at this point where I am also no longer terrified of making mistakes. Life happens and I can’t live a life of timidity. I refuse. Besides, that is rather boring.

“I’m just so far gone… Please leave me alone…  feeling so distant from everyone I’ve known… to make everybody happy I think I would need a clone… They love it when you smile unaware that it’s a strain.. it’s a curse you gotta live with when you’re born to entertain… it’s a weight that’s on my chest.. whoever spottin’ me is playin’.. so I’m liftin’ all alone tryin’ not to get a sprain” -Drake

“You always gon’ need somebody but all you got is yourself” -Jadakiss

I have experienced a lot of [possibly much needed] disappointment lately in several areas… which in all honeslty, I think was a great experience for me. In a sense I feel like it safe guarded me from putting my trust and/or hope in people that ultimately can never save my soul so to speak. I am beginning to understand myself and not interested in too many opinions. I’ve kept my personal social circle small, but I’m networking like crazy. Quality over quanitity anyday especially when it comes to relationships… I really value my dear friends all maybe 5 of them lol. A lot of things are shifting.

“Because once you understand quality, quantity doesn’t move you.” -Me

I have sworn off romantic relationships lol. Not forever, but for now. Until when? I don’t know. And I kinda don’t care. I’ve been through enough already and just don’t have the energy or time to do that right now. I know who I am as far as my worth is concerned so I’m not needy. Besides, I want the “next” one to be the last one. I don’t like all the hopping around as far as commitment is concerned. So I will leave that there lol.

“She said there was no love in her heart, cause one day a rapist attacked her and broke that heart apart.. she said there was no way to fix it or to cover her scars.. then one day a guy came along and probably could help her start.. he was sincere, made her believe it was safe for her to trust again…before long she was cool with giving hugs to him..knew that it was right, cause something was wrong.. the alarms in her mind didn’t tell her he didn’t belong.. there was no intruder alert..” -Lupe Fiasco

“She knows there’s more to life, and she’s scared of ending up alone.. throw your ones up in the air, throw your ones up in the air for her.. You give me your all, and the next morning I’ll forget who, or why, or how, or when.. tonight it’s probably about to happen all over again… cuz I live in a mindset that you could never move to..” -Drake (emphasis altered by me)

I’ve been struggling with a lot. Much of it I don’t want to get into online, but there is surely a war going on internally. I know my future is great and I also know the road to getting there isn’t a yellow brick one. I am learning what it is to endure hardship like a good soldier. To work out my salvation. To wrestle. To fight. To win. To realize, understand, and acknowledge even when I’ve lost, but quitting and retreat are still never an option. I am not trying to be understood anymore. I am literally “living my life like it’s golden” lol and whoever decides to want to be within the vicinity of that… cool.. if not, keep it moving.. So here I am… this prodigal child looking for my place in The Way…

“She is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction.. she is trying.. does anybody hear her? Can anybody see? Or does anybody even know she’s going down today.. if judgment looms under every steeple, if lofty glances from lofty people can’t see past her scarlet letter and we’ve never even met her” -Casting Crowns

“So I come to You in pieces, so You can make me whole” -Red

-Signed… you’re not gonna bring me down today